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Hi April and forum,
Just some background: My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over a year. Her mom doesn’t like me because I’m not wealthy enough in her mind (even though her family is not wealthy at all). My girlfriend has told her mom we broke up back in the summer. My girlfriend’s reasoning is that because her mom is dying of cancer, she wants her mom to die happy and not mad at her. I’m 29 and shes 35.

My girlfriend always spends holidays at her family’s house. I don’t have any family as my parents passed away a while ago and I’m an only child. My girlfriend won’t invite to her family’s gathering because of the mom problem. She didn’t want to see me on Thanksgiving… that’s fine… but she didn’t want to even make an effort to see me yesterday on Christmas.

I had spoke to her earlier in the week and asked her to at least spend the late night (after 10/11pm) Christmas with me, after she was done with her family. She tells me she can’t because she’s driving her mom and sister, she’ll be too drunk, her family is too much fun, etc. All her family lives here and she spent 12/24 with them all too.

I feel really hurt that she didn’t even attempt to make an effort to spend time with me on the holiday. I’m not trying to be overbearing at all and not let her go to her family’s gathering… I just feel that if it were me at my family’s gathering, I would have left a bit earlier to spend time with my girlfriend if I didn’t see her all day on Christmas.

Because I was thinking she would have spent the late night with me, I went through the trouble to book a nice hotel room for the night, select and make reservations for a unique lunch experience and then a romantic dinner today (12/26). I spoke to her earlier and she still wants to go to the dinner, but I just don’t feel like it as now I feel I’m just being used for the dinner. She can only tell me “I’m sorry I don’t know what to say” which didn’t sound to sincere to me on the phone. I didn’t tell her about the hotel or reservations until today because it was suppose to be a Christmas surprise.

I really put myself out there and made an effort for this girl. I really don’t feel like doing a Christmas dinner or Christmas activities with her… let alone even make an effort any more to try to please her (such as getting lunch this week… I don’t like to leave my office during the day, normally I would have said yes to her, but this time I said no).

Do I have a right to be hurt? What should I take from the situation? Also, should I even bother to give her all the gifts I bought?… I’m contemplating returning them (especially the nice lingerie) and just giving her some lotions.

Thanks,
PD in SoCal

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t a “mom problem”. 😕 [i]It’s a girlfriend problem.[/i] She’s 35, so she should know better at her age, and you’ve been dating for a year, which is long enough that there should a holiday commitment. Her excuses for not spending some of Christmas with you don’t hold water. Whether her mother has cancer or not, there should be honesty between them, and if she’s going to be dishonest with her mother, expect more of the same in your direction. 😳 She could easily have included you, or taken a taxi cab to meet you somewhere, or had you pick her up, and she should have done this at Thanksgiving and Christmas — especially since you don’t have family. I hate to tell you this because I know you’re going to be disappointed, but I don’t think she cares or respects you enough for you to continue with her. This isn’t a mutually respectful relationship. You can do better. 😉 Start the new year looking for someone who is excited and wanting to be with you. 🙂

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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Thanks for the in depth reply, April. Actually, I’m not disappointed… I’ve kinda felt that doesn’t really care about me for a while now… I guess I’ve just dealt with her crap because of her mom.

I just thought that I may have been overreacting to the situation on Christmas. And I’ve tried to give her room by not being over imposing with her mom’s situation, but I see that’s not an excuse I should accept.

I’ve actually been talking to new girls for a couple weeks now, but felt bad going through with dates. I kinda was treating Christmas as a “last straw” deal.

Thanks for the advice. Even though I’m scared to have to be alone again and start again, I know what to do from here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you know what to do next. As for your fear of being alone….

First of all, I sincerely doubt you’ll be alone for very long. Second of all, being alone in a relationship where you’re by yourself on Thanksgiving and Christmas because you’ve been rejected by your girlfriend, is a lot worse by a long shot than being alone because you haven’t met Ms. Right yet, and you know it! 😉 Third, I hope you’ll use what you’ve learned from this relationship to hone your dating skills and weed out women who aren’t genuine about their deep interest in you, and in a relationship that you want, sooner rather than later this time. 😀

Let me know how things go, and Happy New Year! I think you’re going to have a good one.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Lune David]

I’m in the same situation and honestly, it’s driving me nuts. 😅 I went through all the effort of planning a surprise holiday dinner, hotel, and even picked out some really thoughtful gifts… only to feel like I’m just a “backup plan” after she spent all day with her family.

My question for April:
At what point does gift-giving feel more like bribery than appreciation? I want to show I care, but I also don’t want to feel used or like the gifts are just a way to keep me around when I clearly wasn’t a priority on the actual holiday.

Would love your advice on navigating this without losing my mind (or my wallet). 😂

[Member]

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