[Anonymous]

My G/F of two years is 26 and I am 25, for the most part we have had an active sex life but for the past few months it has been far and few between.
Now I work in a Job that until i can work my way back to a local facility, I have to be away for days, sometimes weeks at a time. If I am home for only two days or four days I would like to have sex with her however she is either too tired or not interested. I know she is the only nurse on at the doctors office right now do to the other one quitting and the new hire has to finish her classes so she has been working 8 am till 6-7 pm but I feel she has a problem with our sex.
Now out of the last Two and a half months we have had sex three-four times when I’m home and one of those times she just wasn’t interested. When I talk to her about it she gets mad at me and thinks I am unsatisfied in our relationship and want to leave her and I think she hates our sex and may wander even though she says our relationship is fine and wants to get married.
I don’t know how to approach our sex life anymore, I want sex a couple times when I finely get home and she only want to do it once, twice a month anymore. Here excuse while mad at me was the tired, our sex interest don’t match (she masturbates when I’m gone because that’s when she is interested) and she seems i have a problem with her wait gain (but she thinks she is getting fat and ugly not me. Also she hates giving head anymore, she won’t talk about masturbating to me or let me watch, she tends to just lay there anymore, other then an occasional her riding(her only way to get off), and doesn’t like me to masturbate her because I don’t know the spot (she doesn’t help guide either though).
So Please help me! I think sex is overrated but still love to have sex with her and want her to gain more interest and become more open in talking about it without making this ruin a otherwise great relationship.

[AskApril Masini]

Sex is important in a relationship — especially one where the two of you are in your 20s and should be very vital. I don’t think your sexual needs as you wrote about them are unreasonable at all. But you’re right that something is wrong. So here’s my advice:

Stress can make any person lose their sex drive. It can make them sick, physically. It can wreak havoc on a relationship. Your girlfriend’s long working hours in a stressful medical job may be to blame for her lack of interest in a sexual relationship with you. It doesn’t sound like she’s willing to change her hours, so you’re going to have to change your behavior to see if she will change hers in response.

If there is something she really likes or wants that you don’t give her normally or ever, this might be a good time to consider what I call “deals” that people in relationships make to facilitate a compromise. If your girlfriend loves jewelry or flowers or exotic meals at exclusive restaurants — whatever it is she covets — this may be the time to show up with a gift that she isn’t expecting. She may be so wowed by your generosity that she reciprocates in turn.

Sometimes women begin to feel taken for granted, and if you can show her how much you want and appreciate her, you may just breathe fresh air into the relationship and revive your sex life that way. It’s a great tool for husbands who are in long term relationships where sex drives ebb and flow over decades. Giving a partner or a spouse something they really want that you wouldn’t normally give them, may make them feel appreciated and appreciative — and generous in return!

My next suggestion is that you’re in rut sexually after two years, and you need to seduce her rather than expect her to service you. Check out my book, Romantic Date Ideas, by clicking on the link at the top of the page that says Dating Advice Books, and then scroll down until you see the book. It’s $14.95 and you can order it online. It has lots of different scenarios that you can’t set up yourself to set the mood for a sexy evening (or afternoon — morning!). It’s a cheap fix, so you’d be wise to get the book and read it. (It’s not too long!)

Your girlfriend’s weight gain at her age is a warning light that she’s depressed and/or not taking care of herself. She may feel embarrassed about her weight gain, and this isn’t going to make her feel sexy. You sound like you’re sensitive and encouraging when you tell her how beautiful she is and that she’s the one you want to have sex with, so there’s not a lot more you can do to help her lose the weight. This is something she’s going to have to figure out on her own. My guess is that she’s exhausted from her long hours and stressful job and doesn’t make time to take care of herself beyond sleeping and eating — which would lead anyone to overeat and gain weight. If you can talk to her without judgment or blame about her schedule and lifestyle, she may find the energy within herself to change her own ways and become healthier and more careful with her body and her self. Ultimately, she would be wise to make herself a priority — not her job.

Don’t give up — there’s a lot you can try to make the days you are home from your own job and with your girlfriend, an oasis, and a sexy one at that.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much April for the advise

However I have to ask:
Saterday we had my brothers wedding and both had many drinks on the dance floor she had started dancing (grinding) with this one guy she new from back in the day but also with a few other guys. Well by the time we got taken home I had made a coment about it being inapropriate to have another guy all up like that. Well she saw it as she was just having a good time, everyone was drinking and I am calling her a slut.

Now am a wronge with not liking a guy grinding with my girl, or should I just let it go to “having a good time” I mean to her it seemed like that is exeptable. How should a approch this again without getting in the fight we did that night.

