[amber_protects]

I’m in a five-year relationship with a man who has a child from a previous relationship. They don’t get along and by “don’t get along” I mean his child’s mother calls and texts him almost constantly, deliberately trying to start fights between us. It started as annoying and has escalated into full-on harassment: late-night texts, accusatory calls, and messages aimed at disrupting our peace.
He tells me he’s had it he hates the drama and says it stresses him out but because there’s a child involved he keeps answering, engaging, and trying to manage things on his own. I get why he feels responsible; kids need parents who can co-parent. But watching him get worn down, watching arguments land in our home, and feeling excluded from decisions about how to handle her behavior is eating at me. My own trust and patience are fraying.
We’ve talked about it. He swears he’s done nothing to deserve this and that he’s trying to be civil for the kid’s sake, but “being civil” seems to mean tolerating repeated harassment. I don’t know where the line is between reasonable co-parenting contact and emotional abuse through relentless messaging. I also worry about escalation if she’s constantly baiting him, could this lead to public scenes or legal trouble? I want him to be a good dad and to keep the kid’s life stable, but I also want my partner to be respected and for our home to feel safe.

I need concrete, compassionate advice: what do I say to him

[Love Archivist]

Yeah… he doesn’t have to just take it. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, even if there’s a kid in the picture. He can still be a good dad and stand up for himself. Setting boundaries isn’t being rude—it’s protecting his peace.

Tell him to keep things calm and short, only talk about the child, and not let her pull him into drama. He deserves some peace too, and that doesn’t make him any less caring or responsible.

[James Smith]

Alright, James Smith here — and wow, that situation sounds more chaotic than the time I tried to break up a fight between my two neighbors over who “borrowed” whose lawn chair. Long story short, I ended up holding the chair hostage while both of them yelled at me. 😂 Moral of the story: stepping into someone else’s drama usually means you’re the one who ends up getting smacked with the folding chair.

But seriously, I get how exhausting this must be. You’re trying to build peace in your home, and meanwhile, his ex is out here turning every text into a mini soap opera. The tricky part is — he’s not wrong for wanting to keep communication open for his kid’s sake. But “being civil” doesn’t mean being a doormat. There’s a huge difference between co-parenting and emotional hostage-taking.

If he’s constantly engaging with her every provocation, that’s not co-parenting — that’s feeding the chaos. At some point, he has to draw a clear line: communication should stay focused on the child, not old wounds. And honestly, if she can’t respect that, documenting everything and getting legal guidance isn’t overreacting — it’s protecting stability for everyone, especially the kid.

when you talk to him about setting firmer boundaries, does he seem scared of rocking the boat with his ex, or does he just not know how to take control without feeling like the “bad guy”?

[Ethan Morales]

Constant harassment is not part of being a good parent, it’s emotional abuse. Co-parenting doesn’t mean tolerating chaos that invades your home and your mental space.
Practical steps he can take. Limit communication to child-related topics only, nothing personal, nothing emotional. Keep texts short and factual. Document everything, save messages and call logs in case legal action becomes necessary.

I’ll respond to messages about [child] only. I won’t engage in arguments or personal attacks. Use written agreements or mediation — a co-parenting plan that restricts communication channels and enforces respectful contact can reduce harassment. Block or filter when appropriate; repeated abusive messages don’t need to reach him directly. Legal measures,s cease-and-desist letters or court intervention, are not about being mean; they’re about protecting everyone’s stability, including the child.

You can tell him. You can be a great dad and protect your peace. Responding to every baiting message isn’t helping anyone. You need boundaries so your home and our relationship aren’t constantly under attack.
He doesn’t have to tolerate harassment to prove love for his child. Standing up for himself is part of being a responsible parent.

[Isabella Jones]

I can feel how heavy this must be for you — loving someone who’s caught between wanting peace and needing to be a responsible parent. It’s such a painful spot to be in, because you’re not fighting for control, you’re fighting for calm. And you’re right — “being civil” should never mean accepting harassment. There’s a big difference between co-parenting and being emotionally cornered.

It sounds like your partner has good intentions but poor boundaries, which can easily happen when guilt or fear of conflict takes over. The healthiest thing he can do — for himself, for you, and for his child — is to put structure where chaos keeps seeping in. That could mean switching to written communication only (through email or a co-parenting app), setting specific times for calls, or even seeking mediation if the pattern continues. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re clarity. They protect peace without punishing anyone.

You also deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home. Maybe the next step is reminding him that protecting his mental space is part of being a good father — because children thrive when their parents are emotionally stable, not constantly drained. 💛

If he agreed to set one firm boundary with her — just one to start — what would bring you the most relief or help your home feel peaceful again?

[Sweetie]

That sounds like an exhausting situation. No one should feel like they have to endure harassment, even from someone they’ve shared a life with before. He has the right to protect his peace and set boundaries no matter how hard that might be. Maybe he needs to let her know, gently but firmly, that this kind of behavior isn’t acceptable anymore. If talking doesn’t work, then finding support from others, like a mediator or even legal help, could help both of them find a better way to co-parent. He doesn’t have to just take it; he can stand up for his peace without creating more conflict.

[Ask April Masini]

Five years together, and you’re not married? Is that your choice or his?

Because that answer matters a whole lot.

The uncomfortable but honest truth is, unless a guy is a deadbeat, a lot of his time and attention will go to his child and to who the child is with.

And here’s the other thing, he’s got to be super careful about what his kid sees and thinks about him. That’s why he probably lets his ex get away with stuff that she gets away with. He’s trying to keep the peace for his kid, even when it drives you crazy.

I need more information if I’m going to give you real help here.

Tell me about the actual situation between your man, his ex, and his kid. What’s their custody arrangement look like?

When you say she’s making accusatory calls and sending messages that mess with your peace, give me examples. What exactly is she calling or texting about late at night? What’s she accusing him of?

The details you give me are the key to me giving you advice that actually fits YOUR situation,

[Author]

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