I (22F) have been in my first serious relationship for 9 months, and until recently, I truly thought we were soulmates. We’re each other’s first loves, and the connection feels deep, which is why everything that’s happened in the last few weeks has been so devastating.
It started with a few white lies I told to “protect his feelings” and snowballed from there. I told him I’d never had an orgasm (we talked about it honestly), but I also hid stuff I was ashamed of: I cut my wrist during a fight at home and didn’t tell him until he noticed the scars, I re-added an old male friend on Facebook to organise plans (then removed him so I wouldn’t “upset” my boyfriend), and I went out with friends even after saying I’d hang out with him because logistics made it impossible to get to his place. He also checked my browser history and freaked out over me visiting the profiles of his guy friends (I honestly don’t remember doing it that much).
When he confronts me, it’s not calm. He has a short temper and says cruel things — like calling me “fat” when I tried to be honest about whether there’s anything I’d change about him — and telling me that because I’ve hurt him, that makes me a bad person. I’ve apologized, explained my reasons, tried to be transparent, and asked how to rebuild trust, but he says “sorry” isn’t enough. I feel crushed, ashamed, and constantly defensive.
I still love him and I don’t believe he’s a bad person — but I’m also worried his anger and the way he talks to me crosses a line. I want to repair the relationship if it’s healthy and possible, but I also don’t want to stay in something where I’m being emotionally diminished.
Has anyone rebuilt trust after repeated white lies and secrecy? How do you earn back trust without being constantly interrogated? At what point does protectiveness become controlling or abusive? Should we try couples counseling, set concrete steps for rebuilding trust, or i
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