[AskApril Masini]

You are not wrong at all to dislike seeing your girlfriend grinding up against guys while dancing at a wedding reception. But since she doesn’t see it as wrong, it’s important to approach the subject delicately rather than telling her she’s wrong and you want her to change her behavior.

What you can say, or riff off of is something like, “I feel really jealous when I see you grinding up against guys on the dance floor. I know you’re just having a good time, but I think the guys may take it the wrong way — not just the ones you’re dancing with, but the people watching. Would you dance like that with me, privately, instead of in public? You looked really sexy, and I want that attention from you for myself — I don’t want to share it.”

That way you can acknowledge how sexy she is, because she was obviously having a good time expressing herself, rather than make her feel ashamed of the behavior. You can also explain to her that it’s[i] other people[/i] who may get the wrong impression, rather than blaming her for being so outgoing on the dance floor. Do you see how this takes the blame out of the issue, and suggests options rather than just having her stop doing it, altogether?

Next, I would really take advantage of this dirty dancing hobby she seems to enjoy, and set up your own private nightclub at home for a date night of dirty dancing between the two of you! It might be a great way to spice things up and give her an outlet for her sexy dancing fetish!

[Anonymous]

Thanks April for all of the advice!

[AskApril Masini]

You bet! Let me know how things go.

[Ethan Morales]

your frustration is understandable being away for work and only having a few days home, it makes sense that you’d want intimacy when you’re together. Your needs aren’t unreasonable. But at the same time, your girlfriend is under intense stress with her job, long hours, and emotional weight from being the only nurse at her office. Stress kills libido for a lot of people, no matter how much they love their partner. So part of this isn’t about you, it’s about her energy and mental bandwidth.

April’s point about appreciation and seduction is valid. If sex feels like an obligation to her, it’s not going to happen. Small gestures showing gratitude, creating low-pressure romantic moments, and making her feel valued outside of sex can reintroduce desire naturally. It’s about shifting her mindset from “exhausted and burdened” to “seen and wanted.”

The weight gain and body-image issues she’s dealing with are another factor. Even if she knows you find her attractive, she may feel self-conscious and avoid sexual activity as a result. That’s not about you rejecting her it’s her internal struggle. You can’t force her to feel sexy, but you can reinforce that she’s desired and loved without judgment.

You also mentioned the decline in sexual variety her not wanting to do certain things and laying back more. That’s a sign that she may be emotionally or physically drained, and it’s not a reflection of how she feels about you. Pressuring her or showing frustration will only push her further away. You need patience and a focus on connection rather than performance.

Finally, yes a “deal” approach can work in some cases. Surprise her with something thoughtful, create moments where intimacy is about closeness, not just sex, and allow her to feel the appreciation and love without pressure. Once her stress and fatigue are addressed or at least lessened, her sexual interest may naturally return.

Your frustration is valid, but this isn’t a problem with you or your love life failing it’s a stress, fatigue, and energy mismatch. Focus on emotional intimacy, patience, and creating a low-pressure, appreciative environment. That’s the only way this relationship’s sex life will revive without resentment building.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s clear that your concerns about your sexual relationship are valid. Sex is a natural and important part of intimacy, especially in your twenties, and feeling disconnected from that part of your relationship can be frustrating. That said, your girlfriend’s long hours, stressful job, and exhaustion are likely major factors in her reduced sexual interest. Her behavior isn’t necessarily a reflection of how she feels about you, but rather a combination of stress, fatigue, and perhaps self-consciousness about changes in her body or energy levels. Understanding this context is crucial before addressing the situation.

It also seems that communication about sex has become tense. When conversations about intimacy lead to her feeling criticized or defensive, it blocks honest dialogue. A better approach is to focus on connection rather than performance. Expressing appreciation, creating romantic gestures, or planning special, stress-free time together can reignite desire without pressuring her. Making your time together feel like a safe, loving oasis rather than a checklist for sex often produces far better results.

Regarding her dancing at the wedding, your reaction is understandable. Feeling jealous when your partner engages in sexually suggestive behavior with others is natural, but framing it as control or blame will escalate conflict. A calm, honest conversation about how it made you feel, emphasizing your desire for her attention and closeness, is far more effective. Position it as your feelings about public attention rather than judgment of her actions, and offer alternatives like sharing that fun energy privately with you.

The overall dynamic here seems to require patience and creativity. Her stress and insecurities are real, and your needs are valid too. Balancing both means nurturing intimacy through thoughtful gestures, open communication, and shared experiences rather than forcing or pressuring sexual activity. At the same time, being honest about your needs without shaming or blaming her can help you both find a rhythm that works. This relationship isn’t broken; it’s just in a phase that requires sensitivity, respect, and mutual effort to rekindle connection.

[Member]

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