[KRzang]

I very recently split up with my girlfriend and it was a mutual decision which ended with “let’s be friends”.

I was happy about this because we still got on and our conversations were still good enough that there wasn’t any negativity holding us back from actually becoming good friends (with no added benefits).

However I noticed that it was me carrying the conversations and upon reflection I’m happy to say that it’s not because there are romantic feelings but rather that I genuinely enjoyed our chats.

So I stopped beginning the conversations and it took about 2 and a half weeks before we exchanged any words (since our break up this has been an exclusively online friendship through Steam/Facebook), it was brief and very light/formal. Since then we’ve not spoken at all (that was mid June) and I absolutely refuse to go back to carrying the conversations because it makes me feel pathetic.

My reason for coming here is because I want to remove her from my social media accounts as she’s given me no reason to think she’s bothered about us remaining friends. I’ll admit that I don’t enjoy discussing difficult subjects with her at all because she uses her razor sharp wit against me, I just can’t keep up with her and it makes me feel stupid; so I end up getting defensive.

However my problem is that I know she’ll drag my name through the mud if I just cut her out and I’m left with the decision of how to proceed; do I just cut her out and suck up what happens next or is there a cool/casual way to express myself and end it?

Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Break ups have a life of their own! And remaining friends with an ex, as you can now see, is shaky ground on which to walk. My first thought is why not leave things as they are, but just don’t initiate conversation with her on social media, or respond if she happens to initiate. It’s less dramatic than blocking her — especially since you’re concerned with consequences of doing so. If that doesn’t work for you, then I think you have to block her and disassociate on social media and understand that her talking trash about you is one of the possible ways that relationships that end fall out. If these people to whom she’s trash talking you, know you, or know about the break up, then you should trust that they’ll understand what’s going on. And if they don’t, then you’re not losing a true friend anyway. 😉

[KRzang]

I’ve decided to just leave things as they are, primarily because I am concerned with how she’ll react. We’ve been through something similar before and I told her I needed a bit of breathing space for a bit. A few days later I was fine and attempted to return to normal but she ripped me a new one and made it into all about her.

It’s a sad thought and incredibly bitter but I can’t let her ‘win’ because I know what she’s like and she will believe that I’m trying to hurt her/attempting to get her back/not considering her feelings. It’s just not worth the drama and taking your advice into account it does, as you said, make more sense to leave it as is than potentially make it worse.

There is truth to that old saying “let sleeping dogs lie”.

Anyway thank you for your advice! I greatly appreciate your wisdom.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

The friendship already ended. Not because you did something wrong, but because it became one-sided. When you stopped carrying it, it went quiet. That’s your answer.
You don’t owe anyone access to you just so they won’t talk bad about you. If she wants to spin a story, she’ll do that whether you explain yourself or not. You can’t control that part.

If you want the cleanest way out, keep it simple and calm. Something like: I’ve realized staying connected isn’t working for me, so I’m going to step back and wish you well. Then remove her. No arguing. No defending.

Protecting your peace isn’t dramatic or pathetic. It’s just you choosing not to keep showing up where you’re not met.

[Tara]

You weren’t friends; you were providing attention, and the moment you stopped supplying it, the connection died. That tells you everything you need to know. “Let’s be friends” was a polite exit line, not a contract, and you’re wasting mental energy pretending there’s something to preserve. You already feel small talking to her, you already resent carrying the dynamic, and you already know she doesn’t value the relationship unless it benefits her, so why are you still negotiating with fear of gossip?

People who threaten to “drag your name through the mud” already don’t respect you, and trying to manage their reaction just keeps you trapped. There is no cool, casual explanation that will protect you and give you closure; that’s a fantasy.

The clean move is silent removal, no announcement, no justification, no emotional post-mortem. If she talks, she talks, and if someone believes her without asking you, they were never on your side anyway. Cut her out, accept the discomfort, and stop outsourcing your self-respect to someone who already walked away.

[Member]

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