[jbgone239]

I’ve known this girl for almost 5 years. We were never really good friends but we got along great. We finally went out on a couple dates recently and I thought things were going well. Her sisters threw her a birthday party at their apartment in the city and I was invited among many others. When I got there i soon realized that her ex was there as well. They had been together for years and had only broken up in the last 6 months, I didn’t know what to do or say. I got the impression she didn’t want to talk to me and that made me upset, I was wrong in assuming that, she wanted me there. I drank way too much and got completely blackout drunk. I was told the following day that I embarrassed her in front of everyone with my actions. Apparently I grabbed a girl on the ass. Then when we all went out to a bar and I danced with this girl’s best friend, and by dancing I mean grinding on her and dancing provocatively. Not only that but I ignored the girl I like because I was under the impression that with her ex there it was over between us. I was wrong. She was incredibly hurt by my actions, as she should be, and was embarrassed to even know me. When I found out what I did I called her to talk about it. She basically told me that she knows she isn’t a perfect person but that she would NEVER do that to someone she cared about. I apologized so many times and told her that I’m not like this. She’s known me for 5 years and she even told me that she has never seen me like that before. I kept telling her how ashamed I am and how it was one mistake on one night, and that I am not that kind of guy and I never will be. Needless to say she is upset. She told me she doesn’t hate me but she doesn’t feel the same way about me. We have hung out a couple times since with our group of mutual friends and she seems fine, we joke around and talk just like we used to. On saturday night I dropped her off last and we talked awhile. She told me that she thought of me as a guy who would protect her from anything, a guy who would make her laugh when she was sad, the kind of guy who would make her happy no matter what. I got very emotional from what she said, because I can see how much I let her down. I regret everything I did and I feel so ashamed of myself as it is, but after our talk I felt even worse. WE both got emotional and she told me that she feels as if she would have no self-respect if we were to date again. I told her to just tell me if there was no hope for us to date again but she told that was not the case. She even got upset because she felt bad that I was taking it so hard. She even tried to get me to smile cause she didn’t want to see me upset. We ened up joking around for the last ten minutes of our conversation. She said that we are still friends and that she can’t say anything else for now. What do I do? What should I expect going forward? I really like her and I think she still likes me but she feels pressure from her sisters to keep her distance from me because they only know me from that one night. You thoughts, opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

[AskApril Masini]

You have a deeper problem that reared it’s head at her party and I don’t for a minute believe that this is the first time you’ve done something like this. When you perceived that you had competition for your girlfriend in her ex-boyfriend, who was invited to her party, you felt fear of rejection that was so great you numbed the feeling by getting blind drunk and behaving terribly. There is a part of you that is so protective of yourself and so afraid of uncomfortable feelings that you’d rather get rip roaring drunk to numb those feelings than instead, talk to your girlfriend and find out if she was just friends with her ex, or if there was more. This fear of yours and more importantly, your reaction to your fear is a problem you have to deal with. If you don’t, it will follow you around from relationship to relationship. This isn’t about your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend. This is about you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to slowly deal with this problem of yours by testing yourself in social situations and being aware of your feelings, and then staying with them when they’re uncomfortable — without resorting to substances or other numbing behaviors. This is easier said than done — but it is doable with patience, discipline and a desire to improve on yourself.

You’ve blown it with this girl, but you need to be more concerned about your future with anyone you’re dating. Focus on you and this problem before you start looking at having a relationship.

