[lauren_heart22]

I (22F) have been in my first serious relationship for 9 months, and until recently, I truly thought we were soulmates. We’re each other’s first loves, and the connection feels deep, which is why everything that’s happened in the last few weeks has been so devastating.
It started with a few white lies I told to “protect his feelings” and snowballed from there. I told him I’d never had an orgasm (we talked about it honestly), but I also hid stuff I was ashamed of: I cut my wrist during a fight at home and didn’t tell him until he noticed the scars, I re-added an old male friend on Facebook to organise plans (then removed him so I wouldn’t “upset” my boyfriend), and I went out with friends even after saying I’d hang out with him because logistics made it impossible to get to his place. He also checked my browser history and freaked out over me visiting the profiles of his guy friends (I honestly don’t remember doing it that much).
When he confronts me, it’s not calm. He has a short temper and says cruel things — like calling me “fat” when I tried to be honest about whether there’s anything I’d change about him — and telling me that because I’ve hurt him, that makes me a bad person. I’ve apologized, explained my reasons, tried to be transparent, and asked how to rebuild trust, but he says “sorry” isn’t enough. I feel crushed, ashamed, and constantly defensive.
I still love him and I don’t believe he’s a bad person — but I’m also worried his anger and the way he talks to me crosses a line. I want to repair the relationship if it’s healthy and possible, but I also don’t want to stay in something where I’m being emotionally diminished.
Has anyone rebuilt trust after repeated white lies and secrecy? How do you earn back trust without being constantly interrogated? At what point does protectiveness become controlling or abusive? Should we try couples counseling, set concrete steps for rebuilding trust, or i

[Ethan Morales]

This situation is painful and it sounds like you’re carrying the weight of both guilt and emotional hurt. From what you described, yes, you made some mistakes by hiding things and telling small lies, but none of what you did justifies being called names or demeaned. There’s a clear difference between someone expressing hurt and someone punishing you emotionally for it. His reaction crosses that line.
The biggest issue here isn’t just the lies it’s how conflict is being handled. In a healthy relationship, partners should be able to address disappointment calmly, not with verbal attacks or cruelty. When someone uses shame (“you’re a bad person”) as a weapon instead of focusing on the behavior, it stops being about trust and starts being about control. That pattern can quietly grow into emotional abuse if it’s left unchecked.
If this relationship is to have any chance, both of you would need to commit to a reset that means you being fully honest going forward, and him learning to manage anger and communicate without tearing you down. Couples counseling could help, but only if he’s open to reflecting on how his reactions are damaging the bond. Without that, you’ll stay trapped in the same loop of guilt, apology, and punishment.
Ask yourself this: when you think about fixing things, does it feel like teamwork or like walking on eggshells? If it’s the latter, that’s not rebuilding that’s surviving. You deserve a relationship where accountability goes both ways, not one where love feels like atonement.

[Sally]

I’ve seen this before, and honestly, it’s hard to watch. You’re trying so hard to fix things that you’re forgetting how bad it feels to be talked to like that. Love isn’t supposed to make you question your worth every day. Yeah, you messed up, everyone lies sometimes, but being called names? That’s not okay. You can forgive yourself even if he doesn’t.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… that’s not love. yeah, you made mistakes like who hasn’t? but him calling you names, checking your browser, making you feel small? that’s not “hurt,” that’s control dressed as concern. love doesn’t make you scared to breathe wrong. you don’t fix trust by shrinking yourself, you fix it by both people taking accountability and he’s not. if “sorry” isn’t enough for him, then maybe leaving should be. don’t let guilt keep you where you’re being broken. you deserve softness, not surveillance. 💔💅

[Nina A]

You can’t heal in a place that keeps calling you broken.

Yes, you lied, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human, scared, and imperfect, like everyone else. What matters now isn’t your guilt, it’s what happens when truth finally comes to light. You’ve owned your mistakes, but he’s using your vulnerability as a weapon, and that’s not love. Anger can be understandable, but cruelty is a choice. When someone calls you names or uses your shame to control you, they’re not rebuilding trust, they’re eroding it further.

If he can’t separate disappointment from degradation, there’s no safe space to grow together. Counseling can help if he’s willing to work on his reactions, not just your flaws.

Love should make you accountable, not afraid. The right relationship doesn’t punish honesty; it protects it.

[Ask April Masini]

Why are you trying to rebuild something you didn’t break?

Nothing you did damaged his trust, because he never trusted you in the first place. Your boyfriend isn’t being “protective.” He’s an insecure little boy pretending to be a man.

And deep down, you knew it. That’s why you lied about never having an orgasm, not because you’re dishonest, but because you knew the truth would crush his fragile ego. Same reason you deleted that male friend. You were managing his emotions instead of your own.

Let’s call it what it is, control and emotional abuse, not love or protection.

You can’t fix a man’s insecurity. He has to do that himself.

Then he called you “fat” during an argument? Ditch him now!

[Author]

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