[playitloud]

Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years. I recently graduated from college and he has been out for a year, so I do see us getting married sometime in the future. However, there is one nagging problem in our relationship that I need advice on. Like every relationship, ours has its ups and downs. My boyfriend tells me that he likes for me to tell him when there are things bothering me. I am very open and honest about the things that do bother me, and I will admit there are times that I do get emotional when I talk to him about things. However, it is really frustrating to me that he tells me he wants me to talk to him about these things, but whenever I do he automatically jumps on the defense. I talk to him about these things hoping they are things he can improve on, but instead he just takes these things and defends himself. Also, often in the middle of these conversations he will begin talking to me about something completely out of the blue. I will be talking to him about a serious topic and then he will start asking me about a book or something. It is very annoying. Basically, I just need advice on how I can communicate with him the things that are bothering me without him getting upset/defensive and rather hearing these things and making a commitment to work on them. Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What men say is important, but what they do is more important. Your boyfriend may have told you that he wants you to tell him when things bother you, but judging from what you’ve written me, I don

[Ethan Morales]

It sounds like your boyfriend genuinely wants you to be open, but when it comes to actual feedback or criticism, he struggles to hear it without becoming defensive. This is really common in relationships he might think he’s protecting himself, or he feels criticized even when you’re trying to be constructive. The part where he changes the subject in the middle of a serious conversation also shows that he may not know how to sit with discomfort or conflict.

This doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. You’re trying to communicate, but he’s not fully receiving your message, which can leave you frustrated and unheard. Set the stage intentionally. Before bringing up something important, say something like, “I need to talk about something that’s bothering me. Can we set aside 10 minutes just for this?” This signals that it’s serious and deserves focus.

Use “I” statements. Frame concerns around your feelings rather than his behavior. For example: “I feel upset when conversations get interrupted because I want to feel heard,” instead of “You always change the subject.”

Keep it concise. Present one concern at a time. Overloading him may trigger defensiveness. Acknowledge and pause. If he gets defensive, gently pause the conversation and say, “I hear that this is uncomfortable. I just want us to understand each other better.” This keeps the tone calm rather than escalating.

Follow-up with action. Ask, “What can we both do to make sure we hear each other during tough conversations?” This turns complaints into problem-solving instead of blame. The key here is structuring your communication so he’s less likely to shut down, and making it clear that your goal is improvement together, not criticism.

[Serena Vale]

Hey,

I get it. You’re trying to talk about real things in the relationship, and instead of listening, he gets defensive or changes the subject. That would frustrate anyone.

Sometimes people say they want honesty, but when it actually happens, they don’t know how to handle it. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it just means he needs to learn how to listen without feeling attacked.

Try something like:

“Hey, I’m not trying to argue. I just want us to understand each other better.”

And if he switches topics, gently bring it back:

“Can we finish this first? It’s important to me.”

Also, choose moments when he’s calm and not distracted. It helps a lot.

End of the day, you’re not asking for too much. You just want to be heard. That’s normal in a relationship. As long as he’s willing to work on it, you two can get through this. But make sure you keep speaking up, your feelings matter.

[Natalie Noah]

It sounds like you’re in a really frustrating position, and your feelings are completely valid. From what you’ve described, it seems like your boyfriend isn’t actually ready or able to hear your concerns in a productive way. When someone jumps to the defensive or changes the subject in the middle of serious conversations, it’s a way of avoiding accountability and shutting down true communication. While he says he wants you to share your feelings, his actions show that he struggles with listening and processing them without feeling attacked, which is a key skill for any healthy, long-term relationship.

The next step is about protecting your voice and your emotional needs. You might try setting clear boundaries around these conversations: for example, asking for a dedicated time to talk when both of you are calm, or using “I feel” statements that are harder to react defensively to. But ultimately, you need to see whether he’s willing to put in the work to really hear you. A relationship where your concerns are ignored, deflected, or minimized will breed resentment over time, so it’s worth evaluating if he can meet you halfway and grow with you, or if this pattern will continue and continue to frustrate you.

[Member]

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