[justin85]

My girlfriend and I have been together for apx 2 years. We moved in together about 3 months ago. We both work very stressful jobs. About 1 year ago my girlfriend went through a very traumatic experience that caused her to be unable to do her job. She kept the job but struggled with depression while looking for another. During this time the relationship became strained. We argued and fought about her job and the affect it had on our relationship. But to escape this we had like days off and we’d go on day trips, hiking, and other activities that made her de-stress and was a big help in letting me destress also. These times have been the best of our relationship.

She has just been offered a job that is a different schedule. This schedule will not allow us to have time off together except for a few hours two nights a week. When she asked what I felt about this job I told her that 1/2 of me wanted her to take it so she can be happy in her work life again and 1/2 of me was sad because I wouldn’t see her very much and this is what let me escape from a stressful job. A large fight ensued. She took the position. I informed her that I love her and want to see if the schedule will work for the both of us but I also told her if I’m unhappy I may end it. Ive spent the last year dealing with an emotionally damaged person who was selfish because she needed to be and now i will have a girlfriend who is happy with her career but I will never get to spend time with. Im extremely torn and feel as if I have one foot out the door. Part of me understands her actions and part of me feels that she completely abandoned our relationship and me for a JOB.

[ncsaturn]

Many times when we ask questions when we already know the answers, but just want some reassurance we are making the right choice. You have been very available and supportive. Now this person is making choices indicating she is pulling away for whatever reason(and they are hers, and probably not based on anything you have or haven’t done). The choice to have a job that severely decreases the amount of time you spend together when you believed it was great for the relationship is very telling. Calmly tell her your concerns again, framing them in the “I”…I am unhappy we won’t spend so much time together. I am worried there is a problem I am not aware of, I am going to have to think about what these changes mean to me, etc. Don’t make the conversation about the blame. Don’t get drawn into the argument, many times people use that as a smoke screen to avoid the real issue. “I want this to be a conversation” when things get heated. Also the “you talk, I talk, then we discuss the differences” used during mediation can be helpful. Sometimes we never get clarity from the other person and we just have to make the best choice for you. It may involve ending the relationship if it has become unhealthy and a long term drain for you emotionally.

[ncsaturn]

Part of her choice may have been based your ambivalence. Half of me is happy, half of me is sad. It indicated it did not matter one way or the other. She can’t read your mind. So given a 50/50 choice, she made the choice she wanted. You basically said it doesn’t matter to me then became upset when she made the choice based on what she wanted, not the vague response you gave. Say what you want! “I am glad you got a job offer you think is interesting, but I have really enjoyed our time together, it has helped our relationship grow. I am concerned with the time constraints of the new job we will lose the time that has seemed so important”. Another thought, could you change your job to meet the time elements of her new job and would you want to?

[justin85]

I have talked to her and made my thoughts and feelings known. She has put in her two weeks at her job and starts her new job soon. She constantly tells me that I have changed and I don’t throw out the compliments and “I love you” as much as I used to. I feel very indifferent to the situation and she knows it. I have told her that I am not happy about the decision and need time to deal with it, not away from her mind you, but just time from not talking about it. Im tired and exhausted from dealing with the “craziness”. I could change my job to have a somewhat same schedule which I will be forced to do unfortunately but this will be the third time I have changed my schedule to accommodate hers and then I don’t know if Ill be happy. Im so torn on what to do…

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure how old you both are but it sounds like you’ve been together for two years, and then about a year ago, she had some sort of mystery trauma that changed her personality for the worse and made it difficult for her to do her job. In spite of that, you moved in with her nine months after the trauma. That might have been a mistake. 😕 And if it was, what’s happening now is probably a correction of sorts. It sounds like her getting a new job is going to be a big boon to her mental health. That you’re not supportive of that is probably a deal breaker for her. Put yourself in her shoes. If she’s depressed and failing at her job, she can’t be successful in any relationship. But if this new job is going to make her whole again, wouldn’t you both want that for her?

If one of your deal breakers in a relationship is that you need a woman who can spend a certain amount of time with you, then you’ve learned something valuable about yourself in this process, and you can articulate it when you’re looking for Ms. Right.

I hope that helps!

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[Ethan Morales]

Your situation is really about two competing needs: her need for career fulfillment and mental stability, and your need for shared time and emotional connection. You’ve spent the past year supporting her through a traumatic period, which clearly took a toll on you. That alone explains a lot of the exhaustion and ambivalence you’re feeling. You’ve been the anchor during her storm, and now that her storm is calming, you’re realizing the relationship may not meet your emotional needs anymore. That’s valid.

Her decision to take the new job isn’t about abandoning you it’s about taking care of herself. From what you described, her depression and job struggles were heavily affecting both of you. Her new job represents her regaining stability and happiness, which is ultimately beneficial for any relationship. Your frustration seems less about the job itself and more about how it changes the dynamic you relied on for relief from your own stress.

Your repeated schedule adjustments to accommodate her needs point to a pattern of compromise that might not be sustainable. Relationships require compromise, but if it feels like you’re repeatedly sacrificing your own happiness to maintain the other person’s stability, resentment can build. You’re recognizing this now, which is an important self-awareness moment: knowing your limits helps prevent long-term unhappiness.

