[boone10]

I have been married for 10 years. Many of his friends smoke marijuana a lot. I have been very opposed to it and have stated to him my dislike in it. I told him if I ever found out he was doing it I would leave him. I know this sounds crazy, but I saw a lot of bad things when I was a child with my parents around drug use and it is hard for me to get past it. Anyway, a few months back a few of my friends told me he got high at a party. I confronted him and he denied it. I actually got into an argument with my friend and I told her “He told me he didn’t do it so I believe him”. I am not sure if the guilt got to him but this weekend he admitted that he did get high at that time and has gotten high a few times since. I am pretty confident he doesn’t have a problem with drugs. He did say though that my stance on drugs with him and the ultimatum I gave him made him rebel in a way. He said that he didn’t want to tell me a few months ago, because he thought I would go crazy on him.

After he told me I wasn’t as mad about the fact that he did it. It is probably unrealistic for me to put my past experiences on him. He is a grown man (37) and can make his own decisions. I do feel foolish telling off my friends and defending him when he was lying. I am happy that he came clean, but in the same sense in the back of my mind I am a little concerned that he was able to lie with such conviction. Moving forward should I be concerned with trusting what he tells me? Was it realistic to expect to live by my standards and expectations of drug use? What do I need to work on? Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Moving forward should I be concerned with trusting what he tells me? [/quote]

Yes. He didn’t tell you the truth because he didn’t want to face your disapproval. I think that you’d rather disagree and hear the truth from him than have peace in the house while he’s living a lie. Make sure he knows this — without making a big deal of the fact.

[quote]Was it realistic to expect to live by my standards and expectations of drug use? [/quote]

Since you’ve been married for ten years, it’s highly likely that his friends have always been pot smokers, and maybe he has, too. The question you need to ask yourself is, Why, now, are you concerned about his behavior? Have you ignored it for the rest of your marriage? Sometimes couples practice a “don’t ask; don’t tell” policy — until something happens to one of them that makes them realize they’re living a lie and they don’t want to any more.

If he’s always been like this, what’s the change in your life that made you come to him?

[quote]What do I need to work on?[/quote]

The problem you’re talking about here has less to do with his drug use than it does with your communication with your husband and your mutual interest in being honest with each other. My advice is that rather than create an issue out of this, gently begin “dating” your husband again. After ten years of marriage, it’s easy to get into a routine and the two of you need to get to know each other better. 😉

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