[jbgone239]

I think you are right, I have to deal with my emotions in a different way. This is not the first time I have went out drinking because I was upset about something in my life, but this is the first time I have ever gotten that drunk, and it is certainly the first time I ever touched a girl in an inappropriate way. It’s weird because this girl I like is not my girl friend. She made it very clear that we were just hanging out and seeing what happens. The fact is that a few months ago we went out on a couple dates and I thought everything was going great then as well. But then she started acting weird. She never said anything. So I approached her about it and she told me she was not over her ex and that she couldn’t keep dating me while she still had these feelings for him. So when I saw him at the party this past week, with her telling me that we were just hanging out and not putting a title on anything, it made me think that she was feeling that same way she did before. There are tons of ways I could have reacted and I chose the wrong one. But I was already burned by this once before, how could anyone blame me for thinking the same thing yet again. My behavior was inexcusable and wrong. That is a fact and it can’t be defended. However, I feel like she still likes me and that is why she wants to remain friends. I feel like because it all happened in front of her friends and sisters that she feels as if she has no choice but to keep her distance for the time being. I don’t want to have false hope for anything but do you really believe I have blown it completely? This girl has known me for 5 years, she said she has never seen me like this, she knows the kind of guy I am and she wants to stay friends. I just feel like she wants to keep me close for now while she gives it time. What do you think April?

[AskApril Masini]

Your honesty about your behavior and your take on things is heartening and bodes well for your future. 🙂 That this is the first time you have gotten this drunk doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. In fact alcoholism is a progressive disease, so if you have a tendency towards alcoholism or any addictive behavior, it would make sense that you got drunker this time than before and that you’re on a downward trajectory.

That said, your honesty and desire to change your behavior can right your wrongs. 😉 But desire isn’t enough. You have to do things differently from now on.

So while I give you advice on your relationship, I really want you to take care of yourself because that self of yours is going to follow you around from relationship to relationship — romantic, career, family and friendship.

Your take on this ex-girlfriend still being interested in her ex-boyfriend is accurate. Her acting weird, not saying anything clear to you to alleviate your anxiety — this is all her stuff and she doesn’t owe you any explanations, but understand that she may be in the process of figuring out what she wants to do next. You can’t expect her to jump to decisions (although some people do) without undergoing her own, personal process. Her process is clunky for her and more so for you. But again, that’s life and you’ll find that with anyone you’re with. People do things and make decisions differently from each other.

I don’t know that you’ve blown it completely and I can’t give you a black and white answer on that question — although I know that a quick yes or no would make you feel more comfortable. You’re going to have to find a way to sit with uncertainty — without drinking! 😉 You definitely did a lot of damage, but you have some history together, and what you do next, each day, one step at a time, will give her a chance to see more of you and make her own decision.

I know it’s not black and white and that’s awkward for you, but try to deal with the fact that relationships are a process and you are where you are in this one. Today! 🙂

[jbgone239]

I appreciate the fact that you don’t try and BS anything. I know that a clear cut answer to my problem would be ideal but you make a great point in saying that it is a process. I have done a lot of damage and I’ve done things that can’t be undone. All I can do is control my behavior going forward. I’m hopeful and optimisitc for the future. I think she knows the kind of person I am and although the wound is still fresh and she won’t admit it just yet, I know that she knows that it was just a big huge mistake one time in my life. Nobody is perfect and people do screw up, some bigger then others. As long as I can learn from this I know that going forward I will be able to forgive my own actions at some point. Just not knowing where you stand is hard but I know I can get through it. Now I know what it feels like to truly feel horrible about myself and my behavior. Even more importantly I know how it feels to hurt someone I care about deeply, And I never want to live with the knowledge that I’ve done either ever again. It’s one thing to hurt yourself but it is 1000x worse when you do it to someone you care about. Thank you for your perspective on the situation, I took your advice to heart and I hope that in due time I will be able to change and deal with my problems in a much more appropriate and mature manner.

[AskApril Masini]

You sound very grounded and steady. That’s a great place for you to be to start earning your second chance. Good luck! 😀

[martine4161]

Let me clear everything with you. You have done all the things because you are upset that she have boyfriend and now she is happy with him. Actually what ever you have done but now you have to clear all the thing with her and tell her true that you like her and all the feelings about her. If she loves you then she will admit otherwise leave it on the luck.

[AskApril Masini]

Admitting feelings is great, but behavior and changing behavior is crucial here. Mistakes are not as important as what someone who’s made one does next. So clean up the mess and use this opportunity to become a better person.

