[pmsqwn114]

Hi April,
IN your experience how often do you see marraige mending after a spouse has been caught cheating? Do you feel there is hope after something like this has happened?

[Ask April Masini]

There is hope. And many marriages survive cheating. It requires both people in the marriage to want to try and make things work, and both people seeing their parts in the breakdown of the marriage that created the environment where one person cheated. This is a lot easier said than done and requires lots of talking, patience, understanding and willingness to be brutally honest.

If you have any specific questions, I’m happy to answer them.

[pmsqwn114]

Thank you for answering my question.
Here is my situation:
I met my husband 11 yrs ago when I was recently divorced at 39 yrs old. We worked together and became friends and started dating. He is 20 yrs younger than me but age wasn’t a factor for him whatsoever and it wasn’t for me either at the time. I have always had self esteem issues with my body that stem from different things in the past but I’ve been told I’m very attractive, and fail to see myself as others do. I focus on being a loving & giving person and felt I made up for that in place of my hang up. I am by no means frigid when it comes to sex, in fact my libido has always been higher than his and so long as I could manipulate the situation to where he didn’t see me totally naked in the light I was very dominant and he’s always liked that. I am very negative about myself and because of the age factor as time went on, my insecurity of being older really weighted on me mentally. He’s a quiet guy and tried to compliment me but my comments were always negative and he grew tired of trying to compliment me anymore.
We finally got married last February 2015 after 10 yrs of being together and I think we mostly did it because it was the sentimental value for me more than him, he was fine with just living together. I found out in October that he was having an affair and my world fell apart. I think it would still have continued had I not have found her necklace in his car. He said she said all the right things and initiated the romance, I believe that because he’s not the dominant one when it comes to relationships. She is married with kids so realistically it was never going to work out but I gave him a choice and he ended it with her and we did go to 6 counceling sessions but didn’t go back because he felt we could work it out on our own. He said he got tired of my negative destructive attitude about myself and me always looking at prettier & younger girls and telling him he should be with someone like that instead. So when the opportunity was given to him he did. I do take blame for the verbal abuse all these yrs. but the ACT itself and how he handled it was totally his fault. He’s always been so loving & affectionate to me and all he’said ever wanted is to take care of me. We’very cried together several times throughout the first month after it happened and I have not said anything negative at all since then. The trust issue is the hardest hurdle right now for me. I was his first real relationship and his first sexual experience and I’m just as catering to him as he is to me, but I can’t understand why it happened still? Why he could be honest and more assertive enough to make me see how damaging it was for him, if truly that was the reason. I would have changed things in a heart beat if he just would have told me.
I always said I would never stay with anyone who cheated but I really love him and have been so happy, I thought he was too. What advise can you give me to try to help him open up without being pushy?

[Ask April Masini]

To overcome cheating, you have to get to the point where you’re not always blaming each other. This didn’t happen in a vacuum, and when you both point fingers, you put each other on opposite sides of a a problem instead of on the same side as each other, working towards a solution. This is more difficult to do that it is to talk about, it it’s important. As long as you’re pointing fingers at each other, you’re that much further away from getting over this.

It sounds like there were a couple of things going on here.

First, he was 19 and you were 39 when you first met up, and you were his first lover. I agree with you that age is not an issue here, but the difference in sexual experience could be. He may have felt that he wanted more sexual experiences when things began to flag in your own sex life. This may have entered into his decision to cheat. The way to hedge against this discrepancy in experience is to make sure that the sex life you share in the bedroom, as well as the intimacies you share outside of the bedroom, are so great that he doesn’t want to look elsewhere. Create a home that is wonderful to be in — for him and for you. 🙂

Please remember that he chose someone who was married, which probably means that he wasn’t looking for a new relationship as much as he was looking for relief from the marriage. If he really wanted out of the marriage, he would have walked out, filed for divorce, or simply chosen someone who was available for a long-term, committed relationship. That’s a reason to try and make this work. But you have to really work.

