[arizonaisme]

April,
I have a problem in my relationship that I would like to discuss with you. I have been dating my girlfriend for six months. We used to live in sperate cities in the same state, but I have moved to the city that she lives in. So, before we would only see each other on the weekends because of the travel distance. Now that I am here in the same city with her I thought we would see each other more. I just moved here four days ago. The problem is her four children that live with her. Their ages are 35,21,19,16. Her oldest son trys to control my girlfriend in her personal life. I have been to her house a few times before and I never really felt welcomed by her children. It feels to me that they do not want me around.

Just the other day I was telling my girlfriend that I may stop by the next day and she told me no because she did not want her children to feel that I would be over all of the time. She said we would just talk on the phone. She has told me numerous times that her children do not control her or run her. But, I see things differently. I think they do control her and what she does concerning our relationship. Please help me! Can you give me any advice on what I should or could do to resolve this problem. To me this is a major problem in our relationship.

Sincerely,
Arizonaisme

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how a 35 year old child is controlling his or her mother. The mother is an adult who’s allowing her adult children to live with her — that should send up a flashing yellow light to you right away. Maybe you can fill us in a little on this situation.

What made you think you’d see each other more before you moved? Did you discuss this? Or was it something you just assumed?

Why did you move close to her? Was it specifically for her? Or was there some other reason?

It sounds like you’d like to see her more, and this is a new chapter in your relationship that’s gone from long distance to in town. Instead of acting on preconceived ideas, why not try and figure out what this part of your relationship is going to be like by starting fresh on the in town part. Invite her out on a date, instead of coming by, and take it from there. 😉

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[arizonaisme]

April,
We did discuss this before I moved here. She even said that we would see more of each other. The main reason that I moved to her town was to be closer to her. Yes, I would like to see more of her. Before we only saw each other on the weekends and this was usually every other weekend. I just did not stop by she invited me over. Her oldest son tries to get her to go through him as far as my relationship with her goes. For eample, he told her at one point that in order for me to ask her to marry me I had to talk with him and the other children first and get their apporoval. Its pretty much the same type of relationship when I lived in another city. We would talk on the phone every night during the week and then see each other on the weekends. She also has a problem with us having sex at her house as she does not want her children to find out that we might be having sex at her house. So, should I keep things the way they were before I moved here to be with her and just ask her out during the week and only see her on the weekends? After all of this I really do not feel comfortable spending time at her house. I love her more than anything in this world and I do not want to lose her. But, I cannot continue to compete with and fight for myself against her children. Please any help or suggestions from you I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

Arizonaisme[quote=”April Masini”]I’m not sure how a 35 year old child is controlling his or her mother. The mother is an adult who’s allowing her adult children to live with her — that should send up a flashing yellow light to you right away. Maybe you can fill us in a little on this situation.

What made you think you’d see each other more before you moved? Did you discuss this? Or was it something you just assumed?

Why did you move close to her? Was it specifically for her? Or was there some other reason?

It sounds like you’d like to see her more, and this is a new chapter in your relationship that’s gone from long distance to in town. Instead of acting on preconceived ideas, why not try and figure out what this part of your relationship is going to be like by starting fresh on the in town part. Invite her out on a date, instead of coming by, and take it from there. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b][/quote]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating a single parent is different from dating a single person without children — but when a parent allows a 35 year old to live in her home, and there’s not a specific reason, (like he’s recovering from surgery or a divorce) you should beware of that relationship. 😕 Why doesn’t her 35 year old son live on his own? Why doesn’t the 21 year old live on his or her own?

Children can be just as much of a deal breaker as an ex or a mother-in-law who intrudes. You’re learning about her relationship with her kids now that you’re in town, in a way you couldn’t learn about them when you were commuting to date her. You’re right that you can’t continue to compete with her children. She has to want to have a man in her life who will come first and foremost ahead of her children who have reached majority. And if you’re learning she doesn’t want that, then the two of you may just not be compatible.