[Ethan Morales]

You blew it that night, and April’s take isn’t soft because the problem isn’t just one blackout it’s the behavior that led to it. When you get that drunk to avoid uncomfortable feelings, you put control in the hands of alcohol, and that’s a choice that ruins trust fast. She’s right to be hurt she trusted you to be the kind of guy who protects her and makes her feel safe. You broke that trust, and that’s why she’s pulling back.

That doesn’t mean you’re a lost cause. Regret and shame are appropriate responses, but they aren’t the same as change. Saying “I’m sorry” matters less than proving you’ve actually learned from it. If you truly want to be the kind of man she described steady, protective, emotionally present you have to stop numbing and start facing insecurity head-on. That means no blackout drinking in social situations where emotions run high. Full stop.

Expect this to take time. Right now, she’s decided that dating you again would feel like lowering her standards, and that’s a protective move on her part. Don’t try to fix it with grand promises or frantic gestures. Apologize once directly and clearly, own your actions without excuses, and then step back and let consistency do the talking. If she sees you repeatedly acting like the man you say you want to be, her feelings may shift but don’t bank on it.

Be practical about winning trust back: 1) Stop repeating the behavior that got you here (no heavy drinking around her or at events where temptations and pressures exist). 2) Show up reliably be the person who turns up sober, calm, and respectful. 3) Make amends where it matters: if her sisters judge you, apologize to them too and demonstrate change in front of them. Small, consistent actions matter far more than speeches.

Also, work on the root cause. Why did the thought of her ex trigger you so badly? Jealousy, fear of rejection, low self-worth whatever it is, sit with it and practice not fleeing. Basic tools: pause when you feel panic, breathe, name the emotion, and choose one non-destructive action. If you can’t afford therapy, read books on insecurity and anger management, follow relationship podcasts, and practice sobriety as a test of discipline.

Prepare for either outcome. She may eventually come around if you genuinely change; she may not. Both are survivable. The healthy play is to improve because you want to be better, not just to win her back. If she does reopen the door, let it happen slowly and let her set the pace. If she doesn’t, you’ll at least have fixed the part of you that would repeat the same mistake in the next relationship.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s clear that you are in a really reflective and self-aware place, which is the first essential step toward repairing both his behavior and potentially his relationship. What stands out is his acknowledgment of his actions at the party getting blackout drunk, touching someone inappropriately, and ignoring the girl he likes. He doesn’t try to excuse it, and he’s clearly feeling the weight of shame and regret. That level of self-awareness is crucial because it shows he recognizes the consequences of his actions and the impact they had on the girl and on their dynamic.

It’s also important to note the complexity of the situation from the girl’s perspective. She’s clearly hurt and embarrassed, and her hesitation to be more than friends right now reflects both her feelings about him and the social pressures she may feel from her sisters and friends. Her willingness to maintain a friendship, to joke around, and even express emotional connection shows that there is still a bond between them, but it’s fragile and needs careful nurturing. This ambiguity makes it difficult for him, but it’s realistic relationships are rarely clean-cut, especially after a breach of trust.

The advice given by April Masini emphasizes the root issue: you’r fear and his coping mechanisms. Using alcohol to numb uncomfortable feelings is a pattern that, if not addressed, could repeat in future situations, sabotaging both his friendships and romantic connections. What he’s doing right now recognizing the pattern, understanding how it emerged, and committing to handling emotions differently is a positive sign. He’s starting to see that relationships require both emotional maturity and personal responsibility, not just desire or attraction.

I also notice that he’s grappling with the tension between hope and reality. He wants clarity about whether he’s “blown it” completely, but the answer isn’t black and white. This is actually an important lesson in patience and resilience: relationships often move in a nonlinear way, and the girl’s process of figuring out her feelings is valid. The best he can do is consistently demonstrate respectful behavior, emotional stability, and self-control over time. This is where trust can slowly be rebuilt, though there are no guarantees.

