[SweetGirl28]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. We have met each other’s family and friends. Since he is a citizen of a different country, we have been going back and forth for a while. This has worked fine for us because we both seem to connect on a deeper level. Our relationship has always seemed perfect up to about a month ago.

My boyfriend started a new job which has been a cause of stress. At the same time, the marriage talk came up, and all of a sudden he is not excited about the relationship anymore. He has started to think everything over, and is mainly pointing at negative aspects of our relationship, though most of the things he has pointed out to me seem farfetched or untrue. For us to be together, one of us will have to move to a different country. I have been willing to make that sacrifice for him, but now he says he isn’t sure if we would get along forever, if we still have any common grounds or interests, if we still have something to talk about, and he sees all kinds of doom scenarios entering the picture.

My world collapsed after his ‘confession’ because I didn’t see it coming. I am not sure what to do here. Do I give him his space, and not contact him until he comes back – if he ever does? Or do I respond to his messages as if nothing has ever happened? My fear is that his ‘concerns’ about the relationship seem to come true if I suddenly become distant too.

Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like your boyfriend’s new job is causing a lot of stress for him. I think that this is where all of the problems you’re seeing are coming from. My advice is to back off of any talk about marriage that might pressure him further. Because he’s under stress from work, try to be supportive and light when you’re with him. Don’t be distant, and do be warm, but don’t pressure him in any way.

And if you do write again, fill me in a little on how old you both are, how often you actually see each other since it’s been three years of back and forth between two countries. 😉

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[SweetGirl28]

Thank you, April!

We are 28 and 29. We see each other every 2-3 months in person but we talk on a daily basis.

[AskApril Masini]

Thanks for the information. Let me know if you have any more questions.

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[SweetGirl28]

Update: he broke up with my over email. He said that he enjoyed our time together but that he doesn’t see us work out in the long run. He says things might turn around in the future but for now he thinks it’s for the best that we break up and stay friends. He also said that I must understand that he wants to neglect his personal life so that he can make a good career.

I haven’t talked to him in days. I don’t want him to string me along but at the same time I don’t know what to make of this. We have had such a stable, trusting relationship. We never fought over anything. He still has to give me some my stuff back.

April, what advice do you have for me? Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry about the break up. 🙁

Long distance relationships are very difficult, and it sounds like the different points of view that the two of you had and still have on the relationship, coupled with the distance and his career pressures — and possibly the “marriage talk”, led to the break up. In hindsight, when you wrote “the marriage talk came up” — that is probably another pressure point he didn’t want at that time, and it may have escalated the break up. Guys hate “the talk” of any kind — usually women instigate it to move a stalled relationship forward. It rarely works.

I know you want to get the relationship back, but he isn’t stringing you along. He’s broken up with you. The challenge here is for you to try and understand what led him to break up with you — when you thought that the relationship was stable and meaningful. He seems to have been in a very different place than you. This disconnect in the relationship sounds like a basic problem. You wrote that in the break up he seemed to focus on the negative aspects, which you found to be “farfetched and untrue.” Whether you’re right or wrong — he felt this way and you didn’t. Your challenge is to try and empathize and understand why he felt this way, and how he came to feel this way. Occasionally, two people in the same relationship have wildly different ideas of how things are going. It sounds like this may have been going on, although you had a clue when you wrote me that things weren’t on a good track.

For now, don’t try to get back together with him. Instead, take care of yourself. Breaking up is painful, and it’s important for you to be kind to yourself and move forward — exercise, eating well, surrounding yourself with nurturing and supportive friends and family, are all positive steps you can take. Don’t worry right now about your things that he has. Consider your feelings and how you’re going to get over the break up so you can learn from this, and move forward to find love and a healthy, happy relationship.

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[SweetGirl28]

Thank you, April!

I may have forgotten to add that he was the one that brought up the marriage talk. It was his idea to file for the necessary paperwork, and we completed the file together. He kept pushing for us to get married. He suddenly changed his mind right after filing those papers. I feel like he is making excuses to cut me out of his life since I might be an extra stress factor in his life especially with the distance between us. However, that distance problem would have been resolved as soon as the paperwork would have been processed.

[AskApril Masini]

It’s good information to know that he’s the one who brought up the marriage talk — and you’re right, he may have just felt overwhelmed with the career stress and the marriage paperwork and stress. I think that if he really was simply stressed, when the stress abates, he’s going to realize he misses you and come back to you. If he doesn’t, then it wasn’t the stress alone. It was the relationship, too.