Most importantly, I think your self esteem issues became a large part of his decision to go outside the marriage. Men want to feel that their women are confident and love sex. Ironically, it affects their self esteem, and if someone makes him feel like he’s the kind of lover who causes her to lose abandon, it’s going to make him feel better about himself. That’s where your job to work on your own self esteem, is important. Your self esteem affects your husband’s. 😉 So if you’re overweight, go on a diet. If you’re out of shape, go to the gym. If you’ve let yourself go, get back on your A game. Replenish your lingerie drawer. Find ways to spark the marriage and your sex life. Men don’t cheat because someone is younger, prettier or richer. They cheat because of the way they feel with someone.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[pmsqwn114]

Thank you for the advise and I totally agree.
I have lost weight recently and 3 weeks ago got a breast reduction and I like the results but still healing. He has been very nurturing during this time and been a big help while I’m recovering. He works out and right now I’m having to take it slow so I can heal faster. I’ve been getting compliments from allot of people which has really helped my self esteem. I know he loves me and I didn’t give up and make it easy for him to walk out on this relationship because I wanted to fight for it and I have worked really hard to not be angry or bitter but it’s going to take a long time to build the trust again. I have asked all the questions about the affair and he has been honest with answering them to help me try to get passed it. Honestly I think I’ve become a better person because of the affair because it’s made me stronger but actually made me aware of my worth and learn how to love myself to be a woman that “any” man would want to be with and I’m allowing him to see that he’s got a good thing and needs to try to be more verbal with what he needs too so I can fulfill his needs in this relationship. How do you get a man to communicate better without thinking he’s going to be attacked or afraid he’s going to hurt my feelings?

[Ask April Masini]

You have a good attitude. 🙂

[quote]How do you get a man to communicate better without thinking he’s going to be attacked or afraid he’s going to hurt my feelings?[/quote]

First, you have to be a little more specific about what you mean by communicating better. We all communicate differently, so rather than blame him for not communicating better, drop the judgment and look at this as a relationship issue, not his problem. 😉 What, exactly, would you like to see change? And why?

Second, understand that with any kind of behavioral change that you’re trying to elicit, you will probably do better with a reward system, not a punishment system, so when something goes the way you want it to go, reward him without being patronizing. People change when they feel good about making a change, so try to imagine what you want and then what it would take for him to feel good about doing that.

Hope that helps!

[pmsqwn114]

Thank you, good advice.
I think we are both trying to get back on track. I am on my 4th week of recovery from my breast reduction. He has been so attentive and nurturing through it all and I’ve made sure to let him know along with commenting to family & friends whenever possible especially hearing distance for him. ; ) to let him know how I feel about the efforts he’s making. I still have my moments when I reflect on what happened and will ask him just briefly if he’s been in contact with “her” or not. I thank him for his hopefully honest answer and drop the issue. I feel I need more verbal assurance from him on how he feels about OUR relationship now and what he feels he would like to see in our relationship that would make him happy. He’s not the type to “think” for future plans or can say dwells on anything for long, he’s great at not feeling. It’s kind of funny but he’s almost like a sociopath without killing people. Lol! I guess what I’m saying is that nothing changed when the affair was going on, we still had sex, he would spend the day off with me except the 2nd day that he had off when I was working is mostly when I didn’t know what he did because I trusted him and nothing stood out. So how can I approach him without sounding insecure or like I’m backing him into the corner to answer questions since he doesn’t “think” like I do? Since we aren’t going to counceling anymore, I don’t feel it did anything for him, even though he said he would go again if I wanted to but he doesn’t ask anything, he just would answer questions which we can do but maybe with some suggestions on how to.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’re on the right track.

It’s normal to think back to the affair and what led up to it. That he still had sex and seemed to have a normal life with you, while conducting the affair, isn’t unusual. He chose someone with whom there was probably no future because he didn’t want to leave the marriage he had with you — he just wanted to feel differently about himself and the marriage wasn’t satisfying those needs. This isn’t about him disliking you as much as it is about him wanting to feel a particular way and getting that need met. So, when you’re interested in why he behaved “normally” with you while conducting the affair, it’s because the affair wasn’t an exit door to your marriage (as it can be in many cases). It was just a way for him to get relief from his feelings in the marriage.

As for your needing more reassurance from him in the marriage, your instincts to not appear needy, are good ones. Instead of asking him for compliments, when he does give you one, change YOUR reaction. [b]Show[/b] him how much his compliment means to you. This is what I was talking about when I mentioned positive reinforcement and changing your own behavior, rather than looking to him to change his first. 😉

It’s very normal for men and women to communicate differently from each other, and so instead of looking to him to learn your “language”, you should try and understand him, and try to be okay with it, and the differences between the two of you, rather than changing him. And instead of asking questions, and looking for answers, shift your focus to having new fun and new experiences with our husband to build on the marriage, rather than dissect. it. 😎

Hope that helps!

