[Sara Mara]

I’ve been seeing someone for about 6 months now. We met naturally through travel/work between countries. From the start the connection was very strong — chemistry, attraction, admiration, and very easy emotional comfort. When we’re together everything flows very naturally: conversation, humor, curiosity about each other, and very intense physical chemistry.

We don’t live in the same country, but we stayed very connected. We talk basically every day, and earlier we used to video call often (sometimes long calls). Recently the calls became a bit less frequent because he’s in a very intense period with exams and preparing for his medical specialization.

His personality is very disciplined, structured, and mission-focused. He’s someone who organizes his life around responsibility, career goals, and long-term planning. Emotionally he’s quite self-contained and careful with what he commits to. I’m much more expressive and energetic — business, travel, social life, passion for living.

Recently we had a very honest conversation. He admitted that when things start feeling too intense emotionally, he tends to “self-regulate” and slow things down because right now his focus is graduating and preparing for his next step (likely Germany). In his mind, a real relationship would require time and presence he feels he can’t fully give at this stage.

At the same time, when we’re together the connection is undeniable. There’s a lot of admiration, warmth, curiosity, and very strong attraction. But when we’re apart he tends to return to his focus mode and keep the connection contained rather than letting it grow.

After that conversation I accepted that timing may simply not be right now. We still talk in a light, friendly way, but without pushing the relationship forward.

My question for you: in your experience with men who are very disciplined and mission-driven like this, do they tend to open emotionally once the pressure period passes, or do they usually keep relationships secondary to their life structure long term?

[Bea Celine]

Hi Sara Mara,
For me, a guy like him who is very disciplined and mission-driven, is the one who usually not really give attention for a relationships especially when they are under pressure like exams. some of them become emotionally open once stressful period have passed and they feel more stable. however, it’s also possible that his structured mindset will always fit around his life goals rather than the other way around.. The best for this is to keep things light for now and see if he will make an effort for you once his situation is not complicated.

[Lamine]

I am someone who is also mission driven and very disciplined. I avoided being in any defined relationship during my college years, because there was nothing i desired more than being top of my class, and I wouldn’t risk it.

The truth is, for people like us, there is no “pressure period”, we are always under pressure. Even when a goal is accomplished, there is always a new one, that we can’t help but give our 100%.

The good thing is we are like this to everything we care about, and that includes romantic relationships. I knew if i got into a relationship in college it would end up consuming me, and affect my grades.

It seems the person you’re seeing has same fear.

I wouldn’t say that relationships are secondary to me, but my career comes first, even before me, lol.

What I can tell you though, a weakness people like us share, we are often consumed by what is right in front of us.

The reason you feel a disconnection when he is not with you is because he’s completely consumed by what he has going on, and actually, nothing exist to him outside that immediate environment.

I am sure hew feels the same way when he is with you, nothing else exists when he is with you.

So, if you guys aren’t gonna be around each other every time, this would most likely. ot work

[Adem Lee]

Hi, Sara
Leave him alone with his books and discipline. You are such an energetic girl. You don’t want someone who will make you a part of his life, not a free-time hobby.
Stop chasing a man who only misses you when he has nothing else to do. You are not a side dish, you’re the main course. Tell him to go to Germany and make love to a robot there and you want someone who can feel you, not regulate you.
Still waiting for AskApril’s take on this! I can’t wait to see what she says about this ‘mission-driven’ situation.

[Member]

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