[anon345]

im a male from preston england i dont know if u do relationship advice for men but i thought id try as im at my wits end and need help

my girl freind was in a very abusive relationship befor she went out with me so abusive that she has taken her ex to court for beating her and rape. As she started opening up to me a few months into the relationship i found out that her previous relationship has as i expected left alot of
mental scars now this isnt a problem for me as i love her and want to do all i can to help her through it, but recently it seems no matter what i do right all it takes is one nite where i cant sleep over due to work or i accedentely sleep in (i have a mental condition that causes me to not have control over my sleep pattern) and she starts to cry and becomes very dipressed so ill apologise and then she says i shouldent and becomes evean more depressed and i love her so much it sadens and frustrates me and im at the point now where every time it happens i wish god would just kill me then and there, but i love her so much i dont know what to do

sorry for the bad grammer and spelling i have dyslexia

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At least half of my advice goes to men, so you’re not alone here!

But I’m very concerned that you say you want to kill yourself as a result of your feelings from fighting with your girlfriend. You may love her very much, but that doesn’t mean you have the tools to help her — she sounds like she’s been through quite a lot in her life. Loving people is easy. Being compatible is not.

She sounds like she has serious abandonment issues and probably a slew of other issues due to the history she has told you about. It sounds like there may be more you don’t know about just yet, as well.

Remember what relationships can be if you let them: supportive, loving, intimate, sexual, fun, romantic and future oriented. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you have here.

My advice is not to dive in here. She may not be the one for you if you both end up depressed to such extremes. If you can see her casually, then I’d advise proceeding, but I don’t think this is a healthy relationship as it stands now, and you both seem to need more space from each other than you have right now.

[tricia]

You must really love that girl so much to the point you want to kill yourself just because of her.
Please do understand your girl, she might be still suffering from her last relationship. She got traumatize and just afraid to happened that again. All you can do for now is to understand her and make her feel that you’re a way different from her ex-boyfriend

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Please let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

How much emotional weight this relationship is putting on both of you. The advice given is strong and honestly, necessary because when someone starts saying they wish they would die as a reaction to relationship stress, that’s a serious red flag. Not about weakness or lack of love, but about overload. Loving someone who has experienced extreme trauma does not automatically mean you are equipped to heal them, and love alone doesn’t make a relationship healthy. The concern raised about compatibility versus love is very important here.

Your girlfriend’s reactions make sense in the context of severe abuse and trauma especially abandonment triggers but that doesn’t mean it’s sustainable or fair for you to carry the emotional responsibility for her stability. You are already apologizing for things outside your control, feeling guilt for sleeping, working, or having a medical condition. That dynamic slowly erodes a person. A relationship should feel supportive and grounding most of the time, not like emotional triage where one partner is constantly trying to prevent the other from collapsing.

The advice not to “dive in” deeper is not a rejection of compassion. it’s a boundary for survival. She likely needs professional trauma support, not a partner who is sacrificing his own mental health to keep her afloat. Caring from a distance, slowing the intensity, or even stepping back does not mean you don’t love her. Sometimes the most loving choice is recognizing that two hurting people can unintentionally hurt each other more. A healthy relationship should add strength to your life, not make you wish you didn’t exist.

[Member]

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