[emaldo92]

I have a strange situation and I’m at a complete loss on what to do. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. He cheated on me before we were married and I left him. I agreed to forgive him and we decided to start our relationship fresh when we decided to get married. I just gave birth to our daughter a little over 2 months ago. I recently found his facebook page open so I clicked around. He had about 10 strippers as friends and I saw him messaging girls from 2010 and on. (Again we’ve been married since 2010). He was asking strippers when they worked. He told one girl that we were separated! (Which we DEFINITELY not) Telling them he wanted to go out with them to dinner, movies, etc. I confronted him about it and he said it was like a porn for him – that he never acted on anything and it was harmless. He also got very pissed that I “invaded his privacy”. After everything the conclusion was that I explained to him that this behavior was not ok, extremely disrespectful, and I would not tolerate it further.

Then…I found that it was worse than I thought.

His old phone and computer will FILLED with naked pictures of girls and videos of them doing xrated things to themselves. He claimed they were old from when him and I had agreed to try a threesome (before we were married). Yeah – bullshit. So – I dug further.

I found the old email we created (my name was on the email). He made the display name for it “Kristen” – that’s not my name. And that’s when I saw DOZENS of emails of him talking to girls on Craigslists. He would send them pictures of some random girl in lingerie or naked and they would send pictures back. As soon as I told him I saw it he deleted the account immediately. He said he wouldn’t do it anymore and we had this long long talk.

Sometime during this whole fiasco a girl contacted him on facebook. They flirted a lot. She sent him dirty pictures…and he sent one back of him without his shirt on. It was on old picture from like 5 years ago. He claimed he just did it for his friend who was trying to get with the girl. Yeah – it made no sense to me either.

Please help me, I have a daughter with this man and I love him with all my heart. Is there something mentally wrong with him? Am I just a complete idiot for believing he will stop? He swears on our daughter’s life he never physically cheated – but I did see where he told a girl he made out with a couple girls when he went downtown with his friend. He swears he doesn’t remember the convo and has no idea why he said it but it is untrue. He said he thinks its fun to mess with girls.

Just saying the whole thing makes me feel like a fool.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote] Is there something mentally wrong with him? [/quote]

I’m a relationship expert and author — I’m not a physician, and I can’t tell you whether or not he has a mental illness. If you really think he does, then you should encourage him to see a physician for a medical diagnosis. 😉

[quote]Am I just a complete idiot for believing he will stop?[/quote]

I wouldn’t say you’re an idiot, but I do think you’re clinging to a fantasy that isn’t based in reality. You have enough evidence to see who he really is — someone who hides a big part of his life from you. 😳 The real question is why he is doing this. Instead of demanding he stop, which clearly isn’t working, my suggestion is that you find out more about what’s going on with him and what’s missing in his relationship with you, that is causing him to look outside the marriage for sex, flirtation, and attention. If the problem is between the two of you, then you can look at your own behavior and see where you may be contributing to the relationship rift, and then make changes. 🙂 If, however, he’s someone who loves the thrill of secrecy, my guess is that this is not new and it’s part of who he has always been. You either didn’t realize this, or you did and tried to dismiss it from your own mind.

Since you do have a child together, see if you can work things through with. Giving him ultimatums isn’t going to work. He knows he’s hurting you by doing this, which why he’s keeping it secret. Instead, focus on what’s going on, or not going on, between the two of you which may be contributing to his betrayals. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[emaldo92]

How can I approach it though? I’ve tried asking him the reasoning behind it many times. He told me that there really was no reason he was just bored and it was like “looking at porn for him that’s all”. I asked him why he said things like that we were separated..and I also saw him tell a girl he had made out with two girls while we were married. His answer is always the same – he doesn’t remember why he would say it but it’s not true. He says because those particular conversations were from so long ago that he just doesn’t know why he said it.

Can it really just be a sexual porn thing? He swears up and down he’ll never do it again since he now knows that it is unacceptable and hurtful to me. I know every case is different, but from your experience do they ever actually stop? My fear is that he will only get better at hiding it. I told him – please, if there is something missing, if you want more excitement or to spice things up, please tell me and let’s do it. I feel like our relationship has dwindled to where I only get glimpses of passion sometimes. He even feels that he has to lie to me about going to strip clubs – which I asked him not to go to. Is there anyway to reroute his focus so that he can experience the “new & exciting” wants with me?

[emaldo92]

Also, I just wanted to add a little bit of background. Although I just recently found out about it – he’s been doing it for years. He has cheated many times through his previous relationships.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Let me see if I can help you.

What you’re telling me is that this guy has a history of cheating, and lying to you about strip clubs, and is not willing to take responsibility for his behavior. Your instinct, which you should trust, is that he’s not going to stop doing this, in spite of the dialogue you have going with him, and he will just get better at hiding it. In the meantime, you admit that the passion in your relationship has dwindled. So, that’s the profile of what’s going on in your relationship.

I appreciate your wanting to reroute his focus, but what will be less frustrating is to reroute yours. 😉 You’ve put the burden on him by asking him to tell you what he wants from you — but chances are that’s too much trouble for him. Strip clubs and women online are easy — literally. Changing the dynamic in the relationship you have with him is less so. But if you want to, YOU have to make changes in yourself and the way you relate to him, without burdening him. In other words, you have to seduce him and become more mysterious and captivating than you are. I understand you have a two month old child — which is challenging for a couple without issues, let alone one with them, but if you want the relationship dynamic to change, you’re going to have to do your part, and hope that he wants to do his. You’ve asked. You’ve explained. Now you have to change your own behavior, since he’s not changing his, so far.

The concern, however, is his history of cheating and lying. When someone has a chronic lifestyle, it’s very difficult to get them to change. Usually, they don’t unless they want to, and it doesn’t sound like he does. 😥 I think that for yourself, it’s good to feel like you’ve tried your best before letting go, but if you do, and he doesn’t change, you will be faced with that decision. 😳

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