[HanhLe]

Me and my ex were (are) in a distance relationship. I visted her twice and was planning on visiting her again this June. Whenever I visited her, we always have so wonderful times together, we literally sticked together and we both enjoyed our time walking together everyday, going to the park or downtown, dancing, singing together, etc. I took her shopping and bought her a lot of gifts and roses, wrote her love notes every month, love poems, draw her and us. Even when I was miles apart, I still bought her gifts regularly and she loved it. After a year together, we had been having our up and down moments but we were improving a lot. I used to hurt her a lot and I had a lot of negative things but she told me I was the sweetest person she had ever met and I was always there for her. Just last week she had to stay home because she was sick and I was the only person who was there for her, stayed up for her all night and she said she needed me, she was obsessed with me and she wanted nobody else on earth but me. Just yesterday morning, she called me to say good morning and we were happily talking on the phone. But then in the evening, one of the guy in her class gave her a rose and took her out for shopping and took her to the park and they danced together. She never had feelings or thought about him until then. She didn’t tell me about him and talked to me just as happily as ever until later at night, he called, and that was how I found out. I was so heart broken and I couldn’t do nothing else but to beg her to stay and I know it was the wrong move. According to her, he is 26 (she’s 17),tall, romantic, educated and just whatever a girl would dream of. I love her so much and I can’t, just can’t loose her… I’m blaming myself now that I wasn’t treating her right lately because I was sort of an obsessive lover. She told me she wanted to be free because she was young and she wanted someone beside her. I know she still loves me because she said so, she still talks to me, just not as much, she just wants to be with the other guy and that just breaks my heart even more. Last night, after chatting with him on yahoo messenger for a long time, she let me watch her sleep on the cam all night just how she always did when we were together. Just this morning, she called me to say good morning and we stayed on the phone for half an hour though she did mention him and what she would do with him today with a very happy tone, then she fell asleep so peacefully after I told her she could fall asleep on my shoulder. I miss her so much and the only thing I want to do right now is to hold her tight and kiss her and make her realize she loves me more but I can’t do that. What am I supposed to do? My opponent is so strong, especially when he’s there with her and I’m here…. across the other side of the U.S. I just want to have her back. Before this happened, she was planning on moving to Seattle with me and close our distance relationship. She was so excited about it and now she said she wouldn’t want to go anywhere with me anymore. What can I do now? Please help!!! And please don’t give me a “get over her” answer because I cannot do that…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not clear on your relationship. You said that she’s your ex, but that you’re in a long distance relationship and you watch her sleep on webcam. I don’t get it. Are you together or broken up?

Also, it would help to know your age.

The 26 year old guy is probably very seductive to her because he’s so much more worldly than she is. At 17 a young girl wants to be grown up and being with an older man will make her feel the way she wants to feel — but chances are he’ll grow tired of her and want someone with more similar life experience. Age gaps don’t usually matter, but life experience can be a deal breaker if it’s too great.

Fill me in a little more and I’ll do my best to help you better.

[HanhLe]

I’m 21

Well, technically we broke up because she’s dating the other guy now and she doesn’t want to say she loves me anymore, but still, she has deep feelings for me because she still contacts me a lot, calling, asking me to get online, etc. though she likes the other guy A LOT, too and apparently he has a lot more advantage than me just to be near her. One thing that made me wonder is that she keeps telling me how great he is… is she trying to get me jealous or something? Oh well, if she is then she can stop because obviously I am jealous (though I didn’t tell her that, I just act cool) Or she wants me to listen to those that I lack and fix myself? If so why would she say she just wants to be friends with me? At the end, I’m still always the one to be there and comfort her when she needs someone while that other guy is nowhere to be found, like tonight, when she got into big problem with her parents and she told me she didn’t want to cry on his ear and he wouldn’t pick up the phone anyways (she called me first then I suggested her to call him). Tonight, she was all emotion after she told me about her problem and told me she was tired. I held her and got close then we kissed (cyber kiss as we always did in the pass), she was on cam and I could see she was remembering my kiss in real life. I thought the time was perfect so I sort of keep going and sort of reminding her what I would do all the time to comfort her but then in the middle, she withdrew and said the shirt that she was wearing, which smelled like him was bothering her and invading her mind when she was trying to think about me. Before that, we talked for almost an hour on the phone and when I asked her if I still had a place in her heart, she got really quiet and said, “yes, you have a whole separate heart for yourself.” and I asked her what about him, she told me, he has the biggest place in her bigger heart where she put all those people that she loves and loved. I don’t really understand this. I guess it means I’m still really special for her even though my place in her heart is smaller than his? I know she still loves me a lot but this guy is really get in the way. He appears to her that he is that really cool guy but according to her sister (who’s also his ex) he was a total a** and a playboy, he was nice to her at first too, but he turned. I really don’t want her to get hurt.. I really don’t… Right now I just want her to realize we have so much chemistry and I’m better than the other guy and get him out of her mind before any damage would be done. Also, part of me is worried, “what if he is not like that with her? What if he wouldn’t turn and she wouldn’t leave him?”

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s a little confusing still when you say you held her last night and then you kissed her — but it was a cyber kiss. ❓ How can you hold her if you’re in different states? I don’t get it.

In fact, I think you’re probably spending too much time online and not enough in the real world. The big picture looks like the two of you dated for a year — although it isn’t clear from your posts how much of that year you were in the same state and how much you were long distance. She broke up with you and now you’re definitely long distance, but you want her back. What’s confusing you is all the time you’re investing in her when she’s dating another man who she really likes.

There are two big problems you’re facing, and his age and sophistication aren’t either of those problems:

1. She broke up with you.

2. You don’t live in the same state.

It’s really hard to have a long distance relationship with a 17 year old young woman who wants to date, when you can’t take her out to dinner. I think you’re trying to convince yourself that the time you’re spending online with her or on the phone with her are weighted as heavily as in person time together. Unfortunately, because she’d broken up with you already, that time together isn’t the same. It’s less important than in person time.

I believe she loves you, but people love ex-boyfriend sand ex-spouses without wanting to be coupled with them. That’s what she’s doing. She’s remaining close to you, while moving on in her own life. You, however, are not moving on in your own life, and I just don’t see how you can compete with any guy who is in her neighborhood and ready and willing to date her, given that you already dated for a year and she broke up with you.

My suggestion is to stop trying to get her back, and move on. The more you allow her to have you as a friend, the less she has to miss you. Frankly, I think this 26 year old guy is going to be a short lived relationship. I think they don’t have enough in common, and if you let her miss you for real, rather than being there for her every single day online and on the phone, she may realize that this other guy doesn’t fulfill her needs for intimacy and friendship. His sophistication, career, good looks, and life experience may be seductive, but I don’t think they’ll be enough for her in the long run.

That said, the more available you are to her, the less opportunity she has to really miss you — and even crave your company. Back off. Tell her that when she wants a real relationship with you, you’re there for her 150% if you haven’t moved on already, but for now, it’s too hard to see her dating someone who isn’t you.

[Member]

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