[pmsqwn114]

I definately want to be more out going and do things more when we can. I have found a new “me” through this experience and maybe forced me to change to better myself not just for our relationship but as a person that feels better in my own skin for once. I guess I will have to help him with being more verbal when I buy something new to wear or hair style, try new recipes so he can give input and see how productive it would be for me because I do want to know what he does/doesn’t like because I do enjoy giving and try to stay away from the heavy deep conversation that’s only going to overwhelm him.
He’s very boring and seldom comments on what we wants to do except when it comes to eating. He likes to play on the play station, or watch gamers on his phone and goes to the gym. It’s usually me he looks at to make plans for mostly everything. I guess I wish I could know what he needed fulfilling on that he wasn’t getting from our relationship? He’s quite boring actually I’m the one that’s always asking what can we do different, go places even when it came to sex! I am the dominant one and was the one who made the moves when we first got together and he’s always liked that but I wish he would make more of an effort to have sex so I can feel desired and wanted. I’ve tried asking during foreplay on my part to what he likes or would like to try, what feels better, etc. and it’s like pulling teeth! You would think I was the one who should have had the affair! GO FIGURE! He is a little on the vain side, especially now that he’s building muscle he looks really good and I make sure he knows it. It’s getting him to compliment back is the issue, I get compliments all the time especially now with the reduction and weight loss but he’s not very forth coming on that part which I feel he needs to work on. I do show him how much it means to me when he does but getting him to do that for me now especially with what’s happened, I feel like I’m getting punished not insured that he’s committed. Does this make sense?

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, I understand where you’re coming from and why you’re saying what you’re saying.

[pmsqwn114]

Hi April,
We’ll it’s been a couple of weeks now and I’m still healing from my breast reduction but almost healed. I say this because I’m kind of frustrated with my husband not really making many attempts for sex. We have but I’ve had to make the move and I try to be playful and make it a positive effort instead of accusing or getting upset. I’ve even given him a blow job without asking for anything in return to make him see that I want him to feel comfortable at this stage of my healing and he won’t hurt me, because he says he gets mental block because all he can think of is not “hurting me” because of the surgery. I have been reading allot on trying to understand men and books on helping with relationships. I have been doing my own thing and not being available so he can “chase” me instead of expecting me to be there and i don’t feel anything is working. He has been working allot of hours and he’s been tired and I’ve also had the flu on top of all of this so maybe there’s been a few obstacles but come on something has to give!! I think he’s seen me more now in the past few weeks in either my under wear or top less than the past ten years. I don’t know exactly what to think at this point as far as if he’s even interested in me anymore. I don’t know what to do, should I try to attempt to talk to him in a non confrontational way in the “I feel” phrases?
Or give it another week? I’ve have been supportive and I’m verbal as well but I don’t feel I get the support I need for me from him and he’s the one who fucked up!!

[pmsqwn114]

Hi April again,
I may have answered my own question. He did initiate on his own for sex finally. Once we settled into bed I told him that it really made me feel loved and wanted if when he got over the fear of hurting my boobs because of the surgery if he could show me that he still wanted intimacy with me because I felt like he was pushing me away. He did say he wanted me to heal properly and knew I wouldn’t say anything if it did hurt because I’m stubborn and that the last few weeks were hard for him to see me in pain and how rough the incisions looked, he couldn’t enjoy sex knowing he could set back my recovery. I thanked him for being honest and appreciated his patience and would really like hugs to feel better. Ok so maybe there’s something to all this understanding and talking to a man differently to stroke his ego. I do agree that US as women have sometimes a strong masculine side but feel society has made it that way and hard to get back to the simple stereo type roles sometimes because we are left very vulnerable when we put our hearts out there. I do love him and I hope to be able to trust him again but he will have to work towards that and it’s going to take work on his part.
I can’t help to think that I’m doing allot of the work to steer him there, what he’ll is up with that??!

[Ask April Masini]

Stop steering. 😉

[pmsqwn114]

Hi April
Having trouble cutting and reposting my new question so here it is again
My husband who is a mgr. works with several women and mentions all of them in conversation. He works with April who is pregnant and due in march. He thinks she’s a great worker and has no problem talking about his day with her or anybody else as far as I can tell. You know my history and I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt c that it’s an innocent jesters but I don’t feel comfortable. He’s mentioned twice that he has rubbed her lower back at work and I don’t feel comfortable with that. I’m trying to trust him and he’s opening up more so how do I approach this without sounding jealous or don’t trust him where he won’t share his day with me anymore. Am I being paranoid?

[Ask April Masini]

You’re not being paranoid, but the way to get him to put his attention back on you is to win him over. Telling him what not to do is probably going to drive him further away. Instead, you have to entice him back to you. There is ALWAYS going to be competition in life. And you can’t be a gatekeeper because that’s an exhausting job that will keep you from being a lover and a wife. Instead, put your energy into being alluring. 😎 You’ll have better results.

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