[Anonymous]

My Girlfriend is 28 years old and now has no sex drive and it is coming in-between our relationship. She just turned 28 in September, is on anti-depressants and has chronic pelvic pain which no one seems to understand what is going on nor do they offer her advice on increasing her libido. When I try to touch her to get her aroused I’m getting my hand slapped, When we do have sex it is very difficult to get her to orgasm, she thinks the only way for her to achieve is by being on top, and then that doesn’t always work she gets very irritated and the sex ends. She is always using excuses such as being tired or in pain for the reason she isn’t interested in sex. Sometimes after sex she is in pain and has a special cream she has to put on her vulvae called lidocain.
I found your site during a search on how to increase her libido and have run out of options, our relationship is great except the sex has became a major issue, sometimes I’m gone for 10 days at a time (I believe her when she says she isn’t cheating), and I’m always so excited to see her and be intimate with her when I get back and she isn’t sexually interested (I believe her when she claims she did masturbate) so I am left wondering why she isn’t as excited and it is tearing me apart.

[Ask April Masini]

Anti-depressants are extremely capable of killing anyone’s sex drive. So, ask her if she’ll see her doctor and discuss options for alternative medications or different doses of her anti-depressant. If she’s comfortable enough to have you join in the consultation, it would bring the two of you a lot closer. I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating, but if she’s willing to share the solution to this problem with you, you might learn something and even add to the physician consult about her anti-depressants and their affect on her sex drive.

Secondly, her chronic pelvic pain would definitely be a psychological reason to not want to have sex — and even to be depressed about sex. It’s important to be vigilant about health care, and I would suggest that she try and get to the bottom of the reason for her chronic pelvic pain, and the solution to the real problem for it. Lidocaine is an anesthetic that is used to numb areas. I’m not a physician, but I wonder what the long term effect of using lidocaine on her genitals and genital region has to her sexual feelings. This is something she needs to get answers to from doctors.

Thirdly, understand that it is very normal for your sex drive to be much higher than hers is, even if these two issues above did not exist. So you’re not the only guy who may get his hand slapped for trying to arouse his girlfriend when she’s just not ready for that yet.

Given all that, your question is legitimate and you have a right to an answer and a solution. My advice is that you’re going to have to get very, very creative, and explore all kinds of options that may get your girlfriend turned on (AFTER she sees her physician for the 2 above medical challenges). Some people use sex toys as part of couples’ play in bed, other people enjoy soft core porn together because it gets them both turned on if it’s the right kind of movie for the two of you. Maybe she needs you to become Mr. Super Seducer and start with some dirty talk or some sexual caresses that don’t necessarily lead to sex, but imply how sexually attractive you find her. Maybe it’s great lingerie with feathery mule slippers for her. You may want to take a walk together through a sex shop like the Penthouse Store or the Playboy Store or some other Pleasure Chest type shop and buy some things that she might be interested in. Since she says that she does masturbate, ask her if she’ll do it in front of you. Lots of couples incorporate this kind of sexual activity into their bedroom life as a couple, not just as something that is done alone, privately.

I hope I’ve given you some ideas that may resonate for you, as well as some reasons for her reduced libido.

Good luck! 🙂

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