[malia2003]

Firstly thanks to everyone who has given me advice on this forum, I really appreciate your help.

I am sure everyone reading this will remember me. I wrote on here back in October, unhappy as although I am an attractive guy, I have never been able to find a proper girlfriend in 8 years. Well finally I might have found what I am looking for but it is ever so complicted and I need advice(Its a long story):

(I am from the united Kingdom)
I met this guy in a lecture at the start of this year and we got on well and ended up out watchin soccer together, and a lunch here and there together etc…He seemed really cool. He had lived in USA for 5 years coaching soccer and was just studying to get a degree with his girlfriend, so we had something in common. I wouldnt say he was a great friend of mine, but we have had beers together talking about USA as I had lived in US for 1 year previously etc… In the lecture I met him in it required groups, so we got together in a group, and that particular module lasts until June 2009(remember that date as I will come back to it).

Anyway it turns out I start to have lectures with his girlfriend. She is American and Obviously we have a lot to talk about and we started spending a lot of time together as she is a really good student. She is a very hard working as I am, so we both push each other to work to the best of our abilities, which is great. She is hot, the first time I saw her(before meeting the boyfriend) I said to myself, who the hell is she!

Anyway as time passed, we have just naturally spent loads and loads of time together. She comes to watch me play footy and we work together, nothing physical, just friendship. Meanwhile I havent really been seeing the guy, I have other friends around campus and its (as you can imagine getting awkwad). I haven’t been nasty towards him, its just he hangs out in different areas and never really goes out. I also found out how he treats her. il tell you a few instances that I have witnessed(god knows what goes on behind closed doors):

1) Me and HER are working on a project at her place and he tells her: “clean the fuckin place up you whore!”
2) Tells her “you are not in …(nice part of USA) anymore darling, so take your fuckin sunglasses off!”
3) In the library and he says to her “Are you gonna kiss me then???, Kiss me im your fucking boyfriend, she replied no!!” and blushed, He said “why are you blushing”, meanwhile I was standing there, it was so awkwad.!!!
4) Me and the BF had lunch together and he told me ” She doesnt know shes born, when we have kids together they are going to grow up in the north of England and not have the easy life in (nice part of US), show them how tough north of england is”.
5) She tells me she is going to the gym when 3 of us (including the BF) are leaving the library and he tells her “yea get to the gym you lazy bitch”
6) He told her if you go out with your mates and you are later than 2am you must not come in at all (because he had a 9.15 the next day) as I dont want to be woken!!!

Theres more but those are the 6 comments that I remember the most.

So hes treating her like shit and lately the situation has gotten worse. She and her mates invited me out for a drink, she had loads, the boyfriend was away. She text me saying she was lonely and scared as she was on her own at 2am, and asked whether I could come over and watch a movie with her to keep her company. I told her I was tired and made up an excuse why I coudn’t come over (obviously, I was extremely tempted). One reason I am in the BFs group until June 09, and I didn’t want my degree to be affected, and I thought it was just far too complicated. (It is clear that she adores me) Also I felt it was unfair, even though he treats her like a door mat. Things carried on being exactly the same, its as if I am her Boyfriend, but without any physical contact.

Last night same thing happens, her boyfriend gone away with her for the weekend but came back to uni to see me! She had free house and went out with herr mates. She was beggin me to go out with her, and even saying if you dont come out, I will come to see you after at 2am! .I was kinda ill and didnt go out…she was still texting me frantically the whole night. I didn’t go out, partly because I was ill, but kinda a bit blown away by it all and realise she is in a relationship I am single and therefore it would bw wrong fo anything to happen at this stage.

Heres the conclusion.

The boyfriend is no oil painting, hes ridiculously ugly and comes from a bad part of UK. I come in and haven’t tried to take advantage of her, (but as you are fully aware I could have twice by now which I think she likes as it shows she can trust me). Many good looking lads have tried it wth her but shes not interested, she calls them sleazy and you can tell she only likes genuine nice guys. She sees a guy from a nice part of England, whos sporty and better looking than what she currently has, who get on much better. She said yesterday, she “loves spending time with me”.

