[Dolo]

Hi,
I’ve been dating a lovely guy who I met online for 3 months now and wow! We totally connected, he swept me off my feet, pledged undying love, wants to marry me, move in’ tells me how happy he is, how beautiful I am….it’s been fantastic… He did all the suggesting and the first I love you’s…but I did reciprocate as I felt that way too.

I met his friends and his parents last Sunday, I know it went well and apparently they said nice things about me. He started a new job last Monday which takes him away and he is working long hours, but during the week, something changed…..his texts cooled off in their tone, their frequency and I was demoted to only one ‘x’….
On Wednesday he texted and said he didn’t know when he’d see me as he had had a (genuine) meeting that night, I was busy Thursday and then he had his son from Fri to Weds…..he did phone Thursday for a chat but I couldn’t talk for long as I was out.

On Friday I got a text asking if we were ‘losing momentum’ – I replied not as far as I was concerned but if he felt differently he should say so….no response.
That evening I texted …he replied he was just showering and was going to get his son….so I asked if he had him all weekend….a little later he asked if I was in and said he was now collecting his son on Saturday and could he see me…..Yes!
I went to his house, he hugged and kissed me, told me he’d missed me, that he loved me and that I was beautiful – he said the momentum text was because he thought I was cooling…we discussed and all seemed great. He spoilt me, made me dinner and made amazing, passionate love to me at10pm, 2am and 8am…. 😀 .

I left on Saturday morning and then the texts have been weird again since…..I’m no longer getting my ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’ and the tone is just friendly not flirty as usual….I’m totally confused and saddened. I don’t know when I’m seeing him next and I’m away all weekend 😥

We’ve not exchanged texts since 6pm last night…..I after no sleep last night, I’ve decided I’m NOT contacting him today until he contacts me….and even then I will give it an hour or two (….well I’ll try to!…)

April, Am I right to to pull back myself and try to put some distance between us? I wasn’t sure what was the best thing to do.
I love him and I’d like to keep him, I don’t want to chase him away – but equally I want him to know I’m here and I love him….

Oh and it was my birthday last Friday – great, he took me out for dinner – and had beforehand promised to get me a gift of something he know I need but which I need to try on for size…..never been mentioned again!

I’m going crazy and I hate feeling like this…

Thanks for your advice….sorry for rambling!
X

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What happened here is that you both jumped the gun and moved too quickly. Now, you’re both readjusting. Since you’ve only been dating for three months, it’s too soon to tell if he’s simply not interested in a future with you, or there’s a natural adjustment period that doesn’t mean things are over, but that they moved too quickly at first. I don’t know how old you both are (tell me if you write again), but for all you know, he’s having issues that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his son, his co-parenting with an ex, his job, his health — the point is, you don’t know. So don’t jump to conclusions. 😉

That said, in general, the dating timeline I suggest is to decide after the first three months of dating someone if you want to continue dating them. After six months, decide if you want to be monogamous. This many seem like a super slow timeline, but the reason it isn’t, in the big picture, is because a relationship — especially one that includes a child, like his — is serious business and a commitment is a big deal. If you get to know each other well, before assuming anything, you’ll make better decisions for the long run.

My advice is to go back to that timeline. It doesn’t sound like he’s breaking up with you, but it does sound like you’re feeling hurt and retaliatory in your plans for changing behavior. This may create a self-fulfilling prophecy that you didn’t intend. Instead, hang back and see what you can learn about him instead of jumping to conclusions or acting out because you’re hurt or scared. You should both still be playing the field until you’re sure there’s a commitment going on — and especially since you’re not sure that there’s not. I know this is going to be hard to do because you’ve already said the L word, prematurely, and you’ve pinned hopes to this new relationship. But it’s in your best interests, as well as the interests of a healthy, romantic relationship, to get to know each other more deeply before deciding what to do differently, next.

I hope that helps.

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[Dolo]

Hi, thank you April, I fully understand what you have advised and yes it feels right to do that and to slow down…

All along it has been he who has ‘led’ and he who has made these proclamations….(although I did go along with it)and that’s why it feels so hurtful that he is maybe pulling back.

I am going to not let this worry me after reading your advice, but I think I will give him a little space. I think I need to feel a bit more in control.

We are both in our 40s, both previously married but only him with a child.

Thanks again!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Remember that when someone is impetuous and rushes things, and you don’t know him that well, there is a chance he is doing the same in other areas of his life, and this is just his pattern — with everything, not just you. It’s wonderful to hear all those L words, and feel like something is working out for the best, but since you’re both in your 40s, with a divorce, each, it’s good to balance optimism with caution. From what you’ve written, I’m not convinced that this is over, but like the stock market correcting itself after a surge in one direction, it seems that your relationship is making an adjustment to compensate for a premature rush forward. Play it out. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[Dolo]

Thanks again April….you’ve made me feel much more positive and strengthened!

Also realised my typo…. The subject should read ‘cooling’ rather than ‘cooking’ 😆 can it be amended please

X

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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