[jayjonesarkansas]

Background:

My girlfriend and I are perfect with each other. We are truly soul mates if you believe in that. We will be together forever because we have so much love and are so good together. One of the reasons why we are so good is because we have all the same like, beliefs and thoughts.

One of the similarities we share is that we didn’t want to have a lot of partners throughout life. In fact we each only wanted to have one. We saw family and friends that slept around, ended up pregnant or with STDs etc. We both just believe that’s what’s right for us.

I was able to stay strong on this, but she ended up getting pressured into having sex twice, with a different guy (long before we met).

She’s always been very insecure, never had a lot of friends growing up, or had friends attend birthday parties etc. And the friends she did have were very slutty for lack of a better word. She always felt like she was looked down on and treated like a kid. Even though she had strong believes she ended up getting drunk and having sex on different occasions.

I always say I am good at understanding psychology and people, and I understand it had to be tough for her in today’s world. But I still struggle with that.

She will sometimes be in tears wishing we would have met and she never would have done those things. She just felt the pressure, got drunk and swayed by a guy that said all the right things to get into her pants. She really hates that this happens and hates this guy. He is also a reason why she slept with another guy, because he kept calling her a virgin still. But as much as she hated this guy and what happened she still kept a couple pictures and texts. I assume to feel loved. She only met him in person that one time and that was the only picture. But he texted her for years after that to stay in touch and try to get in her pants.

I know it’s got to be tough not having a lot of friends, feeling like a loser and being the only virgin in today’s world.

Question:

My question is can you help me understand her mindset? Even though she had strong beliefs, she still slept with that guy and then another. Was it all just from the pressure? What’s it like being a girl without many friends, where you feel the pressure?

And why would she still have texts and pictures a year and a half after we have been together?

Can you just help me understand her mindset, situation etc? And how to I move past it?

[flulminiupe]

It is remarkable, very useful idea

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]My question is can you help me understand her mindset? Even though she had strong beliefs, she still slept with that guy and then another. Was it all just from the pressure? What’s it like being a girl without many friends, where you feel the pressure?[/quote]

I’m not sure how old you both are, but I’m guessing she’s in her early 20s or late teens, and although she had strong beliefs, she was testing them out. Lots of people have ideas about life, but when they get out in the real world they find that their beliefs are different from how they really feel or how they tend to behave. That’s how we all become who we are, and that’s why we carry “baggage” that is a compilation of our experiences — the good, the bad and the ugly.

She may have slept with the two men because she felt pressured, but she also may have succumbed to her own feelings — emotional, social, sexual, physical, etc. Many women with low self esteem use sex to leverage social and emotional feelings and status, and without knowing her, I can wager a guess that that might have been part of her decision. Not having friends may have left her lonely, and she might have felt that having sex with a guy would bring him closer to her.

[quote]And why would she still have texts and pictures a year and a half after we have been together?[/quote]

She kept the texts and pictures because she had emotional attachments to the people in them and from them.

[quote]Can you just help me understand her mindset, situation etc? And how to I move past it?[/quote]

I’m not sure how long the two of you have been dating, or if you were dating during the time she slept with these men, meaning she cheated on you, but your job to get past this is to understand who she is, and if she is still the right person for you. Right now, she’s feeling pressured by you to be someone she no longer is, and if you can’t accept her (warts and all), then you need to be honest with yourself and move on. Or, you can decide to dislike what she did and to be hurt by it, but not to let it dictate the relationship and to try and understand by talking to her about this, why she did it, and how she wants to proceed in her life — if she still has the same values you do.

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