[trainermc]

I’ve been talking to this girl for 2 months and 3 weeks ago we decided to be exclusive with each other. She is 21 I am 26 and it is long distance. We made love a several times and I know she enjoyed it. Her history though is rough and I am only the second person she has slept with, the first was a very abusive boyfriend she saw for 2 years. It ended 1 year ago and said the abuse didnt start until half way into the second year. It was clear she was emotionally reserved while I am very emotionally open. I even told her I loved her, which she said was too soon. I expected that though but told her that was how I felt. She did begin to open up to me though and she has told me I am amazing and called me “love.”

What triggered her to leave was of 2 text arguments we had. The first one was about how I wanted to see her more often, but she said she needed to stay at home with her parents (lives with them) and seeing me more than 2 days in a row was too much. On the next day we talked about her ex and I attempted to console her. She told me she never wants to love anyone again because she loved her ex and it ruined her. I told her I couldnt marry someone that didnt love me, so I wanted to help her get over her ex. She got mad and told me I should have never even tried. I told her I wasn’t ready to give up on her yet. That was on a thursday but we made plans to hang out that saturday. When I asked her on friday what time she would be coming to see me Saturday she wanted to cancel. Orginally she was supposed to spend the night saturday and go home sunday, but now she wanted to just come sunday after something she wanted to do sunday morning. I called her to ask why she wanted to cancel, she told me there is something she usually does on sundays but usually cancels it to see me. I was upset because she canceled last second and after our argument. I convinced her to still come saturday. Later that day she texted me saying she really doesnt want to come saturday so I called again and asked if anything had changed between us. She said nothing has, so we agreed that she would visit on and go to dinner and she would spend the night on Sunday. When she came though she sat down and told me that I really shouldn;t waste my time with her. She never wants to change so she thinks its pointless to continue. We talked a little about it, but I kept my cool and walked her to her car kissed her on the forehead and she left.

Everything up until those text arguments was great. I want her back obviously because we connected well. I want to apologize to her for pressuring her into those things and see if we could take it more slowly. I want to acknowledge i was asking for more than she was willing to give. I want to tell her I was wrong to try to change her and that I accept her for who she is. I know she enjoyed seeing me. I want to just take it one day at a time and have fun together. I plan on writing her a letter telling her this. What are your thoughts? What do you think are my chances?

[Ask April Masini]

The first thing you should always do when you’re dating, is decide why you’re dating, and what you’re looking for. That will eliminate a slew of potential problems! You’ve mentioned that you’re wanting to marry, and that’s great that you know what you want. The next step is to find someone who’s compatible. If you learn to look out for compatibilities and incompatibilities in relationships, early on, you’ll protect yourself against unexpected dynamics like the one you just went through. You’re feeling that she left you unexpectedly, but if you slow things down in any dating relationship, you’ll see things, like this break up, coming before they happen — and you’ll have options that you don’t have now. 😉

This woman may not be your best match if you’re looking for a serious relationship that leads to marriage. Here’s why: She lives with her parents, has limited dating experience, was going to be in a long distance relationship with you (which is often more difficult to maintain than an in-town relationship), and she told you she never wants to love anyone because of her prior (and only other) relationship. You wrote that you want to get her back because the two of you connected well — but you deserve a lot more than simply “connecting well” if your long term goal is a committed, serious relationship. It may be that you really liked each other, but weren’t great together for the long run.

Another tip I can offer you is a timeline that seems to really work for people. It goes like this: Use the first three months of dating to even decide if you want to continue seeing someone — and assume she’s doing the same. This lets you get to know her and vice versa, and it prevents jumping the gun when you don’t. If the first three months go well, and you both want to continue seeing each other, then use the second three months of a relationship to decide if you want to be monogamous. This is going to help a lot in the future, and while it may seem like a long time to date before committing, it helps prevent serial monogamy, or bouncing from one relationship to another because you get involved with someone with whom you’re not compatible and jumped the gun. 😉

If you still want to give it a try, you may consider that writing her a letter will feel very serious to her, and not fun and light. Remember that she said she doesn’t want to love anyone again, so if you want to try to continue to see her, you need to really focus on light and casual and less on serious and intimate. Consider light and fun dates that are once every week or couple of weeks and don’t involve multiple days at a time, in order to create her desire to see you more, not her feeling overwhelmed by your company. And as for your chances…. I think you’ll only know if you try! She’s already broken up with you, so you don’t have a lot to lose at this point. Remember not to come on too strong, and temper your own expectations so you don’t get hurt too badly if she decides this isn’t right for her.

