[Savannah]

My boyfriend of a year has been divorced for 5 years and I’ve been divorced for 3 years, both from long term marriages. Whereas I only communicate with my exhusband regarding our 13 year old child, rarely think of him, and even more rarely talk about him, my boyfriend can’t stop talking about his exwife. She left him and initiated the divorce. They have two grown daughters, one of whom is even married with two kids. His daughters have told him they want nothing to do with any girlfriend he may have and refuse to spend the holidays away from their mother with the result that he has to spend the holidays with his exwife in order to be with them. What happened to rotating between divorced parents? Anyway, I can get over all of that. I recognize they will always have a tie between them. They will see each other at family events, such as a birthday party, and should be cordial. They may even need to confer with each other should issues arise with regard to one of their children or grandchildren. I can live with all of that. My problem is not with the exwife or the daughters – it is with his talking about the exwife so much. At first it seemed occassional and while it bothered me, I could grin, bear it, and brush it aside. However, he brings her up in very unnecessary contexts. Discuss politics? I get to know how she votes. I also get to know about her reading and car buying habits. It’s just too much. He wouldn’t talk about her if she were not on his mind. Friends advise me to gently let him know it hurts my feelings, but I don’t know how and don’t know whether it would serve a purpose. At least I know what he’s thinking even if it does hurt my feelings. If he dials it down for me, he may still be thinking about her. He even said he finds out more about what’s going on with the grown children from the exwife than from his daughters themselves. That really bothered me. What should I do? Please help – this hurts! Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question. Dating a divorced parent — even one with adult children — is not always easy, and it is always more complicated than dating someone who has not been divorced. There is always more baggage, and if it’s not what I call “matching luggage” there can big problems. It sounds like your boyfriend still thinks about his ex-wife and has a happy relationship with her. His adult children, however, are not very mature, and he is seeing them by going to visit with his ex-wife, where they go for the holidays. Regardless, the biggest problem for you is that you want your boyfriend to have the same relationship with his ex that you have with yours, and that’s not happening.

If you do nothing about this situation, nothing will change. And in fact, by not discussing this with your boyfriend, he’s under the impression that you’re okay with all of this. 😕 Telling him that you don’t want to hear about his ex-wife as often as you do won’t stop him from thinking about her. You can’t control that. So my advice is to acknowledge that and decide if you want to be with someone who does think about his ex-wife. Then, balance that decision with how he treats you and behaves with you. Except for his thinking and talking about his ex-wife, how is your relationship with him, otherwise? If the answer is “good” then you have to focus on letting him know you’re sick of hearing about his ex — but doing so without any strident tones, and doing so with a sense of humor to soften your feelings. You have to pick your battles in life, so make sure that if everything else is good, this is one you really do or do not want to pick.

As for visiting the ex-wife, it’s wrong for him to do so without you — IF you are married. If you are not married; don’t own a home together; and are just dating, then he’s not wrong. But if you do get married, or if he becomes serious about you, then he should bring you to visit his adult children and ex-wife because you are important to him. If he can’t do that, then he hasn’t moved on and isn’t ready to re-marry. And if the adult children won’t see him without you, then he shouldn’t go — but should continue to extend invitations to them to see him with you in your home together. Eventually, they will come around.

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[Savannah]

As I mentioned before, my boyfriend’s grown daughters have told him that they want nothing to do with anyone he ever dates. Also, they will only see him at Christmas while they are visiting with their mother at the mother’s house. Now my boyfriend has given me additional information – that the ex-wife forbids him to bring any girlfriend of his over to her house at any time – such as Christmas when he sees his grown daughters. I was thinking it was all just the daughters. It never occurred to me that the ex-wife has the attitude issue too!

What do you think of this? I can’t understand their attitudes since the ex-wife left him. Do you think it is because he was unfaithful during their marriage? He hasn’t told me that he was – he said it was because he worked too much.

More importantly, what should I do or not do? We are not living together, but he has mentioned moving in together several times. How can I invest more of myself if he is not going to make me a part of his entire life? I haven’t made much of an issue of it heretofore, but we’ve been through two holiday seasons together now. Maybe he thinks we could we could just spend those few hours apart at Christmas and Thanksgiving indefinitely. In the long run, though, I don’t think that would be treating me very well, do you? Thanks

[Savannah]

I may have forgotten to mention that my boyfriend says he thinks my attending family functions with his ex-wife present would be “awkward” irrespective of where they are held, at least until she finds and brings a significant other of her own.

What do you think of his view of my involvement with his family as awkward? Should this perspective of his be of concern to me (it is) and, if so, how should I react? I avoided reacting at the time he made the comment. If I should react, what should I do? Thanks again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If his first marriage ended because he was cheating on his then wife, it’s more understandable that any time he brings a girlfriend around his ex-wife and adult children, they are reminded of the betrayal. Even if you weren’t the other woman to his ex-wife, you will represent her. If his ex-wife and adult children have all moved on from the hurt, then this won’t be a problem, but the reality is that some people need years to move on; some people need months to move on; and some people never move on and hold onto the failure of the marriage forever. 😳 What I can tell you is that his ex-wife’s process isn’t something you can control. And frankly, I think that the adult daughters are extremely influenced by their mother’s attitude. If their mother gets over her hurt and decides to welcome you into her home, I’m very sure that the adult daughters will tow the line and even begin to forge a civil, and possibly warm and friendly relationship with you. Kids — even adult kids — look to their parents for guidance in situations like these.

What you didn’t mention is if these ultimatums by his ex-wife and adult children will be held up if he marries you. You said they don’t want his girlfriends around, but what about his new wife? If the two of you do marry, then it will surely be inappropriate for him to have family holidays with his children without you. However….. there are lots of couples who don’t bring girlfriends to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc. because a girlfriend doesn’t carry the same importance as a wife to most people. Whether or not you believe it or agree with it is less important than understanding that it’s within the range of normal for blended families.

As for any awkward factor — yes, there will be awkwardness — but awkwardness just means you’re forging new ground, and awkwardness is an opportunity to try out new situations, new behavior, and is clearly not something to avoid. Blended families are filled with awkwardness — and the way the feelings are resolved is what shapes the families over and over. So feeling awkward is a bad reason to avoid family.

But you mentioned something very important at the end of your first post — when you said that maybe he thinks you should be spending a few hours apart on the holidays, as part of the process. If it’s only a few hours, and not the entire day or an overnight, or more, and it is part of a process, then I think you’re all on the right track. Not everything is going to go your way or his right away, and blending families does require processes — making mistakes, finding out what works, trying things, etc.

Keep the communication between you and your boyfriend open and humming so you can find out more about what’s really going on with him, and he can find out what’s really going on with you in an effort to go through this process with a great outcome for all of you. 🙂

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