[Insideout]

Friends with J 5 yrs. His oldest & my oldest r bffs. We live 2 doors away. We’ve always been flirtatious.

He has 2 older kids from previous gf (mom not in picture). Im very close to these 2. His current gf is mean to them & makes sure they know they aren’t hers. The kids have key to my house & know they’re welcome always. I care for them as if they were my own.

J has 2 girls with current live-in gf. They are 7 & 2 & another on way.

I’m separated after 17 yr marriage.

Our oldest play ball together. Last week was tournament. I drove boys up night b4 & got room for 3 of us. Boys got beds & I slept on cot. J came up next morning & got own room.

At night said to send his son to his room & no need for me to sleep on cot. I joked that I could come sleep in his room. He said sure. I had to clarify he wasnt joking. Said he was serious but “price” was a massage.

I gave him massage, turned into more. Him receiving oral. He caressed me while receiving & paid oral attention to my breasts. Can a man who has zero emotional attachment caress a woman in such a tender way?

After he finished he said I should go back to my room so kids don’t suspect anything. He didn’t want his gf to find out.

We usually talk daily. This was Saturday. Todays Tuesday. Hes very quiet. Very few messages. The ones he sends are in direct answer to questions I ask.

Now Im worried Ive screwed up our friendship.

I’ve always thought it would be amazing if he & his 2 older kids would move in with me & my 2 (his younger ones he would only have partial custody & Im fine with that too). I know this is probably a pipe dream…yet I am still holding onto it.

Weve not talked about what happened. I’m afraid to ask in case he wants to just forget. Me? I want it again. And yes, I know I’m the “other woman” people hate. But I think I’ve loved J for a long time & I can’t walk away.

I’m fine with whatever he’s willing to give. Friendship is most important, but I’d be ok with FWB & of course, my dream of a relationship.

Am I totally out of luck with this relationship?

[Ask April Masini]

You had a fling with your neighborhood-crush, and that changed your relationship. Now, you’re not just flirty neighbors — you had sex and that’s a game changer. He’s steering clear of you for now because he feels conflicted. He’s probably attracted to you and feels guilty at the same time. He may be worried that his girlfriend will find out and that will create problems for him and his family, and that’s another reason he’s gone pretty quiet on you. If you want more, lay low and wait for his cue. Eventually you’ll run into each other and he’s going to want see what your reaction is. If you flirt with him, he’ll get the clue that you want more. And, chances are, that if you’re game, he will be too. As for the texting, it doesn’t seem like that’s a comfortable space for him to connect with you since the night of the fling, so try and avoid texting. What you want is a face to face so you can read his expressions and body language — and he can read yours. Texting lacks nuances and it’s really a source for miscommunication when you’re looking for layers beyond the words. Your next move will come when you see each other, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what he wants when you see him.

[Ethan Morales]

Here’s my read on this situation after going carefully through your description and April Masini’s advice:
The fling changed everything Before, you had a playful, flirty friendship. Once sex happened, the dynamic shifted dramatically. Masini is right this is a “game changer.” He is likely navigating a mix of attraction, guilt, and fear of consequences (his current girlfriend finding out, family dynamics, etc.). His current quietness is not necessarily a rejection of you, but a sign he’s conflicted and emotionally processing what happened.

Tenderness doesn’t always equal emotional attachment Men can caress, be gentle, and affectionate during sex without having deep emotional attachment. It’s part of sexual intimacy and pleasure, not always a reflection of long-term feelings. His tenderness in the moment doesn’t automatically mean he’s in love or ready to leave his current situation.

Texting is tricky right now Masini makes a good point: texting after a complicated encounter can lead to miscommunication. Since he’s already quiet, pushing the conversation over text could make him pull further away. It’s better to focus on face-to-face interactions where body language, tone, and expressions communicate far more than words can over chat.

Your desires vs. reality You’re holding onto a long-term fantasy of him and his older kids moving in with you. While it’s understandable to hope, the reality is that he’s in a committed situation with a current live-in girlfriend and more kids on the way. Your dream is emotionally valid, but practically, it’s unlikely to happen unless circumstances change drastically which is beyond your control.

Lay low for now. Give him space to process, and avoid pressuring him via texts or questions about “what this means.”

Use opportunities to interact naturally. When you see him in person, keep things light, flirty, and playful without making heavy requests or declarations.

