[Anonymous]

Lets see, best to start about my background. Married highschool sweetheart at 28. Although we had a brief break in college and I dated a few guys, I can say I was never in another relationship. We were married 10 years. During that time he was diagnosed as bipolar and the last 6 years of the marriage were a nightmare. As the disorder was not managed (he did not accept the diagnosis…not unusual) I dealt with lying, cheating, manipulation..too much crap and he finally ran off one day with another woman. About 4 months after he left I went to dinner with friends and met their out of town guest. I was immediately attracted to him but didn’t think much of it because he was from out of town. A couple of months later while at a big event with these same friends in his town, we hooked up, so to speak. There had been some brief emails before that so this was a total surprise but a lovely one. Now I must say I’m not someone who has been around the block much as my husband had been my only but I felt very comfortable with what had happen. I felt safe and to be honest after being celibate for over 5 years, being held and kissed felt wonderful. Anyway, after that we saw each other on a monthly basis, talked all the time, flirted constantly, and became great friends. And then he started to fade away a bit. Initially I though it was his job…he does support services during hurricanes and it was a busy season with him on the rode 3 weeks at a time, no sleep etc. Finally after asking what was going on he explained his ex had come back in his life. I don’t know what exactly happened but I envision it was a scenario like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown and ultimately he got hurt again. This time he was angry at himself for letting it happen and not handling her or me the right way. I really took no issue as from all I could tell, he really did love this women so I can understand why he was open to a possible reconciliation (note: although we were dating we never discussed being exclusive). So given all that things cooled even more from a dating standpoint. Again, I was OK with that. What has been hard for me though is that of further losing him as a friend. I don’t have many of those and I feel like it would be such a loss. We still talk and when in town hang out/have fun but I see how he treats me so different from his other female friends. He is a very huggy guy, calls everyone hun and baybee etc. (simple examples) but with me there is a wall and that does hurt my feelings. How do I convey to him that I’m really OK with being just friends, that I really hope he does find someone that makes him happy, that a hug or spending a quantity of time together will not lead me on, and that I’m there for him no matter what. I have been as blunt as to tell him those things but he does express concern. I’m just frustrated. I want my friend, I don’t need a boyfriend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can want lots of things, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to get them. 😥 In fact, it’s very hard — wait, make that impossible — to make a man do or be something he doesn’t want to do or be. So, while you are ready to be friends with your ex-boyfriend, and really want to be friends with your ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t want exactly the same thing at the same time. Since you’ve already been blunt about what you want from him, and you’re still not getting it, I think you have to accept that he is where he is in his life, and right now that doesn’t include you being the kind of friend you’d like to be to him.

The good news is that you’re out and dating, and that you like being in a relationship. It’s very hard to have male friends without one person or the other in the relationship wanting more than the other one. It’s a lot easier to make your real friends women, and your love interests men. While that may sound black and white, it’s one way to make your life easier, and eliminate any mixed messages or disappointment you may feel.

I do hope you’ll get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, now that you’re single and dating, because it will help you a lot during this time. You can download the book here. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Member]

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