[asdfghjkl]

I’ve been exclusive with a guy since September. It’s been mostly long distance. Sometimes he travels for work and we are able to see each other. I went to visit him for 2.5 weeks in November. I haven’t seen him in person since January. He claimed to love me, but didn’t think he could be in a relationship b/c he feels he is unable to put out enough energy let alone take care of himself. He broke up with his ex to go out on a date with me and eventually got her to move out of the house that they were sharing. He was able to replace her with different roommate so as not to have to be burdened twice the rent. Now, his roommate moved out and he is struggling financially again. Prior, he racked up $3k in debt, partially my fault, I think because he and his coworkers were always paying for my friends and me. We come from very different worlds. My parents are professors and are very comfortable financially. He had to eat expired canned food when he was young. His father also shot himself when he was 9 years old. As a result, he has severe PTSD and has been diagnosed with multiple mental disorders. Everything started out really well, but when he gets stressed out, he disappears. My emotions are called “drama” to him and he shuts down if I am struggling. He said he was “dating” other women just to see how they interact but says he “friend-zones” them right away and doesn’t want to sleep with anyone of them. I was kind of upset by this information and he said that he wouldn’t mind if I dated other people, too. However, he said he would feel very betrayed if I slept with anyone else but that if I found someone better, that was okay.

Things have been kind of bad lately. Last month, something stressed him out and he went from affectionate to completely unavailable, not answering texts or calls etc. This really hurt me and I had an audition to prepare for so I told him I wouldn’t contact him in a few weeks. I was really run down from trying to reach him and trying to give him what he wanted and not being able to get what I want let alone express it to him without him getting angry. I even read a book called “non-violent communication” in hopes of being able to communicate successfully.

So during those weeks, in efforts to regain some happiness in my life (I have no idea what I’m doing) and figure out how to have better relationships, I started trying new activities and going out on dates. Particularly with one guy who seemed pretty nice. Yesterday, he cooked for me and though I suspected he would try to sleep with me, I decided to just see what happened, confident that I could shut it down if he tried. I shut it down multiple times but he was just too horny and persistent and eventually I just snapped and let him have me. I’ve only been on 3 dates with this guy so I really didn’t want to.

Guy number 1 and I started talking again…though just texting in early April (for some reason, I still haven’t been able to reach him via phone and I know he is stressed out), but I decided to see keep interacting with guy number 2.

I feel so dishonest. I’m not sure whether to tell the guy I promised my body to without any commitment and hardly any communication. I love him and trust him even though I know he has problems. I know he doesn’t mean any harm, that he just is unable to deal with anything other than his own issues at the moment. I also feel dishonest with guy number 2. I really want to be able to have the chance to connect honestly. In my mind, it wasn’t an issue because I wasn’t going to sleep with him unless he proved to be a better guy so I never told him about guy number 1.

Any advice on what to do? I don’t want to hurt guy 1 and I love him. And I’m afraid I’ve already ruined any potential with guy number 2.

This sounds soooo trashy!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have a couple of questions that will help me advise you! 😉

How old are you? And the two men?

You wrote that you’ve been seeing the first guy for 8 months now, but it’s mostly long distance. In addition to the two and a half weeks you visited with him in November, how many times have you actually seen him face to face? And how far apart do you live?

And lastly, when did his ex-girlfriend move out of the house they shared?

Thanks!! I’ll look for your answers and respond further when I see them.

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[asdfghjkl]

Hi I am 27. He was in area town for 3 weeks. He went home in October and his ex moved out at the end of the month. Then we were together for a week in New York. Then in Minnesota. Then he was in Virginia for a few weeks (30 min from me).

[asdfghjkl]

I’m 27. He lives in Minnesota and I’m in Maryland, near Dc. He was here for 3 weeks and then went home in October. His ex moved out at the end of the month. Then we were together in New York for a week. 2 weeks later, I stayed with him in Minnesota for a few weeks. A month later, he was in Virginia for a few weeks (30 min away from me). I haven’t seen him since the end of January.

[asdfghjkl]

I’m 27. He lives in Minnesota and I’m in Maryland, near Dc. He was here for 3 weeks and then went home in October. His ex moved out at the end of the month. Then we were together in New York for a week. 2 weeks later, I stayed with him in Minnesota for a few weeks. A month later, he was in Virginia for a few weeks (30 min away from me). I haven’t seen him since the end of January. Guy 1 is 25 and Guy 2 is 28.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The most important thing here is to be honest — with yourself. You wrote that you were exclusive with a guy since September — [i]but he was not exclusive with you.[/i] He was living with a girlfriend at the time. 😕 Then he spelled out for you the fact that he “didn’t think he could be in a relationship”. And he’s been upfront with you that he’s dating other women. 😳 When a guy tells you he can’t be in a relationship, you should listen to him! 😉 And when he’s honest with you and says he’s dating other women at the same time as you, you should take that to heart. 🙂

Given [i]just[/i] that, I think you should move on and let go of this first guy who’s not compatible with you for so many reasons you’ve listed, as well as the fact that he’s not available to you. As for the second guy, I’m not sure why you wrote that you think you ruined any potential with him. ❓ It sounds like you’ve been on three dates with him, and you’re getting to know him. What is, you think you ruined? Because I don’t see that you have. 🙂

I hope that helps!

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