[sam07301985]

My story is very complicated but I really need advice on what to do. I am 26 years old im about to start Grad School. I was raised in a very Christian home which I am proud of because of the values my parents set. The issue is Im Bi-Sexual and have been in a relationship with a 37 year old man for 2 1/2 years. Since growing up in a Christian home I obviously didnt date and my parents still dont know about me and the man Im with. He;s the only real relationship ive had hes the first person I fell in love with. Neithor one of us are feminine so its very easy for me to conceal whats truly going on. When I met him it was like love at first sight and try to imagine having those feelings for someone who is of the same sex whenever you despise the fact that you like the same sex. At the time I workerd as an Investigator for Child Protective services. We started dating pretty quickly but it was a long distance relationship he lived about 2 1/2 hours away. We saw each other every weekend. Everything was going great for a while he is the most sweet loving caring person Ive ever met. But when I would make him mad he would say anything to hurt me. Its honeslty just like split personalities. So at the beginning of the relationship I would fight back but I wouldnt try to hurt him I would try to make him see why I was mad. But it didnt matter when hes angry hes furious and very verbally abusive. But then after he calms down he becomes the person that I fell in love with. about 7 months ago he lost his job. He moved in with me. So since hes mved in Ive been the one that supports him. He tries to get work but the economy is bad so all hes doing is subbing at a middle school whenever they call him. Before he moved in we probbly broke up three or four times usually after i would recieve a txt message or email saying what a piece of sh** I am and so on and so on. One day I asked him why he gets so angry and he says that he will say anything to hurt me so I will let the issue drop of whatever is going wrong at the time. His mother is majorly bi-polar shes on her 5th marriage and my boy friend has been the brunt of her anger for many years so I know where this is stemming from. IN the past seven months i do the cooking, buy the groceries, pay the bills, and do most of the cleaning even when he is home doing nothing. WHen i ask for help he turns into his evil self so I gave up on asking. Im always the one that runs back to him even when i know hes in the wrong. I always try to calm him down when he gets mad because Im scared of what mean things hes going to say. So now Im pretty brocken with a low self confidence. Im afraid to stand up fpr my self because I dont want the nice sweet amazing boyfriend to turn into the evil one. Now things are going good for him hes about to become a teacher he is great with kids. He just changed all his information from the state he used to live in to the state i live in such as his license and things of that nature so that he could get grants to get certified as a teacher. Last night and this morning we had arguments where he became the mean hateful person that he can be. Ive told him that I cant do this anymore that he is beating me down emotionally. He asked me if we can just be roomates until he gets himself established because he has no where to go. But I cant just be roomates because I know that he will become the nice amazing person I know and then I will fall back into the cycle of abuse. And then I think I cant ruin his dreams by throwing him out because I know how much I care for him and love him and I want him to succeed. He truly has two differant personalities. But hes only mean when we get in an argument. He always turns everything around on me. And sometimes I just want to scream and tell him what other man 12 years younger than him would do everything Ive done and put up with the verball abuse. I dont every get to see my family anymore because I cant bring him to my familys house. I dont get to see my friends anymore because he has no friends here and I feel like I have to be with him because I dont want him to feel sad and alone. The stress from everything is causing physical health problems to me. And then I struggle with the fact that I want a family and kids and I want to be married to a woman that I can bring home to my family I want to give my parents grand children and that would never happen with him. But he is the only person in my life that ive ever fell in love with so Im at a loss as to what I should do. I know deep down its best if i just make him leave but then this over whelming feeling of despair comes over me knowing that Im throwing out the one person that truly made me happy and ruining his dreams of becoming a teacher. I just want to throw out the hateful part of him that causes me so much hurt and pain. Because he truly can be a most amazaing human being when hes not mad. What to do I do? DO i make him leave now, do i try the roomate thing or what? I also worry that he might try to hurt himself because he will have no support and he will fall into a depression. Just thinking about losing him kils me. I keep thinking of all the great times we had together and how much he loved me and i loved him. But theres to many issues I think and Im fed up with being torn down when I am not the one in the wrong. I think the bad outways the good now. Ill give you one instance of a fight. He snores really bad and alot of times I sleep on the couch even tho its my bed. So I slept on the couch last night because I knew he had to wake up early. I barely got anysleep and I also have to be up early but one hour after he does. So when he got up at 6 he comes out and turns on lights that wake me up. I askled him to close the door or turn out one of the lights so I can sleep and he blew up on me saying hes not turning any lights off and hes not going to be quiet. So even tho I was nice and let him sleep in my bed because he snored he couldnt have the common courtesy to be quiet when i was trying to sleep! Sorry for the long story I think I should go to therapy lol Thanks for any input!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you really believe in your Christian values, then I’m guessing honesty is somewhere on that spectrum. It’s time for you to start being honest, in conjunction with those family values you’ve grown up with. That means being honest with your family, honest with your boyfriend and honest with yourself.

You’re dating a man who isn’t two different people. He’s one person who is sometimes emotionally abusive and sometimes very kind. He has a history of family mental illness and while I’m not a physician, I’m sure that a psychiatrist would be concerned if he went for a visit and was honest about his symptoms and his family history. Clearly you only want to be with half of this person (and you’re only showing your parents half of you), and that will never work. So in order to be honest with yourself, and everyone else, you have to admit that this relationship is not going to work. You can’t have half a person. That’s just not how things work.

It’s time to stop enabling him, and tell him it’s over. Your instinct that the roommate situation post-break up won’t work, is correct. Follow that instinct. You can’t help this guy, so stop pretending or trying. He needs help that he has to find from within himself and/or with medical care. The longer you enable him, the longer it will be before he recognizes his problem and gets help.

Time to move on…. and to start practicing honesty in your life — especially with your family.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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