Your feelings of indifference and fatigue are also signals. When emotional investment starts to feel like a burden, it’s a red flag that your needs aren’t being met. You’re trying to process conflicting emotions: wanting her to thrive while also realizing the relationship may not support your own fulfillment. That ambivalence isn’t a failing on your part it’s a natural human response to a complex situation.

One key insight April points out is that this is a learning moment. If shared time is a dealbreaker for you, that’s an important value to recognize. You can’t force a relationship to fit your ideal if circumstances prevent it. Being honest with yourself about what you need and later articulating it when seeking a partner who matches those needs is not selfish; it’s responsible and mature.

Supporting her in her career and mental health is compassionate, but you also need to evaluate whether this relationship will continue to meet your emotional needs. If after trying to adapt you still feel dissatisfied, it’s okay to step back. A healthy relationship requires both partners’ needs to be reasonably met, and it’s not wrong to recognize when the balance isn’t achievable.

[Tara]

You resent her. You resent that you spent a year carrying the emotional weight of her trauma, and now that she’s finally climbing out of it, she didn’t choose you first — she chose the job that gives her life back. And instead of admitting you’re burned out, bitter, and exhausted, you’re dressing it up as “concern for the relationship.”

You didn’t tell her the truth. You told her a threat. “Take the job, but if I’m unhappy, I might leave.” That wasn’t honesty; that was you trying to guilt her into choosing your comfort over her recovery. And when she didn’t fold, you labeled it “abandonment.”
Here’s the reality: she took the job because she needed to feel stable and functional again. She didn’t betray you, she saved herself. And you’re angry because you don’t get the version of her that catered to your emotional needs anymore.

But let’s be even blunter: if your relationship collapses because you lose your weekend hikes, it wasn’t a relationship. It was a coping mechanism for both of you. And now that her coping has changed, you’re realizing yours depended entirely on her free time.

[Sally]

Loving someone while feeling like you’re losing them at the same time… that’s a heavy place to sit. And it’s hard when the thing that used to bring you both a little peace is suddenly gone.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned the hard way: when someone makes a big life choice, you can’t talk them out of it, and you shouldn’t talk yourself into pretending it doesn’t bother you. You just have to watch what the relationship feels like once the dust settles.

You’re not wrong for wanting time together. You’re not wrong for wanting her happy. You just need to see if both can exist in the same life. And if they can’t… you’ll feel that too.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re experiencing a deep conflict between love, support, and personal needs. You genuinely care about your girlfriend and her happiness, but the reality of her new schedule is creating a serious strain on your own emotional well-being. You’ve already sacrificed a lot to accommodate her in the past changing schedules, adjusting your life to meet her needs and now the prospect of even less shared time is leaving you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally distant. It’s completely natural to feel torn, especially when what you value most in the relationship quality time together is at risk.

At the same time, it’s important to recognize the context of her new job. She went through a traumatic experience that affected her ability to work and likely her overall emotional state. This new job could be a turning point for her well-being, stability, and happiness. April’s point is valid: if she is able to thrive personally and professionally, that will ultimately be beneficial for the relationship, even if the immediate impact feels challenging. Supporting her growth doesn’t mean disregarding your own needs, but it does mean acknowledging that her happiness matters just as much as your own.

The key challenge here is balance. You’ve made it clear to her how you feel and that you may need to reconsider the relationship if your emotional needs are not met. This honesty is critical. Relationships require both partners to feel fulfilled, and if the sacrifices you’re making begin to outweigh the benefits you gain from being together, that imbalance can breed resentment. It may help to explore creative solutions together scheduling specific “couple time” on her days off, planning regular weekend trips, or finding other ways to maintain intimacy and connection despite the limited hours. Communication about realistic expectations will be crucial.

Your feelings of indifference and exhaustion are signals that you need to reflect on what you can realistically give and receive in this relationship. Supporting her career ambitions while preserving your own emotional health may require compromises, but there’s a limit to how much adjustment one person can make before it becomes unhealthy. Being honest with yourself and eventually with her about your deal breakers, priorities, and capacity for flexibility will help you determine whether this relationship can continue in a way that serves both of you, or if the current path may indicate it’s time to reassess what’s best for your long-term happiness.

[Serena Vale]

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot for a long time, and you’re tired, that’s real. But I don’t think she chose the job over you. She chose something that makes her feel stable again after a really dark year.

You two grew the closest when you were both feeling safe and calm together. Right now, she’s trying to get back to that version of herself. And honestly, she probably needs this job for her own healing.

But your feelings matter too. Wanting time with your partner isn’t selfish, it’s human. The schedule change will be an adjustment, and you’ll only know if it works by trying it, not by assuming the worst.

Give it some time. See how it feels when the routine settles.
If it still doesn’t make you happy, then you’ll know the relationship can’t meet your needs anymore.

But don’t make this a “her or the job” thing. She’s not abandoning you, she’s trying to get her life back. Let space and time show you whether you two can still meet in the middle.

[Member]

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