[rachel89]

my fiancé doesn’t want to have sex any more. we spend all day together, so i know he is not cheating. he says he is still attracted to me, and shows it. we use to have sex quite often, and though we are very loving with each other in every other way, we have sex less than once a month now. he has had trouble finishing a few times in the past, and gave up in the middle, but the only verbal clue he gave me was that he gets stressed when he thinks of sex. at this point the fact that we are not intimate has just become a sort of joke when the subject comes up. what can i do to change things, and have better more often (regular) sex?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both? How long have you been dating? How long have you been engaged? When is the wedding date? Why do you spend all day together — do either one of you have a job? Or do you work together?

If you answer my questions, I’ll be able to give you a much better response! 😀

[rachel89]

i am 22 and he is 32. we have been dating for almost 2 years, we have been engaged for about 2 years. the wedding date is in this upcoming august. neither of us has a job. i have just gotten my NI number, so i am only now legal to work, and my fiancé has unfortunately been laid off his job the 1st of oct. our relationship was across countries most of the time, which means we have spent months apart. when i arrived here in june i was in my period, which obviously meant we didn’t get straight back into a routine of being together, and it has stayed pritty much the same ever since… i hope this is enough information. thank you…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information. It’s helpful! 🙂

It sounds like the two of you have a lot of stress on your personal lives and relationship. Your fiance’s being laid off from his job in October is going to create depression and anxiety for him. This will directly, negatively, affect his sex drive. He’s probably worried about finances, and your August wedding is making him feel like he has to get things in order.

My guess is that his firing didn’t come out of the blue so although he may not have told you about it, he knew things weren’t going well at work for several months before his being laid off. That may account for his lack of a sex drive when you reunited this summer.

So, while that explains the reason for his disinterest in sex, it doesn’t solve your problem. Here are some tips to follow to get things back on track in the bedroom:

1. Don’t make him feel badly about what’s happening. It won’t help to heap pressure on him in addition to what he has.

2. Encourage him rather than discourage him. Flirt with him and try to entice him with a more sexy you.

3. Be generous in bed and make the sex about him. If you can lead him back into the game, he’ll want to reciprocate, but first things first.

4. When things go well — even if they’re baby steps — tell him how amazing he is, sexually.

5. Try and change the mood. He’s obviously got employment stresses and is around the house more than usual, so get him out of the house on a date or use music, fragrance, visuals — sexy clothes, pretty flowers, rich chocolate, a nice bottle of wine, etc. — to jog him out of his mood and into the one you want him to be in.

Let me know if those things help.

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