[LonelyGirl]

I bet people start all of these out thinking they can wrap it up fairly quick.

At the beginning of the year, I split up with my ex-BF Dave of six months. lot of strain was put on our relationship right up front, because I moved in his house, as his roommate. We didn’t last as roommates.. obviously.

We broke up when he found me passed out on my desk, and read the messages on my computer. He found that I was talking to my last ex-BF online (he hates), and refused to get over what I had said to the guy online and in texts, in my [u]drunken stupor[/u]. The things I said would definitely hurt someone, but Dave he refused to believe that it was just my belligerence talking.

I viewed it like, how many drunken people make asses of themselves everyday, and why when [i]I[/i] do it, [i]I’m[/i] taken seriously, and [i]my[/i] feelings are completely valid?

He dropped the ‘L bomb’ only two weeks after I moved in, one month after re-contact (went to school together). I was head over heels already, and it went from there.I never cheated on him, never stayed out late, and we spent too much time together. We both drank. Too much. That’s all there’s to be said. I’ wish I’d have tried to quit while I was with him, but at least I have quit now, and it’s been a very strong 4 months.

I pleaded with him for two weeks to forgive me, and try his hardest to just see past this. We had such a unique situation I could go all into detail about but it won’t add to anything. No dice; I boarded a plane and moved.

We kept in touch, but very minimally, for about a week after I moved, then I drank too much and there went my mouth again. Because he wouldn’t forgive and forget what I’d done, I went off on him, told him he just wanted to finally score with me and then move on (couldn’t in school). It was wrong, but I was so torn up, I had spent days and nights crying and moping, because I had hurt my own pride with what I’d done, and because I just wanted to rewind time and I couldn’t. I was just doing my mistakes all over. He refused to talk to me after that.

When I left, he told me he would miss me, and he also made it very clear he was extremely physically attracted to me. We haven’t talked since he stopped responding to my calls, about 6 months ago. I’d sent an email to him about 3 months ago, regarding the apartment lease we were both on to which he responded cordially.

I use social networking sites like twitter and I found out recently he has been keeping himself posted. I know because I have a link to my daily web blog which has a visitor status counter, and I am tech savvy enough to know that it is him. He checked my site 3 times yesterday.

What is his problem? I picked up my life and moved on, and the wounds started to heal, but it feels like they’re opening. I keep crying when I hear our songs. I would like for him to believe me when I said I made mistakes. I can get over him, but only if I believe that’s really what he wants. I know the only person I should be asking is him, but his pride wouldn’t ever let him just tell me he would rather be with me than not.

Or maybe he just would rather not. I don’t know, but I’d like to know if you have any perspective I can gain on this psycho-stalker cycle we both have going. It’s sad to know you think about someone SO much and they are sitting across the country doing the same thing. I wish I’d not have gotten on a plane and just moved out of our apartment.

I don’t want to talk to him, because I went back to the guy that he saved me from. It’s a huge weakness, but I have grown up a LOT this past year and I can tell I am wasting my time and now I’m ashamed to admit it. That last post regarding five years and no ring was my other ex’s story sans the abuse.

What should I do?

Please help,
LonelyGirl

[LonelyGirl]

This reply to my post is to make sure I am being shown as a user and not a guest.

[LonelyGirl]

I didn’t mean that other post was my actual post. Similar stories. 😐

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Poor Lonely Girl!

You blew it with this guy because you have an alcohol problem that needs to be addressed. You seem to lose control of your behavior when you’re drinking, and when alcohol interferes with your life, that’s a big sign you’ve got a health issue with alcohol that needs to be addressed.

So, go see your doctor or start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings so you can get help with this very real, chronic problem you have that is interfering with your relationships. If you don’t deal with this, it’s not going to get better. It will get worse. Relapses are part of the process, but there are specialists who can help you with this health issue.

