[lismith85]

Hi April,

This is very in-depth, but I will try to be as brief as possible and hit all of the important points. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years. We have had our fair share of arguments, laughs, good times and bad times. We have always been able to work through them, however as of recently things have been really hard. First off I will say that I have issues with trust, insecurities and jealousy. Which I know are dealbreakers when it comes to having a successful relationship. Most of our arguments have centered around my insecurities and trust issues as well as his lack of patience and his inability to communicate effectively. He communicates with anger and getting frustrated too easily instead of just talking. These things have been problems in our relationship that we have both acknowledged and have a desire to work on. About a month ago, due to my trust issues I snooped through his phone and found text messages from a co worker that were flirty. They weren’t downright cheating but I didn’t like the flirty nature of it and I didn’t like the fact that they were texting outside of work hours. After looking through his phone for a week ( I have never done this before) I confronted him about it. He told me that it was innocent and that he would stop texting her and that he didn’t like her and she didn’t like him. He also said that he was feeling that I was not giving him the kind of attention he needed and that my trust issues were a problem. He said that our relationship was going through problems and he felt he couldn’t talk with me to address it. So after that, the next day we still argued about it a bit and then that is when he said he wanted to move out. I was devasted, I told him I didnt want him to leave and I wanted us to work it out, however I supported his descision and even went shopping with him to help him get things for his new apartment. Well we still lived with each other for that month and through that we talked about alot of things but he was adamant that he was leaving and that was that. Well the very day that he was supposed to go pick up his key for his new place, he tells me that he has decided to stay. I asked him why and he said he just wants to and that I need to work on my issues and he will work on his. I asked him was it a financial descision that he stayed and he said no ( he makes a good salary). So I was happy and I thought this meant we would work on the relationship, but he still felt distant to me and was not willing to have sex with me and we really didn’t go places together like we used to. The no sex bothered me big time as well. But we were affectionate with each other and everything seemed fine. Well one day after I just felt that something was off, I checked his phone bill and I saw a bunch of text messages from a certain number. Text messages dating back to the month he was planning to leave, all the way to the time he decided to stay and even now. I know it was wrong of me to look at his bill, but I just had to see what was going on. So I blocked my number and called the number I repeatedly saw on his bill and it the voicemail was a girl. My thought is that it is the co worker from before. They did ALOT of texting but not alot of calling. And alot of text messages were sent back and forth when he and I were together at home. He also never stays out late after work or not come home, so I don’t think they spend alot of time together, unless this is the girl from work, then they see each other at work. But I can’t confirm it’s her. So instead of confronting him about it head on I just told him that I have been feeling like he is being distant and I wanted to know what’s going on and that he can talk to me. Well that turned into an argument and he said that I need to get a life and that I have been to focused on him and he said that he is going to move out and for real this time. Now I am really upset because I am confused. First off, when I had a full life he complained I was never home and that I didn’t listen to him or pay him enough attention. Now he is saying I need to get a life. Does he just need space? Also why did he decide to stay and then now say after we have an argument, that he wants to leave? And if he decided to stay why not work on the relationship. Also, the initial time he was going to leave he put down a deposit and the first month’s rent on the apartment, so he was really going to do it, then changed his mind. Now here we are today, I still see the texts from him and this girl, yet we are getting along and planning to spend Thanksgiving together and still living together. What can I do to work on the relationship and make it better? He says he still loves me and I stil love him too. Should I concern myself with this girl or could they just be friends? I want my relationship to work, but I am not sure what I should do to make it work. Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[lismith85]

27

[lismith85]

27

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for giving me the extra information. I see that you’re young and you have things to learn about relationships. I’m going to recommend you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who are having problems in their relationships and want to have better ones. So please buy it (it’s only $8.99 and it’s sale helps support this free advice site), and read it.

The problem in your relationship wasn’t this other woman. She was the symptom. The problem was that your now ex-boyfriend felt neglected. He didn’t feel special or taken care of by you in the relationship. Instead of changing your behavior, you went to him to talk about it. 😮 This is never a good move. Men HATE having “the talk” because it’s a no win for them. Men aren’t talkers, they’re do-ers. Men don’t want to feel criticized, and although you didn’t think you were criticizing him, by telling him he was distant, you did just that. Men want to have sex and if he’s not having sex with you, you can be sure he’s at least thinking of having it somewhere else — or planning it or doing it.

So, you see, there were warning lights that you ignored, possibly because you didn’t recognize them.

[quote]Now he is saying I need to get a life. Does he just need space? Also why did he decide to stay and then now say after we have an argument, that he wants to leave? And if he decided to stay why not work on the relationship. Also, the initial time he was going to leave he put down a deposit and the first month’s rent on the apartment, so he was really going to do it, then changed his mind. Now here we are today, I still see the texts from him and this girl, yet we are getting along and planning to spend Thanksgiving together and still living together. [/quote]

He wants space so he can explore other options. He’s going back and forth because because it’s hard to move out after you’ve been living with someone for two years. The texts back and forth from this other woman continue to be a symptom of the problem in your relationship with him.

[quote]What can I do to work on the relationship and make it better? He says he still loves me and I stil love him too. Should I concern myself with this girl or could they just be friends? I want my relationship to work, but I am not sure what I should do to make it work. [/quote]

You need to start making him feel special, important, desired and wonderful. Read the book, Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], for loads of details, advice and tips on how to do this. That’s what you should do to make it work. Don’t bring up this other woman again. You need to stop putting him on the defense and start making him want you more than anyone else, if you’re going to keep him. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[lismith85]

Thanks April. I have recognized that I am the problem and that it is important for me to make him feel special and loved in the relationship. We had another talk last night and I told him that I recognize what I did wrong in our relationship by not trusting him and being insecure all of the time I told him that I want to fix this and make changes on my end that would repair the relationship. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said that the fact that I even asked him that question shows that I don’t take full responsibility for the demise of the relationship and that it still shows that I don’t trust him. He said that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and that he won’t forgive me, and that there is no repairing the relationship because he doesn’t want to work on it anymore. I asked him what changed, because we have always be able to work on our problems. He said he just can’t do it anymore. But could it be that there is someone else? You see we still live together so it is hard and I don’t want us to break up or move out. But I don’t understand. If I am willing to work on fixing the problems that are wrong and I am sincere about it, why can’t he just say that he is willing to work it out? I strongly feel that if we can get past this issue in our relationship then we can move on and truly be happy. But I feel hurt that it has come to him not wanting to give me a chance. What should I do now that we have had this talk? He and I were laughing and joking around this morning and he even brought me to work. It’s hard because I know that we can work it out but I just can’t get him to realize it. How can I get him to realize it?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t take my advice… 😳 And you’re probably treating me the same way you treat him — by ignoring. It’s not all about you. I don’t take your ignoring my advice personally because you and I are not in a relationship, but he is, or was, and does. If someone says something, you should consider what they say and who is saying it before you ignore it.

Re-read my advice. Buy the book, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Read it. And stop having “talks” with him.

It’s over and one of you needs to move out so you can both move on. 😥

I hope you’ll take my advice and see if it works for you. 😉

[Member]

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