[Ava]

My boyfriend is a wonderful, caring man, but he completely shuts down when I try to discuss our future together – things like moving in, marriage, or starting a family. He admits that he experienced a very traumatic breakup in the past, where he was left heartbroken after years of planning a life with someone who then abruptly left him. He claims he can’t emotionally bring himself to plan for a distant future again because he’s terrified of that pain being repeated.

I understand his past trauma and want to be patient, but I also have my own timeline and desires for my life. His inability to even conceptualize a future with me makes me feel uncertain about our longevity and whether he truly sees a long-term commitment. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, waiting for him to heal, but I don’t know how long I can wait without feeling like I’m wasting my own time. How do I reassure him enough to overcome his fear, or is this an insurmountable obstacle?

[Ask April Masini]

It’s unfortunate that he feels the way he does, traumatic breakups can leave deep marks. But you don’t deserve to be punished for someone else’s past pain. You can reassure him, yes, but you can’t predict when he’ll be completely healed. A year? Two? Five? Ten? No one knows.

What I don’t understand is why you’re the one trying to move the relationship forward when he clearly hasn’t healed from the last one. Honestly, you should be the cautious one, not the one pushing for something serious. Because that unhealed trauma will keep bleeding into your relationship until it’s addressed.

Unless, of course, you enjoy being in a relationship where you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to tiptoe around his unresolved emotions and the ghost of his past.

[Heart Whisperer]

It sounds like your boyfriend is still living in the shadow of his past, and that fear is keeping him from fully stepping into a future with you. Healing from deep emotional wounds takes time, but it also takes willingness, and that willingness has to come from him, not just your patience. You can offer reassurance, create a safe emotional space, and show consistency, but you can’t do his healing for him.

It might help to shift the focus from the future to the present connection. Encourage small commitments that build trust such as shared routines, joint decisions, or short-term plans. These small steps can gradually rebuild his confidence in partnership.

At the same time, don’t silence your own needs. It’s okay to express that while you understand his pain, you also need clarity about where things are heading. Sometimes love means walking beside someone as they heal, and sometimes it means acknowledging that their healing path doesn’t align with your timeline, and that’s okay too.

[Ethan Morales]

This one hits hard because it’s the kind of situation where love and logic clash. You clearly care about him, and you’re trying to build something stable, but you’re stuck in a waiting room that doesn’t have an end date.

Here’s the truth: you can’t heal someone else’s trauma by being endlessly patient. Support helps, yes, but the real work has to come from him. If he’s refusing to talk about the future because of what someone else did, he’s still letting that past relationship control his present and by extension, your life too. That’s not fair to you.

You’re right to want clarity. You don’t need to pressure him into commitment, but you do have the right to know if this relationship is going anywhere. It’s not selfish to ask that. The kindest and hardest thing you can do is tell him, calmly: I care about you deeply, but I need to know if you see a future here. I understand your fear, but I can’t build a life with someone who’s afraid to imagine one with me.

If he’s willing to get help (therapy, open conversation, emotional work), then there’s hope. If he keeps using his trauma as a shield against progress, then you’re being held hostage by a story you didn’t write. Love can’t move forward when one person is stuck in the past.

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