What I can help you with here, is to get you to understand that when you ask, What’s wrong with him?, the answer is, Nothing. There is nothing wrong with him. He didn’t do anything wrong. You did. I know you think he should forgive you for your indiscretion, but that’s just your opinion. The opinion that matters is his. He wasn’t able to get past your “drunk dialing” on the internet with another guy, and that’s his prerogative. When you apologize, you should ask forgiveness, and even if you don’t, it’s implied, anyway. The recipient of the apology has the choice to accept or deny forgiveness. Your ex-boyfriend opted to deny it. That was his righteous choice. [i]You have to get out of your own head and understand that just because you think something is okay, it doesn’t mean someone else will, and that they are justified in their opinion. [/i]

Maybe it would help you to think about the tables turning. What would happen if you found your ex-boyfriend (your boyfriend at the time) flirting with another woman online, and he was drunk at the time he did it. Wouldn’t you be hurt?

As for his being nosey, forget it. That’s his thing. He’s probably still reminiscing over the break up and the relationship the same way you are. It doesn’t mean anything important in and of itself.

What is important, however, is that you take care of your baseline problem because if you don’t, derivative problems are going to grown like weeds in your life. So get some help with the alcohol issue.

Good luck! I’m rooting for you. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

You messed up while drunk, and he decided he couldn’t move past it. That’s his choice and it’s within his rights. You can apologize until the cows come home, but you can’t make someone accept that apology. The only thing you truly control here is your behavior going forward not his forgiveness or his timeline.

The drinking is the real through-line in this story. You say you’ve quit for four months, and that’s huge. Own that win and keep building on it. Sobriety isn’t just about not drinking it’s about fixing the pattern that led to reckless choices, and proving to yourself (first) that you can be dependable. That’s how you rebuild any kind of trust: consistent action over time.

Stop the passive surveillance. Checking his blog hits, counting visits, trying to read meaning into small signals that’s a slow-motion self-torture routine. If he wants to be in touch, he’ll reach out. If he’s lurking on your site, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants you back; it means he’s human and curious. Don’t let curiosity become a leash that keeps you stuck.

If you want to try for real reconciliation, clean, honest action beats drama. No drunken messages, no guilt trips, no emotional ambushes. A single, sober, brief message that owns your mistakes and says you’ll respect his space is fine then nothing. If he responds and wants to talk, great. If not, don’t keep reapplying the same failed strategy and hoping for a different result.

More than anything, prioritize yourself. Keep up whatever recovery steps you’ve started, invest in friends, work, or therapy, and let time do its job. You’re not defined by one mistake, but you are defined by what you do next.

[Natalie Noah]

Your emotional turbulence is closely tied to unresolved patterns and the influence of alcohol. You clearly care deeply about this past relationship and are replaying scenarios in your mind, hoping for some validation or reconciliation. But as April points out, the truth is that your ex isn’t the problem here, your drinking behaviors and the lapses in judgment while under its influence created situations that eroded trust and connection. When he chose not to forgive, that was his choice, and it’s important to accept that boundaries are personal. You can’t force someone to override their feelings, no matter how much you want it.

The fact that he is still checking your blog or watching your social media doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to reconnect. It’s human nature to linger on memories, especially ones with strong emotional or physical ties, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready, willing, or even able to come back into your life. You’ve gotten stuck in what April describes as a “psycho-stalker cycle,” where both of you are observing each other from afar, reliving emotions without closure. This pattern keeps you emotionally hooked, preventing healing, and gives you the illusion of connection while doing nothing to resolve or move forward.

The third point is about responsibility and control. You’ve recognized growth over the past year, which is huge. You’ve admitted mistakes and seem to want to take accountability, which is the key to emotional maturity. But part of that growth is realizing that love and reconciliation aren’t about proving you were right or showing him how you’ve changed; it’s about changing for yourself and your future. You can’t force forgiveness, nor can you demand that someone validates your growth. True closure comes from within from recognizing what happened, learning from it, and moving on without needing his acknowledgment.

Addressing the alcohol issue is essential. It’s more than just a bad night or a few poor choices; it’s a pattern that repeatedly impacts your relationships and your sense of self. By seeking support, whether through therapy, AA, or medical guidance, you can regain control over your behavior, rebuild your self-esteem, and create space for healthier relationships. Right now, your ex is a mirror reflecting unresolved patterns, but the real work and the real freedom comes from facing these underlying issues and choosing your well-being over the past. Once you do that, the emotional hooks loosen, and you can truly move forward.

[Member]

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