[LandonStatis]

Hi April,

I just saw your article here: https://www.askapril.com/pdflinks/Why-Nice-Guys-Finish-Last.pdf and it so describes my situation. I just do not know what to do.

I am all about my girl. We’ve been together 5 years. I try and do everything for her. She’s had a tough life, and I love her so very much. So, I try to always be there for her and her kids, I do as much for her as I can, never ask or accept when she tries to pay me back for something, I alter my schedules to fit hers, and almost always accept what she asks / requests.

Yeah, we’ve had hard times together, a few very hard times, but we always come back. A while ago she told me I’d never be the man she wants me to. Then just days later she tells me she loves me. Then a couple of months afterwards she tells me to go away and never come back, then asks me for a favor, and I do it. Lots of mixed messages.

I care a lot for her and her kids, so I find it hard to say ‘no’ to her, and find it impossible to say bad things to her. Yet, it seems like me being a nice guy for her is not helping me.

Well, we have not spoken in about 2 weeks. She is upset again, brings up things from 4 years ago, said some not so nice things, and I’ve decided that this time I am not going to run to her, because I did not do anything. I always go back to her, always apologize, even when it is not my fault, and I want her to see that no one is perfect, not even her.

But I’m looking for ways to save this. Have I done too much already, and it is too late? Do I need to be a mean person to her? Should I continue to help her? My fear is I act like a jerk towards her and she walks. Yet if I continue to be nice about everything, it seems she has no respect for me.

Thoughts? What more can I tell you that you may need to know?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s hard to change five years of behavior in a relationship quickly. That said, it’s admirable that you’re going to try. You do not have to be a jerk, but you should not be so available. The reason is that you have a life of your own (hint, hint). If you actually begin to HAVE that life of your own it will be a lot easier for you to be busy, legitimately. In addition, if she treats you badly, don’t stay — because after all, why on earth should you stay with someone who treats you badly, and why wouldn’t she think that she can and should treat you badly if that’s the dynamic the two of you have worked out? Get it? 😉 Respect is earned and you have to earn yours from her. 😀 She has to feel that if she wants you, she’s going to have to entice you to get your attention, and that your attention is valuable — and wanted elsewhere, as well.

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[LandonStatis]

April,

I appreciate your advice, and it makes total sense. I find myself sitting around a lot, wondering if she is even thinking about me or misses me. We’ve been together a long time. But she is very independent. I am always the one to re-approach her, but I’m trying to prevent myself from doing that this time.

Her daughter contacted me the other day, just saying that she misses me around. That just made it even more difficult. I know there is no easy solution, but I keep looking for some sign, some signal that she is going to come back and start talking again. She is not interested in anyone else, I just think she may have reached a point where she just wants to be alone, although I could be wrong.

Do you suggest keeping my distance until she approaches me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not just that I think you should keep your distance, but you should have a good life on your own WHILE you’re keeping your distance. The combination of the two is going to send YOU the message that you don’t NEED her, and it’s going to send the same message to her.

[LandonStatis]

April,

Thanks for the words again. I am trying to do things, it is very difficult. I am somewhat avoiding her, but, I think about her constantly, wondering if she thinks about me. Her kids called me the other day telling me how much they miss me. It would be so much easier if she could just communicate.

She does need to talk to me though. To complicate things, I own a building and she and the kids live there. These are nice units, 3BR / 2BA. She pays less than 1/3 of what the others pay. In fact, I have to cover some of the mortgage out of my own pocket, and I did not mind because I felt there was something in it for us, a long term relationship together.

She needs to show the kids school the lease to prove she lives in the district. But if we are not a couple, I cannot be shelling out $130 each month when that is supposed to be income property.

I’m not trying to buy her or anything, but, as my girlfriend I will do anything and everything to help her. But if we are not a couple, then why should I come up in the red each month? I have to explain this to her shortly, and other than the words above I do not know how.

Ultimately we should already move in together, it’s been 5 years. There would be so much less stress, and we’d be working towards a common goal too. Wish she could see that too. But everything to her is a ‘control’ thing, and she fears being controlled, as she was in her previous marriage.

How can one not see the positives, and only see the negatives?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You won’t think about her as much if you’re out and about doing things that are meaningful with other people. 😉 I know it’s hard, but you can do it! And the alternative isn’t so good.

You need to explain to her that since you’re not a couple any more, you are not going to be supporting her or subsidizing her rent, and that at the end of this month, she’s going to have to pay the full amount of the lease because you won’t be. It’s that simple. Then stick to your boundaries.

Remember that respect is earned. If you’re a pushover, people will walk on you.

As for seeing the good and the bad, everyone has good and bad traits — but some are deal breakers. Her behavior is, and since she won’t change hers first (or at all), you have to change yours if you want out of this pattern.

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