Finally, what strikes me most is his commitment to growth. He’s reflecting on his actions, expressing a desire to never hurt someone he cares about again, and recognizing the need to forgive himself as he learns from the experience. This shows emotional depth and a willingness to evolve. While the path forward with this girl is uncertain, his personal growth through this process is invaluable it not only helps him in this situation but sets the foundation for healthier relationships in the future. If he continues on this path, he can transform a painful mistake into a profound lesson in responsibility, empathy, and emotional maturity.

[Tara]

You didn’t just “make a mistake.” You detonated every bit of trust and attraction she had for you in one night because you couldn’t handle your own insecurity and alcohol like an adult. You didn’t embarrass yourself, you embarrassed her in front of her family, her friends, and her ex. You basically announced to the room that you’re impulsive, jealous, and unreliable, and you did it in the loudest, sloppiest way possible.

You keep clinging to the idea that this was “one night.” Yes, it was one night, and that’s all it took to show her that the man she thought you were doesn’t actually exist when you’re under pressure. She thought you were steady, protective, and respectful. You showed up drunk, grabbed another woman, danced on her best friend, and acted like she didn’t matter. That isn’t a small slip. That’s a character reveal.

And stop romanticising the emotional conversation you two had. She wasn’t giving you hope; she was grieving the version of you she thought she could trust. When she said she’d lose self-respect by dating you right now, she was telling you the relationship is off the table until you prove you’re not a liability. She’s polite, she’s kind, she still likes you as a person that doesn’t mean she sees you as someone she can date.

Her sisters? They’re not the obstacle. You are. They’re reacting exactly how any sane person would react to a guy who humiliated their sister in public and then wants another shot. You earned their scepticism. Don’t make them the villains in your mind because you don’t want to face the consequences of your actions.

As for what you should expect going forward: nothing. You don’t get to “expect” an outcome after blowing up your chance. If anything happens, it’ll be because you consistently show over time without begging, guilt-tripping, or grand declarations that you’re stable, respectful, and not a walking drunk disaster when you’re insecure.

Here’s your actual next step: stop trying to force her back into romance. Treat her like a friend. Get your drinking under control. Grow up emotionally. Earn back basic respect before you even dream of earning back attraction.

[Sally]

One bad night can wreck the picture someone had of you, even if it’s not who you really are. And she’s not wrong for pulling back she got embarrassed, and that kind of feeling sticks.

But the way she still talks to you, the way she softened at the end… that tells me she hasn’t written you off. She just needs time to believe you again. You can’t force that. You can only show her you’re steady by actually being steady.

Don’t chase or guilt her. Just be the version of you she already knew the guy she felt safe with. If she’s gonna let you back in, it’ll be because she sees that again on her own.

[Serena Vale]

From everything you’ve said, this doesn’t feel like a lost cause. It just feels like something that needs time and a steadier version of you. She cared about you, that part is obvious. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t still talk to you, joke around with you, or sit in a car having emotional conversations. Her problem isn’t that her feelings disappeared… it’s that her trust took a hit. And when a woman feels embarrassed or unsafe, especially in front of people who matter to her, she steps back. That’s exactly what she’s doing.

What happened that night wasn’t right, and you already know that. But the fact you’re reflecting on it now, actually owning it, and trying to understand yourself, that’s a good sign. Still, she’s not going to believe change just because you say it. She needs to see it slowly, consistently.

Right now, the best thing you can do is stay calm around her. Don’t push for clarity or try to force anything. Just show her through your behavior that you’re grounding yourself. Give her some breathing room without disappearing. Work on the emotional side of things so you don’t repeat the same pattern. And try to see it from her angle, her sisters and friends were there, so of course she’s moving more cautiously.

You didn’t ruin everything. You did create a setback, yes, but she hasn’t closed the door on you. She still cares. You care. There’s still something here, not guaranteed, but real enough to work with.

If you stay consistent, respectful, and actually grow from this, she’ll notice. And if she feels safe again, she’ll naturally come back closer on her own. If she doesn’t, the work you’re doing will still make you better in every part of your life.

So be patient. Stay grounded. And let your actions speak louder than your apologies.

[Member]

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