[casecasen]

I hope that one day I will be able to get through these emotions. I am having a hard time still. My heart is broken on top of broken and I am just realizing how much suppression I have. I can only take it one day at a time now, and I have to start all over.
I will never blame anyone for who I am. I am hurt by so many different things. I thought each time I fell in love, that it was going to be like that forever. I wanted security, something I never experience. My heart was craving someone to love me, make me feel valued and appreciated. I wanted to give everything I had in my heart to the person that was going to love me, and none of them had the decency or respect to treat me the way that I deserved to be treated. I put myself in the position to get my heart broken each time, but I didn’t know any better.
It all makes more sense to me now. I was never loved as a child, I was brought into a world with two human beings that didn’t love themselves and that weren’t ready to give a child everything they needed to succeed in the world as a strong, independent woman. I came from a father who didn’t even notice me. He was never around and the memories I have of him are when he hit my mother, when he came home from bar fights, when he didn’t have time to invest in the children he brought to this world. He gave us everything under the sun, but it was always because he wasn’t giving us what any child needs, love and affection and guidance, so he tried to replace it with objects. When he did replace it with objects, it still was under his rule and I will never understand why my father didn’t see and appreciate his three beautiful children.
My father sexually molested and had a special relationship with my little sister, who played basketball. She was supposed to be a boy, so he took it into his own hands to create a “father/son” relationship with her. They did everything together and he treated her different. I don’t remember ever being mad until I got older. I wasn’t mad because he wasn’t spending time with me, I was mad at the whole situation. I didn’t like him, I didn’t like my family because I knew things weren’t supposed to be the way they were. I was angry and unloved and I didn’t have any options. I remember calling my cousin in Los Angeles and begging her to let me come live with her. I wanted out so bad, which caused me to rebel, have sex at an early age, get into trouble for attention, get bad grades even though I was a straight A student. I never understood any of this behavior until recently and I am still trying to figure it out. I was always envious of my friends that were “daddys girls”. I wanted to be loved by a male so bad, that I did anything to get attention.
I do not think that my mother or my father are bad people. They are bad parents and they were never ready to have children. They never fully loved themselves and that reflected heavily on their parenting and the problems I have faced in my development.
I could psycho-analyze their parenting, but there is no use. They are who they are, and I am who I am regardless of what happened.
I am just filled with anger still though. I have not been exposed to relationships, how things are supposed to be normally, or how to respect myself. I have dated men that are similar to my father, as my psychologist pointed out, and this is done subconsciously. I never liked my dad, but somehow I picked people that are similar in nature. Any one in their right mind would agree that the things that the men I have dated have done to me is totally unacceptable and I deserve better. I have a hard time of grasping that and sticking to it. I always go back to whats comfortable and what I miss and only remember the good things. I have a tendency to block out all of the bad things that happened.
Like with Tim, he is a great person, but he treated me awful. He lied to me, was dating another girl when I met him, went to America and lied the whole time, and couldn’t stick to one girl. He might’ve been a bit lost himself but I wish he would’ve just stopped talking to me the first time I met him. I have mixed feelings about him, but I will leave it for now.
Matt is a whole different story. I was not very nice to him at first, which I feel bad for, but he was also lying to me from the beginning and doing drugs right behind my back. He had done a lot of bad things and I didn’t think anything of it. After a while, and after we both hurt each other deeply, we came to an agreement and started to have a great relationship. We were very passionate and in love and he went out of his way to make me happy, but I am now suspecting that it was only because he couldn’t emotionally be alone at the time. The sad thing is, through all of that, I fell in love with him, hard and passionately. We talked about having kids, starting a life together, getting married and did everything together. We lived together, and our lives were very connected and we were going to buy a house together. He encouraged me to go back to school and we talked about moving to boulder. Once drugs were reintroduced, everything went downhill. I have a hard time of understanding any of it because I feel like it happened so fast. I lost him, I wasn’t in control anymore and there was nothing I could do about it no matter how hard I tried. I have never been treated worse in my entire life. I was truly abandoned, I was truly let down, by the person that I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I will never be able to express the amount of pain I went through the past few months. I was being lied to, yelled at, pushed down, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and no matter which angle I approached the situation, I was never going to win. He was a different person. He pushed me into the darkest corners I ever thought were imaginable. I remember tip toeing around him to address why he was lying, doing drugs behind my back, talking to girls, etc and I was never given the normal response of a conversation. I was yelled at and then he would go in the other room and shut the door or punch a hole in the wall and scream. It was so heartbreaking and painful, I was in need of someone too. I was going through a hard time, and he witnessed it and looked me in the eyes and told me he would never abandon me and he would always be there for me. I put faith and trust in those words and I never imagined my life without him. I got foot surgery and the day after, he was gone. I was no longer his priority. I meant nothing to him. My health, my feelings, my existence meant nothing to him. After he started not coming home, not answering the phone, going to strip clubs, doing more drugs, and avoiding me in general, things got awful and he left. He was talking to his ex gf, treating me the most horrible way I can imagine and refusing to talk about anything. He moved to boulder and left me in our house alone, while i was going through the hardest time of my life. I cannot tell anyone why I still have any communication with him. I had a hurt foot, and no friends, and no family. I hope that I don’t ever get back into that awful situation and be made to feel like I am worthless.
I wanted us so bad and I fought with everything I had. I did crazy things at first, that I now regret, but I lost control with something and someone I had so much passion for. I was emotionally unstable and crying out to be rescued and to try and rescue him.
I will remain heartbroken from matt forever. I think it will take a while to heal and to ever trust a male again.
i feel alone and lonely right now. I am getting adjusted to boulder and going to school and working, but i will always have in the back of my head me and matts plans. As long as I’m in colorado, i don’t think i can ever fully move past this tragedy in my life.
I am going to continue to do well in school, keep making friends, finish my yoga, keep working and saving money, and start brewing a plan of my next move. I don’t think that its running from anything because its a part of my soul, to experience anything and everything as much as i can throughout my lifetime.
I will eventually want and husband and kids and a happy family, but i need to bury that dream for now and become lovable again. Whenever I meet my love, I want to be his love and to be able to dedicate my entire life to a life with someone else and for the humans that I will be ready to bring into the world.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Although you didn’t ask a specific question, my advice to you is to change your attitude about dating. It sounds like you have taken a very emotional approach to dating and men. I suggest you treat dating like a business. Make a plan and write down what you want in a man, and what you have to offer, and then don’t date anyone who isn’t compatible with those lists. If you realize someone is doing drugs, lying, cheating or any behavior that is unacceptable, don’t stay. Move on, so you can find someone who is healthy.

You’ve had a rough life, but you have a bright future because you’re an adult and you have choices that you can make everyday. You have the right and the responsibility to take care of yourself. 😀 And now that you’re not a kid anymore, you have resources, too. 😉 See if you can start looking at the world as a glass half full of good, and not half empty. 😉 And buy and read Think & Date Like A Man: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It will help keep you on track.

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[tysonlee]

If you stay in the relationship and she doesn’t get better, you’re going to build up feelings and experiences of resentment, fighting and disagreements that will eventually end the relationship. 😳

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please start a new thread with this new question, [b]georrgyutss[/b]. I’m very happy to answer it there. 🙂

[Member]

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