I know this is painful, but I think you have to give him some time and space and hope that his stress passes enough that he realizes it wasn’t you — it was him. And if he doesn’t, you’re no worse off than you are right now.

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[Ethan Morales]

Your relationship was strong and meaningful for three years, but his new job and the marriage paperwork added stress that he wasn’t prepared to handle. Even though he brought up marriage and pushed for it initially, stress can make people reevaluate their lives in ways that seem sudden and confusing to their partners. The timing of the breakup right after filing paperwork and amid career pressures suggests it may have been more about his own capacity to cope than a reflection of your worth or your relationship.

His focus on negatives, even if you see them as farfetched, is his perception and his reality in that moment. Two people in a relationship can experience the same situation very differently. While you felt things were stable, he may have been struggling internally and projecting fears about the long-term viability of the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong; it just means he wasn’t in a place to move forward.

Trying to “fix” things or push for contact isn’t likely to help. Giving him space and focusing on yourself is the healthiest course. This allows him to process his feelings without pressure and gives you room to heal and reflect. Maintaining your well-being emotionally, physically, and socially will help you navigate this breakup and will also make you stronger if the relationship has another chance in the future.

There’s a possibility that, once his stress eases, he may realize he misses you and the relationship. But that’s not guaranteed, and it shouldn’t be your emotional anchor. Use this time to care for yourself, process the breakup, and reflect on what you want from a healthy partnership. The clarity you gain will help you move forward, whether that’s eventually reconnecting with him under healthier circumstances or opening yourself to someone whose timing and commitment align with yours.

[Tara]

He’s too cowardly to say, “I don’t want to move for you, and I’m not sure I want marriage,” so he’s giving you a buffet of anxieties to keep you confused while he distances himself.
This is a man realizing that marriage means action, not fantasy and he’s retreating because he doesn’t want to be the one who uproots his life. Notice something? You were ready to make the move. You were ready to sacrifice. You were ready to anchor the future.

He wasn’t. And instead of owning that, he’s hiding behind vague “what ifs,” imaginary incompatibilities, and dramatic worst-case scenarios. That’s not deep thought that’s avoidance dressed up as introspection.

And you? You’re terrified that if you give him space, he’ll leave as if clinging harder to a man who’s already halfway out the door will magically fix this. It won’t. Responding “as if nothing happened” is exactly how you teach him that he can destabilize your life and you’ll still play along.

[Natalie Noah]

This breakup seems less about your worth or the quality of the relationship and more about timing, stress, and life circumstances. Your boyfriend was juggling a new job, long-distance challenges, and the legal and emotional pressures of marriage paperwork all at once. That’s a lot for anyone to handle, and sometimes when people feel overwhelmed, they pull back not necessarily because they stopped caring, but because their capacity to manage both life stress and a committed relationship feels impossible at that moment. It doesn’t invalidate the love or connection you shared, but it does explain why he suddenly shifted gears.

It’s natural to feel blindsided, especially because he had previously initiated the marriage conversation and even completed paperwork with you. That contrast pushing for commitment one moment and stepping away the next can feel like a betrayal, but in reality, it’s often a reflection of internal conflict rather than manipulation. He might have started to realize the practical and emotional challenges of merging your lives under the pressures of a new job and distance, and that realization frightened him. Stress can make people fixate on potential negatives, even when the positives are strong, which seems to be what happened here.

April’s advice about taking care of yourself and focusing on your own emotional recovery is crucial. Right now, you can’t control his decisions, and trying to do so may drain you further. Giving yourself time to process the breakup, staying connected to supportive friends and family, and engaging in activities that nurture you will help you regain emotional clarity. This period of self-care isn’t about giving up. it’s about strengthening yourself so that whether he returns or not, you’re grounded and resilient.

There’s a chance that once his stress eases, he may realize how much he values the relationship and your partnership. But there’s no guarantee, and it’s important not to put your life on pause waiting for him. The healthiest approach is to accept the uncertainty for now, while keeping the door open to possibilities in a balanced way. Whether he comes back or you move forward, the lessons you’ve learned about communication, patience, and understanding under stress will serve you in every relationship you have. You’ve built a strong foundation of love, and even if the timing isn’t right now, that foundation isn’t lost, it’s just on pause.

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