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[trainermc]

Thanks for the reply and the advice April! Well we connected well, and I also thought she had everything I wanted in a woman with the exception of this troublesome past. This would likely not be a long distance relationship for long she finishing college. In the future I will definitely make sure to take things much slower. We had the gf/bf titles because she said she would not sleep with someone that wasn’t already her boyfriend, and I felt I liked her enough at that point to be exclusive.

In the letter I would just apologize for pressuring her into dealing with things she didn’t want to. I would ask her that if she is ready to give us a second go then I would just like to live in the moment with her, with no expectations and no complications.

I guess a question I had is why wouldn’t she accept this and give us a second chance. Like I said, it appeared that she really liked me although she was too reserved to show much affection. The only thing it seemed was that she felt I had expectations of her that she deemed unreasonable. I am giving her a week then sending her a letter. If she doesn’t accept our second chance, I would just like to know why, because I am basically telling her the reasons she broke up with me are no longer an issue.

[Ask April Masini]

You can try the letter. Just make sure you focus on keeping it light. 😉 The reason I advised against it was because one of her issues with the former relationship was your wanting too much of her time, and that she felt she wanted to spend it with her parents, with whom she lives, instead, any letter may be perceived by her, as a serious step in a relationship. My suggestion to make things light was to keep her from feeling bogged down by any relationship demands she perceived. She also said that she didn’t want to fall in love again because her last relationship was so painful, and a letter is a reminder of a relationship, whereas a call inviting her to the zoo or an amusement park or a fun movie and pizza, might feel more like a treat, and less like an onus. 😉

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[trainermc]

Thanks April! So I know she wanted to be in a relationship because she would not sleep with me unless we were bf/gf. She received my card today. In it, I just apologized for asking things that were out of her comfort level and spoiling our fun with pointless arguments. I told her I accept who she is with no compromise. I told her the only thing we should focus on is having delicious french toast together (I made french toast for her once and she loved it). I ended with if she is ready to give us another go, I want to just live in the moment and have fun with her with no expectations or complications.

Today is basically over and she has not responded. I don’t know whether to take this as a sign that she is thinking about it, or a sign that she doesn’t care enough to make a reply, or maybe thinks if she replies it would only end in argument. It was a very calm break up and the break up had no argument or angry vibes. If you were thinking about it and were going to make a response, how long would someone wait?

I felt we never got full closure so I would like to get that if she doesn’t want to get back together. How long should I give her to respond before I ask for closure from her?

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]…If you were thinking about it and were going to make a response, how long would someone wait? [/quote]

I think about three to four weeks is fair.

[quote]I felt we never got full closure so I would like to get that if she doesn’t want to get back together. How long should I give her to respond before I ask for closure from her?[/quote]

If she doesn’t respond to your letter, there’s no reason to send another one asking for something else. Her non-response will be your closure. 😉

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[trainermc]

Thanks for all you’re advice April. I just want to give an update.

So I talked to her on the phone and she basically said that once she breaks up with someone she never gets back together with them, no matter what. She said it makes her feel weak like she was with her abusive ex. No amount of talk would convince her otherwise. She said that she just wanted a stress free relationship and since we had an argument it made her think it was all downhill from there. Even though the argument is resolved. She said she would rather regret it later than feel weak by taking someone back. I asked her what she thought of our relationship before the argument and she said she was happy. She enjoyed sex and we laughed a lot. But once that thought entered her mind there was no going back. She says that she is willing to accept being alone for the rest of her life.

She obviously has issues and the fact that she does not want to change anything about them means there really is no hope for this.

Thanks again!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome!

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