[autcash]

My ex after 1.5 years has been in contact with me after 2 weeks of initiating No Contact. Her father just died and I’ve decided that it’s the right thing for me to do and that’s to be here for her as a friend and support her as needed,…while she’s dealing with such a tragic loss. I believe she is seeing someone new (no longer FB friends), but have seen multiple pics with some “new” guy on the news feed from mutual friends. We’ve been “split” for almost 2 months now with limited contact until I decided it was best for NC and for me to move on!

I believe now is NOT the time for us to talk about MY issues with the breakup nor MY feelings. I’m sucking it up and doing the best I can, but am feeling used. I sent her a sweet message and want to be here for her….But it’s so damn painful. She replied with a thank you and you are one of my Best Friends….and asked me a simple favor to get her some information she needed to make a picture album for her dad.

What’s the best way to deal with this? I want to be here for her because I really care for her and LOVE her and feel for the loss she just endured. But her telling me I’m her best friend stung a little, her having a new “person”, is not allowing me to initiate No Contact…which I’m sure hurts my chances of bringing us back together. I’m in the middle of trying to move on have started to go on dates…Ugh. Feel like I’m being used, she get me as a BF, and I’m stuck here down on the dumps.

Any help?

Thanks!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct. This is not the time to start befriending her. On the other hand, being kind, courteous and polite because her father has passed away, is the right thing to do. If you’d have asked me before you sent the condolence note, I wouldn’t have suggested you write that you want to be there for her — because your really don’t. But it’s not a [i]terrible[/i] faux pas. It does, however, require some Monday morning quarterbacking boundary control. Give her the information she asked you to get, because you said you’d be there for her — but don’t include a note that can be misinterpreted. You’ve sent your condolences. Now, just write, “Here’s the info. Best, (And sign your name here)” Short, sweet and to the point. With no interest in further contact.

That’s it.

If you respond with an open heart, you’re not being honest with yourself or her because you’re not ready to respond with an open heart — your heart is still healing and that requires distance for you. There will be a day when you can be open with her, but this isn’t that day.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[autcash]

Thanks April. I thought it was best to try to be selfless. That being said, we work together and I’m actually covering some of her responsibility at work while she’s gone. So it’s like I’m really helping her out…and I feel so “used”.

What would be your advice for sending a card, gift or flowers to the funeral? Something very short? So again, I knew her mom well and her dad too. But after the NC, and her potentially dating others….not sure how “thoughtful” I should be….cause I can’t make it to the funeral (bc of work and travel)…but wanted them to know that I truly hate what they are dealing with.

I was the first person she texted after her father passed. SO confused..

Thanks again for your reply!! Good insight!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ah — you’re working with her! That means you’re going to see her all the time whether you want to or not. 😕 In that case, it’s especially important not to send her — or yourself — mixed messages.

What you want to do is balance moving on in your own life with being POLITE. Which is different from having an open heart and offering it up to her. Being selfless is great if you can do it, but I think the reason you’re writing me is that you’re really not ready to be selfless just yet. You’re trying to protect your heart so you can move on.

Break ups are never what one hopes they’ll be. There’s always two steps forward, one step back, and that’s what you’re experiencing when she calls you first when her father dies — but is dating someone new. Try not to be reactive, and instead, forge your own path.

Send a condolence note to her mother. It’s good manners and it will make you feel like you’ve done the right thing (which you will have), without getting too involved in her life or your old feelings for her. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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