That said, if she doesn’t want to have sex in her house because she’s protecting the children from the uncertainty of a four month relationship with you, that’s not unreasonable. It just sounds like this wasn’t discussed ahead of time, and now you’re stumped and upset about it. And, it’s also not unreasonable for her not to want “drive by” visits that are unannounced. I know that the two of you love each other, but four months is not a long to have dated, and many people don’t introduce their children to a date until they’re ready to get married.

If you’re willing to see her outside of her house, then consider that as a compromise you’re willing (or not) to make. But if you think that the children are going to be in the house forever, then this may not be a situation you want to get into.

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[arizonaisme]

April,
I believe that my girlfriend’s 35 year old son is still living at home is so that he can help her pay rent. Three of the four children work and help her pay rent and for food in the house. The thing that I do not understand is that my girlfriend has a 40 hour a week job which I believe she makes good money doing despite what she says. Now she has just started her masters degree program online and now that I have just moved here our time together is going to be like it was when I lived in a another city. She told me yesterday that we will talkj on the phone during the week and see each other on the weekends. This is the way it was before I moved here.

What should I do? Should I accept all of this? See what happens for awhile or should I let her go. Just give her space and leave her alone. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Arizonaisme[quote=”arizonaisme”]April,
I have a problem in my relationship that I would like to discuss with you. I have been dating my girlfriend for six months. We used to live in sperate cities in the same state, but I have moved to the city that she lives in. So, before we would only see each other on the weekends because of the travel distance. Now that I am here in the same city with her I thought we would see each other more. I just moved here four days ago. The problem is her four children that live with her. Their ages are 35,21,19,16. Her oldest son trys to control my girlfriend in her personal life. I have been to her house a few times before and I never really felt welcomed by her children. It feels to me that they do not want me around.

Just the other day I was telling my girlfriend that I may stop by the next day and she told me no because she did not want her children to feel that I would be over all of the time. She said we would just talk on the phone. She has told me numerous times that her children do not control her or run her. But, I see things differently. I think they do control her and what she does concerning our relationship. Please help me! Can you give me any advice on what I should or could do to resolve this problem. To me this is a major problem in our relationship.

Sincerely,
Arizonaisme[/quote]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So your girlfriend doesn’t make enough money to support herself, and she has her adult children living with her in order to help her support herself. If you continue to date her, you need to understand that this is who she is, as well as a woman who’s only willing to see you on the weekends.

I guess the question for you is to find out what a future with her will be like. That’s where the dating process is important. Is she someone who wants to re-marry? If she re-marries, will she continue to have her children in your home, or will she ask them to move out?

You need to get to know her and find out if she’s someone who is compatible with you and what you want — not just now, but for the future, too. 😉

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[arizonaisme]

April,
Yes, my girlfriend wants to get married to me in the future. As a matter of fact we discussed this very topic yesterday. She feels that her oldest son, the 35 year old, is becoming nervous because her I are getting a lot closer. He is afraid that she will kick him out of the house if we get married. She told me that we could get a house big enough for everyone. I did not know what to say in response. Things seem to have gotten a lot better after we spent quite a bit of time together this past weekend.

I personally do not want her children living with us. With the exception of her 16 and 19 year old. I am in love with her and I do not want to push her away or lose her. She is a wonderful woman! What would your honest advice be for me in this situation? I want us to have a happy and productive relationship. I do not want to get into another marriage and be unhappy and unfullfilled again. What can I do to make this relationship work?

Arizonaisme

[quote=”April Masini”]So your girlfriend doesn’t make enough money to support herself, and she has her adult children living with her in order to help her support herself. If you continue to date her, you need to understand that this is who she is, as well as a woman who’s only willing to see you on the weekends.

I guess the question for you is to find out what a future with her will be like. That’s where the dating process is important. Is she someone who wants to re-marry? If she re-marries, will she continue to have her children in your home, or will she ask them to move out?

You need to get to know her and find out if she’s someone who is compatible with you and what you want — not just now, but for the future, too. 😉

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s great that you’re being honest here with me — but you have to be as honest with her. It’s entirely fair — and frankly, healthy — for you not to want her 35 year old or 21 year old to live with the two of you. You have to tell her that this is a deal breaker for you. I know you’re afraid she may choose her children over you, but before you invest any more time in this relationship, be honest with her about what you’re looking for. 😉

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