She is perfect, she works hard at uni, she cares so much for me but its so fuckin complicated!! As you are aware I don’t find girls like this easily, the last one was when I was 16, and she was nothing compared to this girl! This girl has the all round package, shes one in a million as far as girls come and go in my life but its a nightmare situation. She has even signed the contract for the rent with the boyfriend for next year, september 2009-> June 2010. This is why its so complicated.

However we met up the other night, and I told her that I liked her and she said she really adores me and wants to be with me…. but I said:
– I don’t want to be a reason for you two to break up, I should not come into the equation, I would hate to feel like I caused a break up
– I am still in his group until june so I wouldnt want to do anything until that is finished
– She has been in a long relationship and im sure wanted a break if they were to split. She agreed
– There is no pressure as I am more than happy havin a great friend if she didnt want to split with her boyfriend, so please dont feel like you want to dump your BF just because I say I am interested.

After this conversation she told me, she is going to split with her BF and that shes realised how much better she could do. But I really dont want to be the reason for the split, or anything awkwad to happen. My mate did speak to her before I let her know I liked her and she said she was really unhappy, so I guess I cant be to blame

Its getting to a really awkwad point mate. I wouldn’t like to be stabbed in the back myself, but man this is what I have been waiting for, for 8 years for. She is 1) Hot, 2) Smart, 3) Caring person, 4) Funny 5) 6) Even enhances my uni grades, which is the opposite affect most girls have on a guy! and above all 7) likes me for who I am. The fact shes from USA a country I love is a bonus!

By the way I haven’t kissed her or anything is all totally non-physical.

The way I see it is there are many options and I would like your advice if at all possible.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

thanks

[MAMJ]

Hi Malia,
As a woman, I wouldn’t put up with the boyfriend’s disrespect and dirty mouth. A real man knows how to treat a lady…he should always be respectful, courteous and a gentleman. In your case…and I am no expert..but I would be afraid of being the person on her rebound. It seems you are good to be careful and not cross that line by keeping your relationship on a “friendship” basis and not physical. I would caution you not to get more involved with her during the breakup time only because it could ruin a great friendship. If you can wait until June 2010 and maintain a friendship it might just lead into the romantic relationship you are looking for. And, if she takes up with another fella right away, don’t fret…he might just be the rebound guy…then she will be ready when you make your move. Good luck!!

[Ask April Masini]

It’s not really that complicated.

Here’s why. You like a woman who is unavailable. That’s where the story could end.

The complication is that you don’t respect the relationship she’s in. While you list all of this woman’s attributes, you’re forgetting that she’s allowed herself to be emotionally abused, and has allowed herself to be a victim in a relationship. In addition to which, if you hadn’t come along to rescue her, she might still be in this relationship. In fact, she is in it! So….take a step back and look at the perfect woman with a different set of lenses on.

You’re not going to like my advice, but here it is, with your best interest at heart: You need to step away from the car wreck that is this woman’s relationship. You need to focus your eight year search for Ms. Right elsewhere. Preferably on available women. You need to look for women who aren’t victims, but who are healthy and ready to be with you. You don’t sound like you have any “baggage” like ex-spouses or children. Your employment or education don’t seem to be a problem. And you’re attractive, according to you — which I believe!

Take a look at my book, Date Out Of Your League. It’s a book I wrote for men who can’t find the woman they want — mostly because they think that the women they see and want seem to be out of their league. I can help you, with this book, find someone who’s great for you. If you click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, scroll down, and buy Date Out Of Your League, you’ll be on your way. Read it and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, be prepared for this woman’s boyfriend to find out about you and the relationship and flirtation you have with his girlfriend. I doubt that she’ll keep it quiet, and you’re going to have to face that music. It was unfair of you to try and get her to leave the relationship — for you — and then not want to be the cause of her leaving her boyfriend. You’ve put her in a situation she may not be ready to deal with, and now you want to stand behind her and not be the cause of her leaving her boyfriend, even after you’re the catalyst for her possible break up.

Focus on yourself — not this other woman and her abusive boyfriend. Frankly, that’s really between the two of them. The question I’d like you to address is, Why don’t you find a great woman who’s actually available?

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