[Betho]

So here is my question, I’m completely happy apart from the fact I feel completely ignored when it comes to sex and everything revolving around that. He is 27 and I am 21. I’m a student midwife on shifts and he is a joiner so we both work alot. When we started out we had sex often and he seemed so into me, kissing me and telling me I was beautiful and sexy. Now we maybe have sex once a fortnight even with me mentioning I would like it more. About six months into the relationship I had told him that I have never “finished” during our love making. I have always had very severe confidence issues and that is probably why I struggle to get there.
So anyway I told him I wasn’t happy with it and him not wanting to have sex was effecting my confidence even more. He replied and said that he is too tired and I only want it when we go to bed when he’s too tired, but that’s due to the fact that I want to use the covers and dim the lights so that he doesn’t see me in such a revealing way. But even with me saying let’s try new things and telling him exactly what I want he doesn’t even seem to want to know. Like he doesn’t care if I do or don’t finish. I expressed that foreplay might be nice occasionally but still none. Once he gets his release that’s it.

I’ve been trying really hard to make myself more appealing but still nothing. I even wore nice silky jamming the other day and he literally said “Aw so does this mean we need to have sex *and sighed*”
I sent him a sexy picture which I would never do because I hate my body but I thought it might help things and he never replied and just ignored it. When I later mentioned it he replied “oh Yeh I saw it”
Its not even just sex, I can’t actually remember the last time we had a kiss that was more than a peck
I feel like I’m doing all the grafting sexually for nothing in return
I’m at a loss if what to do and im scared that this small part is going to ruine the rest if a good relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Boy — it doesn’t sound like you have a good relationship aside from sex. It sounds like he’s not into you at all. 😕 How long have you been dating, and what about the relationship keeps you staying?

[Betho]

We have been dating a year and a half and we live together
The relationship is very happy apart from sex
We do things together and we laugh all the time. We have alot of common interests and I really do love him and I love being with him.
He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I do aswell. He actually told me he was looking at engagement rings.
It’s just ever since I told him that I don’t orgasming it’s got bad. He says he is just scared of letting me down so he avoids it. But that’s not what I want at all.

[Betho]

He is also quite quick to finish, lasting maybe 5 mins at most,and he says that is also embarrassing

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you for filling me in. It sounds like he feels like a failure at sex because you aren’t having orgasms — and instead of trying to solve the problem, he’s paralyzed and avoiding it. This is where you can help. You’re going to have to help him help you. You can’t make him entirely responsible for your sexual experience. You have to help show him what works. Right now, he’s feeling like the entire burden is on him, and he doesn’t know how to fix the problem. Show him and tell him. As for his finishing too quickly, himself, if the two of you make you and your pleasure the first priority, and his the second, that will slow things down, at least a little.

I hope that helps.

[Betho]

Good idea thank you,I’ll try that 🙂 thank you, hope we can get this sorted

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Sally]

Feeling ignored like that hits deep, especially when you already struggle with confidence. When the affection fades and the effort stops, your brain starts telling you it must be something wrong with you. But honestly, this doesn’t sound like a you problem.

You’ve tried talking. You’ve tried meeting him halfway. You’ve even pushed yourself way outside your comfort zone, and he still shrugs it off. The sighing, the ignoring, stopping once he’s done… that stuff hurts because it shows a lack of care, not tiredness.

Sex isn’t just about sex here. It’s about feeling wanted, desired, connected. Right now you’re putting in all the energy and getting almost nothing back, and that wears you down over time.
A good relationship shouldn’t make you feel invisible. And you’re not wrong for wanting more than this.

[Tara]

Your relationship isn’t “good except for the sex.” The sex is the diagnosis, he’s checked out, he’s complacent, and he knows you’ll keep settling because you’re terrified losing him will confirm every insecurity you already believe about yourself. He’s not tired. He’s unmotivated. Men who want you make time. They don’t sigh at lingerie like it’s a chore. They don’t ignore a naked photo and say “oh Yeh I saw it” like they’re reacting to junk mail. You have lowered the bar so far that basic desire has become a dream, and he knows he doesn’t have to lift a finger because you’re doing all the work for both of you.

Stop blaming your body, your confidence, your timing, your lighting. He heard you clearly that lack of intimacy hurts you and he still did nothing. That is the behavior of someone who is comfortable benefiting from your emotional labor and doesn’t care enough to reciprocate sexually or romantically. You are training yourself to believe scraps should feel like a meal. You’re bargaining against your own needs because you would rather hate yourself quietly than risk being alone.

[Member]

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