[depace67]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now, and it has been a very steady relationship. A good majority of our relationship (two years of it) has been long distance (we live roughly 1000 miles away from each other). Last year he moved close to me, but just a few days ago he returned home several states away from me again because it was the most logical plan of action. I am going to my first year of college in just two weeks, and he wants to save up more money before he moves close to me again. Our relationship is back to online/over the phone, and it’s obviously very difficult to transition back to that.

The big problem right now is that my boyfriend is terrified that I will find someone else better than he is while I am away at college. Because he lives far away, he’s convinced he cannot provide me with the physical attention I need to stay happy. I constantly assure him that I have no reason to look for anyone else, and that I am very much in love with him. It always temporarily seems to boost his confidence in our relationship, but it never lasts. He is afraid that his fear of me finding someone else is going to destroy our relationship, and I want to do everything in my power not to lose him.

How can I assure him that I am not interested in finding someone else in a way that will stick with him? Is there any kind of exercise or ideas on security that you might have? For example, I am more than willing to send him picture messages on my phone to show where I am if he becomes paranoid, but I am not sure if this is enough. Also, I don’t think this is more of a trust issue than it is something that comes from his lack of self-confidence. He does not think very highly of himself.

Any ideas you may have would be wonderful. I REALLY don’t want college to ruin a relationship with someone I’ve never been happier with.

[AskApril Masini]

It’s always harder to be the one who’s being left behind than the one who’s going on to forge new ground, and your boyfriend is the one who’s being left behind. It’s understandable that he’s nervous about your losing interest in the relationship or finding someone new at this time in your life when you’re starting college. In fact boyfriends and girlfriends just like you two are going through this exact same problem this week and next as colleges start all over the world.

It’s fine for you to keep in touch with your boyfriend and see him when you can, but if you find yourself having to bend over backwards to reassure him that you’re still there for him, you’re going to either end up resenting him, spending way too much of this valuable time as a college student on taking care of him back home, or else no matter what you do, he’s going to be anxious about you moving on and not knowing what you’re doing when you’re not with him.

You’re going to be experiencing lots of new social situations with lots of new single people at college. Your boyfriend’s fears aren’t unfounded, so my advice to you is to respect his feelings, but know that there’s only so much you can do under these circumstances to continue long distance. You can call, e-mail and text, but don’t let it interfere with your life at college. And ultimately, he’ll understand you’re still there for him as time goes by.

[Member]

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