[Anonymous]

I need some advice on my relationship.
Im a 31 year old woman in a relationship with a good guy for nearly 5 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs but generally have been happy together. He treats me well and I love him. We have different interests but have developed some common ones over the last few years.

He works in the bar business so has always worked unsociable hours but in the beginning I also worked in this industry so it didn’t really affect us. However, my career path has changed over the last few years and now im a primary school teacher. Hes been out of work for the last year and while that has been really hard on him, its kinda strengthened our relationship because hes been around all the time. Now, he’s got a job again which is great, but the downside is that the job is 100 miles away so I only see him for 2 nights midweek, which is less than ideal. The job is a good one and he’s really happy to be working again but I really miss him being around.

Also, we’ve talked about marriage and kids in the future but money is very important to him and he wants to put everything on hold for a few more years. This job has definite potential to turn into a bigger position soon, which could mean we will see each other even less than now. Im worried about the future, I think this guy is the one for me, but I want to build a future together and I don’t see how that works if he’s only around 2 days a week max. I’d like to have kids eventually but im afraid of doing it alone. Theres no chance of him working where we live now and I cant move to be with him right now as ive just secured a permanent job and even if I did move to be with him, we’d still be working opposite shifts and would still rarely see each other.

I don’t know what to do, were still getting on well, even though we have argued over this. Sometimes I feel that im putting my life on hold for his career and maybe at the end of it all, the distance will drive us apart anyway, then ive wasted years for nothing. In my job also I see kids who hardly ever see their Dad’s because theyre always away working and that’s not what I want my family to be like.
I don’t know what to do, do I call it off and look for someone who wants more of what I want in life, or do I support him in his career and just wait for him to give me some of what I want? It feels like we still really care about each other but that were on different roads in opposite directions…. And time is ticking away…

Were in ‘wait and see’ mode at the moment which is starting to drive me mad, I work all week, he appears for a short while then I go out with my friends at weekends, apologising for him not being there again. I am lucky that I have a supportive Mum & Dad and great friends but sometimes I feel single without being so and all I want is my man by my side. I cant imagine being with anyone else and when im out with my friends im not even looking for anyone else but im so confused.
Help!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very smart, and you have a clear head — except for one point, which you don’t want to wrap your head around — which is why you wrote me, and asked me to do it for you. 😉 You’re not going to like this, but I think you’ll agree with me.

When a man is ready to be married, he’s going to do it. He’ll look for dates that are Mrs. Right potential. He’ll have that marriage as a goal in his mind. He won’t waste his time with someone who isn’t marriage material for him. Your guy is not that guy. At least not right now, and possibly not for years to come.

If you’re serious about marriage and children, as you say you are, then being with a man who wants to get married is important. Being with a man who is ready to make the commitment is even more important. You’re not with that man.

While everything else may be great with the two of you, he’s being very clear to you that he wants to build a career and work hard so that when he is ready one day, emotionally, he’ll also be ready financially. You’re right, he’s a good man, but he’s not for you. You’re not compatible in this one extremely important regard. And after 5 years of this relationship, with you at age 31, not wanting to waste any more time with no deadline or ring on the horizon, you’d be wise to have a very amicable and understanding break up, so that you can move on with your life in the direction you want it to go.

You’re at an age, and you have your act together enough, that you should really be able to date super-successfully. But what that means is being discerning. Men who don’t have the same goals you do, are going to be a waste of your time — even if they’re really good guys. They’re just not good guys for you.

So, sadly, my advice is that you need to break up with this guy, not just because of the distance, but because of his life plan being so different than yours.

Good luck. I know this break up will hurt, after 5 years, and such good feelings about each other, but you have to keep your own goals alive and supported in order to really find true love and happiness in life. 🙂

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