[caliboy22]

Hi April,

My girlfriend of 8 months is friends with her ex. They were childhood friends and when they got older they decided to date for a while. He was her first boyfriend and also lost her virginity to him. This happened 6 years ago. They are really good friends now and still keep in touch regularly. I don’t believe that a relationship can go from sexual to platonic and this is why it bothers me. Am I in the wrong hear? She says she doesn’t have feelings for him, but why would she care so much about him? Also, she ended the relationship so I believe that this guy still has feeling for her and would jump back into a relationship with her in a heartbeat. She does not agree with me. I really would like to understand this situation but everyone I talk to about this agrees with me that this is a very weird relationship. Am I overreacting? Should I just trust that it is truly platonic? What’s your opinion?

Thanks,
Caliboy

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not wrong.

That said, if you give her an ultimatum or if you make a mountain out of a molehill, you may do more damage than good. I know that this bothers you, but is it worth risking a break up fight over? There’s a saying that goes, Is this really a hill you want to die on? In other words, are you really willing to go to battle and possibly die on a hill you may just want to walk around, for now.

My advice is, [i][b]for now[/b][/i], focus on what’s good in the relationship, and become the boyfriend that she WANTS to please to the extent, that she’ll drop her old ex on her own, because she knows it bothers you and she wants to do right by you. The way to make a relationship work, ideally, is to become the partner he or she wants to please — not one who has ultimatums dangling. 😉

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[caliboy22]

Hi April,

I need your advice. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years and living with her for 1. We just recently talked about our future and a discussion about kids ensued. I want kids, she doesn’t. I have made it certain that if we do not have kids this will not work. I think my sternness on the situation influenced her response. She has told me that she doesn’t necessarily want kids but if thats what it will take to be with me, she will have my kids.

We are not planning to have kids anytime soon. However, I feel that if she was to have my kids down the road it would lead to resentment.

I could really use your insight please!

Thank you very much!

caliboy

[AskApril Masini]

Usually, when people date, the issue of children, and other deal breakers, comes up within the first six months of dating, so it’s a little surprising to hear that since you’ve been dating for four years and living together for one, the issue has never come up before. If you do write again, let me know how old you both are — that will help! 🙂 Your instincts are correct — that if she’s compromising on having kids, which is such a life changer, and she’s not sure about her decision, that’s going to create problems. However, there are many couples who compromise on the issue of children — whether to have them, how many to have, whether to have them naturally or adopt or use infertility procedures — and some are just fine, while others do run into the resentment that you are concerned about.

This is really an issue about knowing each other. And since you’ve been dating for four years, and living together for one, I think you probably know her very well. If you think that this deal breaker for you, is going to create relationship issues down the line, then my advice is to move on and find someone who’s compatible with you in this regard of having kids. But if you think that she is mature enough to make these types of relationship compromises, which can work, then you have a good shot at a happy, healthy, family.

What’s your feeling about her maturity level and her ability to make this kind of life change as a sacrifice for you?

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