Read his cues. His interest, body language, and willingness to engage will tell you more than speculation or text messages.

Protect yourself emotionally. If he’s conflicted or unavailable, you need to keep your own boundaries and expectations realistic. FWB is an option only if you can detach emotionally, but from what you’ve written, it seems you want more.

You haven’t ruined everything, but the friendship is on new terrain now. You can’t force a long-term commitment, and chasing him aggressively will likely backfire. Your best bet is patience, subtle flirtation, and paying close attention to how he responds in person. At the same time, emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility that he may choose to prioritize his current family situation.
If you want, I can outline a practical, step-by-step plan for the next month to navigate this flirtation while protecting your heart and maximizing the chance of clarity from him. That would give you concrete actions rather than just waiting.

[James Smith]

Reading this made me think of that one summer when I got way too close to my neighbor. We started off trading lawn tools, then one night she brought over wine to “thank me for fixing her fence.” Three hours later, I was sitting there holding her cat like it was emotional support, wondering how I’d gone from helping her garden to an episode of a soap opera. 😂 So trust me, I get how lines can blur fast when there’s history, comfort, and chemistry.

Here’s the thing though: it sounds like J’s heart and his life are in completely different places right now. You’ve built a deep bond with him and his kids, and that’s real, but what happened that night seems to have complicated something that was already tangled. The tenderness you felt probably wasn’t fake, but tenderness doesn’t always mean readiness or commitment. Sometimes people act with affection even when their emotional compass is lost.

If he’s gone quiet, he’s likely confused or trying to avoid guilt, which isn’t fair to you. You deserve clarity, not half-connection and half-silence. Friendship and love can coexist, but not when one person hides and the other keeps hoping for a confession that might never come.

Do you think part of you is holding on because you love who he is with you, or because you hope being there for him might eventually make him choose you?

[Tara]

Walk away. Not because you don’t love him but because he doesn’t love you back.
You didn’t “screw up the friendship.” You exposed the truth of what this has really been all along: you’re emotionally attached, and he’s using you for escape and convenience. That’s why he was tender in the moment not because he’s secretly in love with you, but because men can be physically affectionate during sex without feeling a damn thing afterward. You’re reading emotional depth into a hookup he immediately hid. He enjoyed the attention, the comfort, and the thrill, and then he went right back to protecting his real priority his relationship and his home life.

He’s quiet now because he got what he wanted and he’s avoiding consequences. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want to deal with your feelings or the reality that he cheated. He wants the moment erased so he can keep his life intact. You think you’re the exception, but you’re the secret he hopes never gets out.

And this fantasy you’re clinging to him leaving his pregnant girlfriend, moving in with you, blending your kids, building a life together that’s not a dream. That’s delusion. He’s not leaving her. He wasn’t even willing to let you stay in the same room after sex. He won’t even text you normally now. You think he’s going to blow up his entire family for you? Not a chance.
The fact that you’re willing to accept scraps “whatever he’s willing to give,” even being the other woman shows how badly you’ve abandoned your own self-respect. You’re getting emotionally wrecked while he gets everything with zero risk.

Here’s the truth you need to swallow: he’s not your future. He’s your escape from your divorce, your loneliness, and your need to feel wanted. He will never choose you. He will never leave her. And if he did? You’d end up dealing with the same behavior he’s showing her now.

[Serena Vale]

You didn’t ruin the friendship. He’s just scared. He knows you crossed a line that doesn’t match the life he’s living, and now he’s pulling back to protect himself, not because he doesn’t care.

And yes, a man can touch you tenderly without planning a future. It means he feels something in the moment, but it doesn’t mean he’s choosing you.
Here’s the part that’s hard but real:

If he wanted a real relationship with you, he wouldn’t be this quiet. He wouldn’t hide. He wouldn’t make you guess.

He wanted the intimacy, the comfort, the connection, but not the consequences.

You loving him doesn’t make you foolish. But right now, you’re giving everything, and he’s giving just enough to keep the door cracked open.

If you want to protect your heart and the friendship, pull back a little. Let him show you what he wants. If he doesn’t reach out… then he wanted the moment, not the life you’re imagining.

You deserve someone who chooses you in the open, not someone who only reaches for you in secret.

[Author]

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