[archanix]

My Fiance has 500+ friends on Facebook and she does not want me to be one of her Facebook friends. She is careful what to post on Facebook about us. Her profile photo is even one of us from a month ago with me chopped of the photo (just shows her). She says she wants Facebook to just be about her and her kids and not her relationship. She says she doesn’t want everyone to see me because if the relationship doesn’t work out she would feel stupid. I still feel like she is not fully embracing our relationship by hiding me from so many people. She does tell many people about me; her mom, sisters, brother, and friends in her area. But many of her friends in Brazil, and I don’t know who else, are kept in the dark about me. She really wants to get married in the next couple months so that she can go to Brazil in December to see her mom for her Mom’s birthday she says. How should I feel about me being kept a secret and not part of her Facebook life? How should I approach this? I already talked about it one and she gave the reply above. I can’t help but feel that this is not right. I feel like there is more to it than I know. Maybe a boyfriend in Brazil, maybe she doesn’t want the comments that some people may make about us, I don’t know what it is. She is even afraid to announce to everyone on Facebook that she is engaged to be married.

[Ask April Masini]

She’s using you to get a green card and gain citizenship. 😕 That’s why she doesn’t want anyone on social media to know about you and the relationship she has with you. It’s why she doesn’t tell her friends in Brazil about you. And it’s why she’s rushing the wedding — not because she wants to marry you, but because she wants the benefit the legal status she’d gain by marrying you, that she needs to travel. 🙁 I don’t think she’s doing this for love — she’s doing it to help cure her legal problems. 🙁

Slow down, my friend. You haven’t been divorced a year yet. You need time to heal and figure out why the divorce happened so you don’t repeat mistakes that might lead to another divorce. Don’t rush to replace your ex-wife without getting to someone new [i]really[/i] well! Take a year or more before you get engaged. You’re rushing, and you’re not making a good decision in marrying this woman. She’s got a lot of challenges that she’s bringing to the relationship that you really need to think through and I don’t think you have. For instance… the two fathers of her two children will play a part in your life, as will your two out of state children and their mother. Blended families are complicated, normally — and you’re bringing her legal and long distance problems into a possible marriage, as well as her two kids and your out of state kids who are going through their own reactions to the divorce between you and their mom which is less than a year old. 😕

Tell your girlfriend that you want to date her for a year before getting engaged and married. If she loves you and is committed to the relationship, she’ll be okay with it. And make sure that while you’re still dating, you go to her country with her and meet her family and friends so you don’t have to worry about her harboring a secret boyfriend. As for her legal issues, suggest she work those out first, before considering marriage. I hope that helps!

[Ethan Morales]

Alright straight talk, no fluff. First: don’t leap to the worst explanation (green card scam) based on Facebook behavior alone. It’s possible but it’s also a huge accusation that needs evidence, not suspicion. Jumping there will only make you paranoid and rash.

That said, what she’s doing is a real problem. Hiding you online, chopping you out of photos, and rushing a wedding while refusing to include you in her social life are all signals. They don’t prove malicious intent, but they do mean you don’t have the social presence she claims you want and you have a very reasonable right to feel unsettled.

Here’s what actually matters and what to do next: Red flags to take seriously Persistent secrecy about you to entire friend groups (not “a few people”) without a clear, reasonable explanation. Reluctance to introduce you to friends/family in her home country. Pressure to marry quickly tied to a travel deadline or an immigration-related timing window. Any two of those together = reason to pause and dig for clarity. Plausible explanations (don’t assume one)

Privacy preference: she values keeping her social feed for her kids/family and fears online drama. Past humiliation or shame if a relationship failed before (she may protect herself). Cultural differences about public/private boundaries.Practical/legal motive (immigration) possible, but not the default. What you should ask calmly and directly. Don’t accuse. Be direct and factual. Example: “I noticed you don’t add me on Facebook and you cropped me out of the photo. That makes me feel hidden. Can you tell me why you prefer to keep our relationship off social media? I want to understand.”

Follow-up: “You’ve said you want to marry soon. Are there practical reasons for the timing I should know about? If there’s anything I need to know (like legal issues), tell me now so we can decide together.” What to demand (boundaries you can set)A sincere explanation, not deflection. Meet some of her local friends/family (even if brief) before you marry. A postponement of the wedding if you still feel uncertain insist on at least a few months engagement and meeting her circle in Brazil.
If you suspect immigration motives and it matters to you, tell her you’ll postpone until you both have clarity and are comfortable. If she refuses to explain or gets defensive Don’t placate. That’s a red flag. Pause the wedding plans. Engaging in marriage while feeling kept secret is a fast track to long-term resentment. Consider asking for the marriage to occur after a trip to Brazil where you meet her people if she refuses that, ask yourself why.

Practical caution If things smell like an immigration marriage (timing, secrecy, urgent travel), get neutral legal advice not to “catch” her, but to understand implications for both of you. Don’t sign anything or make irreversible moves until you meet her social circle and resolve the secrecy issue.

Short script you can use right now I love you and I want to marry you but I need to feel like your partner, not your secret. I need to meet the people who matter to you and be acknowledged publicly. If we’re rushing because of a practical issue, tell me plainly. If you can’t do that, I can’t go through with the wedding right now.”

You deserve a partner who’s proud to be with you. Being hidden is not romantic it’s a practical problem that becomes emotional wreckage later. Give her a chance to explain. If she can’t or won’t, don’t trade your future for secrecy.

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