[jm04]

Hi April. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years over the weekend and I’m having a really tough time getting through it. I know it’s normal to feel this way because it’s still so fresh, but I’m just really having a hard time understanding why this happened. To add to the pain of the breakup, we broke up on Saturday (Nov 14) and he’s already been on a date and started seeing someone new. He swears that he wasn’t cheating on me during our relationship, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.

This especially hurts because our relationship was so wonderful for so long. It was really everything I could have ever asked for. I had never been so happy in my life. We took it very slow in the beginning, but we both ended up falling very hard for one another. Being with him was almost too easy. I felt that I had finally found “the one”. I was sure that this was it, that this was who I was going to spend my life with. He seemed to feel the same way. We moved in together, had plans for the future, everything was going great. We ran into a few obstacles eventually, but we overcame them and our relationship was still very solid. About six months ago, he started becoming incredibly distant, very cold and very inconsiderate. I tried so hard to work through it, but he refused to communicate with me or work with me at all. These last few months, I felt like i was no longer his girlfriend, but instead I was just the person who did his laundry and was there to have sex with him when he wanted it. He no longer made time for me, wouldn’t go to weddings or events with me anymore and would constantly break plans to do something with someone else. I couldn’t allow him to keep hurting me, so I decided to call it quits. As much as I wanted to keep trying to make things work, I was fighting a losing battle and it was taking a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically.

I’ve tried to recognize that the biggest issue here was his immaturity and that unfortunately, I can’t force him to grow up. At 34 years old, he had no desire to ever move out of his mother’s house, knew nothing about being an adult, made drinking with his friends a priority over everything else and really didn’t seem to want a relationship. I know that this relationship has been long over and that analyzing every aspect of why it failed is probably useless. But I just don’t understand what went wrong and I’m very hurt that he’s moved on within days. I also can’t help but blame myself for this. I tend to have a short fuse at times and I also tend to get very emotional. I sought counseling for a few months to address this and I felt like I made a lot of progress, but he maintains that I ruined our relationship by being upset (every time I was upset I had very good reason to be).

This is my third failed relationship and I’m only 27. My first relationship was four years in high school and we ultimately broke up because he wouldn’t stop cheating on me. My second relationship was six years and was incredibly abusive. This most recent one was three years and went so well for so long until he suddenly turned his back on me, seemingly out of nowhere. While all of the things that led to all three breakups seem to have been beyond my control, I can’t help but blame myself and feel like I’m doing something wrong. I can’t help but feel that all of my relationships have failed because of me. I am far from perfect, but I think overall I’m a good person and have a lot to offer. Nothing seems to work out for me despite my best efforts. I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of having to start over again and I’m not very hopeful for the future. I’m not so sure that a happy, long lasting relationship is in the cards for me. I know that sounds incredibly negative and overly dramatic, but I’m just so tired of putting so much time and effort in relationships only to have them fail over and over again.

[AskApril Masini]

Please do me a favor — go back to the original post you put up on this forum here: , and repost this new question as a “reply” there. That way I can see your entire history in one place and you’ll get better advice from me — and anyone else who wants to weigh in.

[Member]

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