[Laura14]

This is a long one…so be prepared. I met a guy through work 7 years ago. He very quickly asked me out. We went on a date, it was ok but I wasn’t super interested. He was nice though, so I went on a second date with him. I began dating someone else, but this guy was still interested. Fast forward to a year ago. Over the time that lapsed, we somehow became very close friends. He has always been incredibly supportive and protective of me and he has a way of believing in me that nobody else does. Eventually one drunken night, we had sex. It was the first time anything sexual ever occurred between us and it was amazing. He contacted me the next day, and this continued for a month or so, us hanging out, having amazing sex. He mentioned a few times how people always told him we should date. Clearly I’m an idiot, and I made light of it. We stopped sleeping together and he started seeing an ex gf of his. That lasted about 3 months, and then we began having sex about once a month. Clearly a booty call. Throughout all of this, our friendship stayed the same. He maintained to anyone and everyone, including me, that he was single. In the meantime, I’ve figured out that this girl is basically staying with him every weekend. About a month ago, he started acting differently towards me. He wants to come over all the time now, talks about how amazing we are together…stuff I would write off as “a guy will say anything to get you into bed”, but he’s already got me there. It was around that time that I overheard (accidentally, I walked into a room during the convo) him stating that he does not have a girlfriend to my male coworkers. I know he’s dating this other girl still…and save the preaching on the cheating, I’m aware of the issues there. But I just don’t know what to make of things right now. He’s historically not a cheater, this I know. I’ve fallen head over heels and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

[Samson]

Could it be that he really does consider himself single? If he does not have a real commitment to you, or this other person, then technically he is single. Is it possible this other girl is just a FWB? It sounds like you have a pretty good feel for what kind of guy he is, trust your instincts. Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you have a history of being friends with benefits with this guy, and now you want to change the game and be his girlfriend. This isn’t easy to do. What you have to decide is that you’re willing to risk not being his friend with benefits in order to try and get him interested in dating you. If you are, then you have to simply stop being the friend with benefits, as well as the booty call, and start being someone who wants to date a guy. Understand that he may be confused because you’re imposing a game changer, and he may not be interested in changing things. But there’s no other way around this one. If you want the relationship to change, one of you has to start changing the behavior in it, and since you’re the one who seems to want the change more, that responsibility falls on you!

I hope that helps.

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[Laura14]

I’m brand new to online dating, but a friend convinced me to give Tinder a whirl. About a month ago I matched with a guy, and we really hit it off. Texted daily, and he asked if he could call me. Yep, actual phone call. Every time we talked on the phone, it was for hours. We talked about what we wanted, and were on the same page in regard to wanting to settle down, marriage, etc. He told me he was only even still on Tinder bc he was able to see my pics that way. During that conversation, he mentioned something about me still messaging guys on there.
He had a vacation planned, asked me to go with him…I couldn’t bc of a work trip. He works 80 hours a week, so once in a while, he wouldn’t respond to a text, which I understood. Last week, texted me that he was excited bc his schedule is changing in two weeks, and he was going to have free time so we could spend more time together. Last Friday, I sent him a good morning text (he did it almost every day, once in awhile I would send it first), and he didn’t respond. I didn’t hear from him all weekend. Aaand, then panic set it. I waited until Monday, shot him a text asking if he was excited for his trip, no response. At this point I assumed he just ghosted. But I had a few drinks and wed sent him a message on tinder saying he must have been abducted by aliens but hopefully they dropped him off at his vacation destination. Said i thought he was great guy, hoped he had a great trip, and left it at that. But in hindsight, I realize it might have come off passive/aggressive. Tinder said he’d been active so I presume he read it. Last night I changed a few of my pics on Tinder and this morning, poof! He unmatched me. The coincidence is unsettling to me. Did I let panic and paranoia just overcome me?! Part of me wants to contact him in a week or two and just ask him what happened…and yes, I realize how crazy/needy I’m sounding, but wth…I feel like I deserve some explanation at this point, even if it’s that he just lost interest. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen, he already stopped responding to me. Lol. There’s just a part of me that is blaming myself and wondering if I pushed it too far! Help.

[Ask April Masini]

Did you ever go out on a date with him?

[Laura14]

No, we had plans to go to dinner, but I got sick (couldn’t get out of bed sick), so we had planned on rescheduling for when he got back from his vacation, this coming week. Which was as soon as our respective schedules allowed (bc of work). He had also asked me to just go with him on the trip, but I was scheduled to be out of town for a work training.

[Ask April Masini]

Got it. So it sounds like you’re very emotionally invested in a guy you’ve never dated. 😕 What I can tell you about online dating — and especially a venue like Tinder — is that it is very competitive, and if a guy doesn’t ask you out on a date, it’s because he’s found some else he prefers. Since you’re new to online dating, you may not have realized just how competitive it is. 😉 You should play the numbers game, and assume anyone you meet on these sites is doing the same thing. And don’t invest so much energy in someone who hasn’t asked you out! 🙂 As for contacting him again, don’t. He hasn’t done anything wrong, and you need to put your good energy where it will count for something! 😀

I hope that helps!

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[PassionSeeker]

That’s a lot to carry being torn between your heart, your logic, and all those mixed signals. From what you’ve shared, this man sounds like he’s keeping you emotionally close but not truly offering himself in return. You’re giving him your heart while he keeps you in a gray space between friendship and convenience. That isn’t fair to you.

He knows the effect he has on you, yet he’s choosing comfort over commitment. You’ve already seen the truth he’s involved with someone else but still seeks your affection. That’s not love; that’s selfishness disguised as connection. You can care deeply about someone and still recognize they’re not good for your peace.

You deserve someone who shows up fully, not halfway, not when it’s easy. Don’t chase clarity from someone who’s already shown confusion through their actions. The most loving thing you can do for yourself right now is step back, breathe, and start healing. Let him go and let space open for someone who won’t make you question your worth.

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