[xsoopastar]

Hi! So my boyfriend and I (I’m 22 and he is 33) had an argument last night about him thinking that I was acting immature because of a conversation we were having. He mentioned that I was acting immaturely because I got so worked up about it when he was simply being sarcastic. We joke around a lot and we have been together for almost a year. However, I felt that he really feels that I am immature. After I expressed that and said I was not sure how I felt about him thinking I am immature we ended up having an argument. Throughout the argument I realized that we had a misunderstanding and he lost his temper which I have never really seen him do before. We have had disagreements which we both can agree to not always agree on everything, however I did tell him that I was not happy with the way he was talking to me. He apologized after we hung up the phone and said that it will not happen again. However, today he was being distant when I called. He mentioned that he was not planning on calling me today or tomorrow really because he did not want the argument to come up again since he felt as did I, that it was a waste of time. We have already made plans for Friday night so his plans were just to see me on Friday. I understand that we need time to maybe cool down and I am working on my patience. I just do not know how to react to it. Should I not talk to him till Friday or respond if he ends up calling before then? How should I act when we go out since I have no spoken to him in a few days? He said that he is committed to not arguing and that he misses me and all but he wants things to cool down. I just don’t want to have some kind of attitude because we did not talk it out and just agreed that it was stupid and let it go. I guess I am asking how do I act when I see him and avoid having an attitude after not speaking for a few days? 😐

[Ask April Masini]

Your boyfriend basically asked you for a little space after the two of you had an argument. Since that argument was the first time in your one year relationship that you saw him lose his temper, it sounds like his buttons got pressed. If he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t lose his temper easily, then having lost it is taxing — on him! — as well as you, but probably more so on him. Losing your temper takes up a lot of your body’s energy and adrenaline, so he’s probably really affected by the argument, which he may think was a fight because he did lose his temper to the extent he needed some time apart afterwards.

If you’re going to have a future with this guy, learning how to argue and even how to fight is important. All couples argue and fight during the course of their relationships, so the fact that you were at odds is less important than the process you develop to resolve conflicts. What you’re learning is that your boyfriend doesn’t have the same tolerance you do for conflict, and you need to respect that. At the same time, resolving the conflict is important, but the timeline to do this is negotiable.

When you see him on Friday, make sure the message you convey to him first and foremost is how much you love him and how glad you are to see him. Instead of picking up where you left off when you fought, allow the evening to be a really pleasant date. You need to get a good experience under your belts before you go back to the problem you had that led to the argument.

If you want to leave him a text or e-mail today, prior to your date tomorrow, make it short and sweet and one that doesn’t require a response. Something like, I’m so looking forward to seeing you and having a really fun night together with no stress and lots of love. Or something like that. That’s going to alleviate any anxiety he has that your Friday night together is going to be another round in the ring.

When you’re in a good place with him, bring up the argument, but employ some communication rules when you do so:

1. If you’re going to have a talk about something that is potentially loaded, do it in a neutral place like a coffee shop or on a hike or sitting in a park. Stay away from rooms that are “loaded with meaning” like the bedroom when you’re going to have “a talk”.

2. Never put him on the defense. Use sentences that have “I” in them, and stay away from “you” sentences. This will help you from blaming him for any behavior, and will help the two of you get to a resolution rather than another round of arguing.

3. Focus on agreeing to what the problem is. Lots of times miscommunications run rampant and he may think the problem is one thing, like your age difference, and you may think it’s his disrespect for your maturity level. In fact, you may be surprised at what you learn his interpretation of the problem is.

Focus again on agreeing to possible solutions. For instance, if you can cop to the fact that although you are a mature 22 year old, the reality is you don’t have the life experience he does, and you understand that this can be a challenge for him because points he may want to make don’t necessarily register with you because you have different life reference points. If you can come to an understanding that you’re not of the same life experience level, he may speak differently to you in a way that doesn’t irk you. Or maybe what you can cop to is that you were really bothered by something else that was going on in your life the day you had the argument, and you didn’t even realize it. He hit a nerve with you, and you lashed out at him in a way you wouldn’t have if so and so wasn’t bothering you under the surface.

4. Be gracious and generous. Arguments happen when one person feels that they’re not going to win, so they come out with all guns blazing. If he feels that you’re being reasonable and not needing to win on every point, in fact you’re giving him points he didn’t expect to get, he’ll be more gracious and generous with you, and your resolution will be sweeter.

I hope that helps — good luck!

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