[janeyre30]

about 4 years ago, before I met my current boyfriend, I met a guy and had a brief sexual relationship with him (Joe). I had just got out of a long term relationship I was rebounding and was feeling bad about myself at the time. He was somewhat of a playboy and I had no intentions of persuing a long term relationship with him. It was fun at the time. Anyway, a couple years later I was ready for a new long term relationship and the man that I met
(Jeff) is Joe’s brother. At first Jeff and I didn’t realize the connection but later we were honest with each other and it doesn’t seem to bother him that I had slept with Joe at one time. So, I was feeling very confident about the relationship and pursued it to the next level and now Jeff and I are living together. The problem is that over the 2 years of our relationship I feel like Joe has a problem with me. Now I know he’s not interested in me, like i said i likes having several women at a time and no commitment, I feel it’s more of a ‘i screwed her and now she’s with Jeff so now she’s just a dumb sl**’ kind of attitude. I know it’s harsh but that’s the vibe I get. He dismisses me as if my opinion is worthless and im just a dumb blonde who he took advantage of, which is not the case at all. I dont feel taken advantage of, I made a choice at the time, I knew what I wanted and it wasn’t a relationship with him. I just feel like he’s mocking me and having a good laugh at my expense about the whole thing. Jeff doesn’t seem to notice and tellls me Im paranoid, but he just doesn’t get it. It doesn’t bother Jeff that Joe and I slept together but when Joe tries to humiliate me or push buttons Jeff doesn’t defend me. Im not asking Jeff to choose Id just like a little respect considering what’s happend and that we may all be related at some point.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like this is basically a communication problem. You need to talk to your boyfriend in a way that he doesn’t feel that he is being put on the defense. And you need to talk about how humiliated and uncomfortable you feel when your boyfriend’s brother does specific things or says certain things. Don’t get angry — come on softly. Your boyfriend is not in an easy situation, and it’s important that you acknowledge that so the problem he needs to solve isn’t overwhelming. Basically, you need to find a way to get on the same page so that the two of you feel like a team, and not divided and conquered. Changing your tact is going to work.

Then, figure out together what would make you feel better in these uncomfortable circumstances. Believe me — if you can get him on the same page, he’s going to want to solve this problem because it will feel like the two of you are an insurmountable team. Also, men want to solve problems for their women — so don’t give him something that isn’t solvable. Come up with some graduated steps to a solution. For instance, if your boyfriend is willing to talk to his brother, and feels it’s a good idea, he could ask him to not say specific things or to tone down the attitude. If his brother is incorrigible, then spending less time with him might be a solution, or even leaving a room or a party if he starts to act up. Sometimes less is more and walking away makes more of an impact than throwing a punch. 😉

Don’t look for the world to change overnight, but do look for positive steps in the right direction.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[janeyre30]

Thanks April, I appreciate your honest opinion. I talked to him nicely and explain what exactly it is that make me uncomfortable about his brother. He pretty much replied with exactly what you said he would…he wants to be a team and work together. Amazing!! It all seems so simple now, thank you again.

Jane

[janeyre30]

…and by the way, the speedy reply was great! You’re awesome at what you do!

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you, Jane! I’m very glad I could help — and glad things are now going in the right direction for you!

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Thank you — and good luck!

[Member]

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