[momof2girls]

Last year I filed for divorce of my husband after 12 yrs of marriage. I was feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, unloved and ignored. I felt like his drinking was taking him over and was more important than anything. I didnt tell him I wanted a divorce I just went and filed. It wasnt the right way to handle the situation I know. When I told him I had filed he was drunk of course. He went nuts and ended up throwing me around the room and almost hitting me. I called the police and had him arrested in which led to him being jailed for 5 days and a restraining order on top of the divorce. He ended up moving out of course and we did talk after he got out of jail. I was resentful and wasnt willing to work things out right away. We did finally go to marriage counseling and I did have the restraining order and divorce dropped. In the time we were seperated I found out he had been seeing another woman. I dont know the extent of the relationship he had with her. He insists they just hung out at a bar and talked but I dont think that was all that was going on. Fast forward 5 months and he moved back home and we have been continuing to rebuild our marriage. Last month I found a text in his phone that he had sent to this woman he was seeing. I dont know what provoked me to look through his phone that particular night but I found a text he had sent to her saying “What are the best times for us to be alone (do you know what I mean?)”… she replied that Friday or Saturday nights were best as her kids were usually gone then. He then sent another text asking if he could stop by that night. There was no reply from her to that text but I also didnt check the call log as she may of called him or he called her. I dont think he went by her place that night though as I was on the phone with him as he was driving home. I did confront him about the texts the next day and he at first denied it until I showed him that I had forwarded the texts from his phone to my phone. He then told me he wanted to talk to her about a business deal. My thing is and the thing I am having so much trouble letting go of, is if he was calling to talk to her about a business deal why would he word needing to talk to her like that? He insists that there was and is nothing going on between him and her and I expressed to him that I really feel uncomfortable about him talking and communicating with her in any way shape or form especially under the pretenses in which they met and the fact that I know she wants in his pants. Its been about 5-6 weeks since that text took place and even though I have not found any more texts or anything to her in his phone. But that also doesnt mean he isnt being “smarter” about it and deleting them right away from his call log, inbox and sent box. He is home every night and I feel he does love me. I know he doesnt fully trust me anymore or yet but my question is one of 2 I guess… 1. Do you think he is still screwing around behind my back and why would he be if he wanted to work things out here at home and moved back home etc… & 2. how do I let this go? How do I keep from wondering every time he recieves a text if it is her texting him or if he is texting her? How do I regain my trust in him again? Everytime I try to talk to him about how I am feeling he gets upset and thinks I am just being insecure. Maybe I am but that text didnt exactly leaving me feeling very secure, especially since his answers were so evasive. I know if I dont let this go some how, some way that it will be the death of my marriage and that is the last thing I want. Please any advice is helpful…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]1. Do you think he is still screwing around behind my back and why would he be if he wanted to work things out here at home and moved back home etc… & 2. how do I let this go? How do I keep from wondering every time he recieves a text if it is her texting him or if he is texting her? How do I regain my trust in him again? Everytime I try to talk to him about how I am feeling he gets upset and thinks I am just being insecure. Maybe I am but that text didnt exactly leaving me feeling very secure, especially since his answers were so evasive. I know if I dont let this go some how, some way that it will be the death of my marriage and that is the last thing I want.[/quote]

He probably is or will be cheating on you, since you write that he has a drinking problem and he met her at a bar and you found out that he’d been cheating on you for five months during the marriage. But that’s not the only reason. It sounds like the two of you have some problems in your marriage that are also contributing to him feeling disconnected and wanting female companionship, sex and to be desired. You see, it’s not quite black and white after twelve years of marriage and two kids (per your moniker). 😉

I know you want this episode to be erased from your history with him, but it’s not going to magically disappear. I trust that you had many good years in your marriage, and if that’s true, this problem didn’t come out of nowhere. You both had a part in the situation you’re now in. So gaining trust is going to be a process, not simply you telling him not to cheat, he agreeing, and you wondering if he’s being truthful.

If you want to make this work, which it sounds like you do, then you both have to roll up your sleeves and figure out where things went wrong and how to get them back on track. My guess is that you both let the marriage take a back seat to other things in your lives and you both neglected each other, and yourselves. If he’s not a chronic cheater (meaning he wasn’t like this when you married him), then he strayed because he didn’t feel the way he wanted to feel IN the marriage. Men don’t leave their marriages for the prettiest girl in the room. They leave for the woman who makes them feel like they’re desirable and a hero.

Your husband’s drinking is either some form of alcoholism — or a symptom of depression and a way for him to anesthetize his feelings and escape. You have to be willing to work on the marriage and spend a lot of time making yourself a better person and a better wife, and investing in intimacy between the two of you (and I’m not just talking about sex). If you can do that, and be patient, because as I said, this is a process that takes place over time, you can have a better marriage.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[momof2girls]

Thank you April. We have gone to marriage counseling and yes we did let everything take control over us and we put ourselves in the back seat. I have been doing everything I can to make him see he is my knight in shining armor and truly my hero again. Things do seem better and aside from finding those texts he sent to that woman and knowing he was seeing her while we were seperated, he has given me no other reason to believe that he is cheating. I still fight with the insecurity demons. I have always had feelings of inadequacy in relationships even before we were married. I guess my fear is to sgow him how much I love him and make him feel loved, appreciated and everything only to find out he is still screwing around behind my back. Yes, he is an alcoholic and I knew this going into the relationship. He has gotten better even though he does still drink. (He is trying to keep it at a manageable level now.) I realize now that I need to figure out a way to put MY mind at ease, let go of what happened, and just have faith that he wont cheat or isnt cheating. I am making myself nuts with the constant wondering and being fearful. Thank you for your advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you both had one problem each, going into the marriage, and the results of those problems are showing up now. 😳 Your feelings of inadequacy that you had before you married, are ripe for dealing with. There’s nothing sexy or comfortable about inadequacy, so find out what, exactly, you feel inadequate about, and address it. For instance, if you’d feel better about yourself if you lost weight, then do that. If you’d feel better about yourself if you had more education, then get it. Find a way to feel adequate.

As for his alcoholism, I think you’re fooling yourself by saying he has it under control because he drinks less…..😕 Alcoholism is addressed by not drinking and going to meetings to keep you sober. If he’s not willing to get healthy, you’re (both) in for a bumpy ride.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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