[WonderinginMO]

Met a woman online and have been seeing each other for a couple of months. she’s even brought up the word ‘dating’ as to what is going on with us. She’s very direct which is nice but…she’s told me that she won’t get emotionally invested until 3-4 months in as to that’s when guys start to show their real side, etc. Also, she told me that she won’t be the one pursuing/chasing of any kind. Have no problem with either…

We’ve been talking pretty much every day for two months and sometimes more than once a day. Been out 4 or 5 times and physically intimate but no sex but the kind of intimacy that I would be uncomfortable knowing she was the same way with someone else while I’m seeing her. SO, I have no idea where I stand due to the fact that I had recently seen she’s been pretty active on her online profile, even being on it a couple of hours before one of our dates. Now, we haven’t discussed being exclusive so I’m not mad at her for this at all (I canceled my online profile fyi) But I would like to know where things stand. I have no need for games or being strung along and don’t want to waste my time or hers. She’s worth waiting for to me, but if she’s out with other guys doing the same things I’d kinda like to know. I have no desire to live out a real-life version of the Bachelorette so to speak. If that’s what she wants that’s great, just being part of that type of dating isn’t what I’m interested in but don’t know if that’s what’s going on actually.

So how do I tactfully and carefully find out where things stand without pushing her away or offending her? Or if she’s still active on her online dating profile where we met, should that be all the indication I need?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think she [i]has[/i] told you where things stand, but you’re trying to wrap your head around not having a commitment from her. When you meet people online you have information about their dating life that you normally wouldn’t — you get to see if she still has her profile online or if she’s taken it down (a big step towards monogamy). Since you’ve been on five dates in two months, it sounds like you’re on your way to getting to know her and vice verse. Talking everyday is probably making you feel closer to her. From her point of view, she may not know as quickly as you do, what she wants. She may need more time to figure it out. Two months and five dates may do it for you, but it may take four months and twelve dates for her. Everyone’s a little different, but you’re not that far apart from what she’s said to you. Basically, she wants to be sure that you’re worth her time, and she’s been upfront about that. My advice is that you decide if at this point you want to continue trying to pursue her and win her over or not. Dating is competitive — and it always has been. But online dating and dating websites make the competition clearer. If you don’t want to compete, you can take yourself out of the race and find someone who is less worthy of your competition, but my advice is to embrace the dating game and give it your best shot. Dating isn’t easy, and if you do win her over, you’ll have gotten a big prize! 😉 It sounds like you like her, so I think you should go for it.

Let me know if this helps — and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[WonderinginMO]

Thanks April for the advice. She is, in my opinion, worth every effort. However, I’m not sure where I stand after two months in, and maybe that’s an answer in itself? I have no problem if it takes her longer to get there, I’m in no rush. But we’re both in early 40’s, etc. and I want to know where I stand at least – have I dropped into the abyss of the nice guy from which there is no escape..or does she still think that things could be more than friends?

Is there a tactful, non-confrontational way to broach this subject? Or does this type of thing end in disaster no matter what? I’m not looking to have her go exclusive if she’s not ready that’s for sure. But my time and affection I don’t give out to just anyone…I don’t want to waste her time and make her feel uncomfortable by continuing to be affectionate, etc if my advances aren’t welcome. That make sense?

Or should I just let this roll on and try to guess, assume, and analyze without really knowing what’s going on? No problem with competing but the games I could do without. We’re not late teens, early 20’s where games are still in vogue so to speak, lol.

Thanks in advance for any additional advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gee, I’m not sure why you don’t understand where you stand. 😕 I think she’s made it [i]crystal clear[/i] that she’s not sure yet and she needs one or two more months to figure it out. What, exactly, don’t you understand about that?

Definitely don’t broach the subject with her. Since she’s already told you where you stand, if you ask her again, you’re going to appear to be needy — which isn’t attractive. 😳

She hasn’t said or done anything that should make you think like you’re wasting your time pursuing her, but again, as I said before, if you don’t want to continue, and you think you can do better elsewhere, then you should! 😉

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