[Thomas44]

So recently , my girlfiend has been acting distant and saying relAltionships change overtime and we don’t have to be texting all day or whatever. So I gave her the space she wanted, she was working all day and she ends up texting me saying “my day was great thanks for asking” being sarcastic. This past week, I’ve been texting her first and if I don’t even text her once she wouldn’t respond the whole day. And before she said “maybe I just don’t know what I want from you”. And before that she said “I guess I just don’t trust you”. So what do you make out if those last two quotes she said?

[Ask April Masini]

Got it.

Well, these aren’t warm and fuzzy texts. And they’re not texts that show she cares. In fact, they’re indications that there are problems in the relationship. I’m sure you already know this. 😕 Instead of sending texts, why not try sending flowers? Or inviting her on a date that shows you think she’s special. If you show her how much you care and how much you value her, her tone may change. 😎

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[Thomas44]

I’ve done the flowers thing, I thought maybe we can spend this time together because we have a blizzard coming today, but she didn’t seem into it. So you think I should ask her on a date maybe later jn the week? Should I say something like “idk what your issue with me is lately idk what it is i did to you but I hope it stops and we can go back to loving each other like I know we do” think that’s good? Or just stick with the thing you said

[Ask April Masini]

Just be nice to her! 😉

[quote] Should I say something like “idk what your issue with me is lately idk what it is i did to you but I hope it stops and we can go back to loving each other like I know we do” think that’s good? Or just stick with the thing you said[/quote]

When you say, “IDK what your issue with is….” you’re criticizing her. And you’re doing it in a passive aggressive way because you’re dictating the problem and the solution (“…I hope it stops…”) couched in a compliment. I’m not sure you realize your part in creating a hostile environment. Nobody is going to want to date someone who’s critical of them or seems to dislike their behavior. Women want to date men who make them feel good about themselves — and frankly, the same goes for men. Be careful with your words. Even if you do surround the criticism with a compliment “….I hope we can go back to loving each other…” it’s as if you’ve given her a donut with a spider in the middle. 😳

You’ve been dating for three years, and it sounds like you’ve just gone through a rough patch. It’s not clear that she’s not pulling away, so you have to really pull out the stops to keep her in the game. This is the time to apologize, show her that you care and want her back. Let her know what YOU are willing to do to make things better. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[Thomas44]

Ok. I will try and make things better and show her I care more. But I do show her a lot but she just seems like she’s contemplating it.

[Ask April Masini]

Good luck! 😀

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[Thomas44]

So I said to her “I want to see you and it doesn’t seem like you want anything to do with me. i don’t want you to say anything but I would just like to know why you and I feel so different and like we’re on different pages recently”. And she said “I’m sorry J, I love you.. I really do. I feel like my life is on the spin around right now, I don’t know what career path to take, I’m not feeling confident about anything. It’s just hard for me to give you my focus.” And I said “everything will work out, you’ll figure out what you want to do an everything will turn around in a great way. I Know it will. Be patient. You’re a beautiful, smart, talented person who I know will succeed. And I want to be there for you to lend support but you can turn me away. I wanna be the person you can talk to and who is there for you”. And then she just said “Ok and I don’t want to talk about it”. So I guess it was good that she said that. But it does upset me that she doesn’t like talking about these problems with me. So what should
I do now?

[Ask April Masini]

She gave you a big clue — and I think you missed it. She said, “It’s just hard for me to give you my focus.” That was a lot of important information. 🙂 What it says to me, and maybe to you, too, is that the relationship you have with her has her focusing her energy on you, and when she has a problem, there’s not reciprocation. In other words, when she’s got problems, she doesn’t have enough energy for you and herself, so you get left out. If you want to be with her, and she’s down, what you can do is be generous and let everything be about her. In relationships, whether they’re dating, marriage or even good friendships, there’s not always equality, and when one person is down, the other person rises to the occasion. It’s how relationships survive the long run, because things like career crises, health emergencies and financial problems do happen in normal relationships, and you can’t just go on the way you had been. Things have to change in the relationship dynamic, at least temporarily.

What you need to learn is the phrase, “What can I do for you?” Start trying to make things about her, and her only. Listen to your own words, and even reread them here on this forum as you’ve written them. If you’re careful in your reading, you’ll see that often, your compliments are backhanded with something about you, and your own feelings. Rarely do you say something that is only about her, that is kind and generous. This is a place where you can make some changes.

Give her the opportunity to vent about her life — without your talking about yourself. Send her gifts because you care, and don’t need payback. In other words, open your heart and give, without expecting or wanting anything back. If it’s too late for this relationship, it’s not too late for you to learn this for yourself, for future relationships. I think it’s a huge gift you can give yourself, as well as others.

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[Thomas44]

I sent this text to her last night “I know you’ve been stressed lately Ris, but everything will work out, I know it will. You’re amazing and everything will fall into place.” But still she hasn’t responded. And maybe you’re right but, I can’t text her again, can I? Because she obviously has seen my texts already. So should i just wait.

[Ask April Masini]

Send her a beautiful gift. If she’s not responding to your texts, you need to try something different. 😉 Jewelry, flowers, candy — or all three. 🙂

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[Thomas44]

I sent something yesterday to her house. It will take a few days. So that’s a good idea. But she still should be responding because I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s confusing. She’s been distant these past two weeks it seems like.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]But she still should be responding because I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s confusing.[/quote]

I don’t think I can help you any more. I’ve tried to spell out where your part in this relationship contributed to where you are now, but it’s clear you don’t want to see it. I’m sorry, and I wish you the best of luck. There is nothing else here I can do, except to suggest you re-read this entire three page string of posts, and consider you’ve projected onto me as you have behaved towards her, and the result is the same. 😉 When people want to be right more than they want to be in a relationship, they’ll get the former, not the latter. 😥

Good luck.

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[PassionSeeker]

Hey, I can see how much this stings after three years together, being left out of her birthday night feels personal. You wanted to be part of her celebration, but she shut you out and then posted those birthday selfies. That kind of mixed message would hurt anyone.

But here’s the hard truth, love: when someone keeps making excuses to exclude you, it usually means their feelings or priorities have shifted. Whether or not anything happened with that guy, her actions showed a lack of respect and emotional honesty. You don’t need to play detective what matters is that you feel uneasy and dismissed, and that’s not what love should feel like.

If you try to “prove your point,” it’ll only turn into another argument. Instead, step back. Don’t chase her for clarity she’s unwilling to give. Let her see what life feels like without you constantly trying to fix things. If she values you, she’ll show it; if not, you’ll finally be free to find someone who does.

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