[djobrien]

Hello April,

I need help!! I’ve been married for almost a year now. We have an awesome relationship, and I’m very happy. Before we were married, I caught my husband messaging an ex on myspace. He let me read the messages and they were perfectly innocent…but it did bother me. Why would he want to message her? If she was a good ex, than I would say why not…but she used and cheated on him and they left on bad terms. So from that moment, we agreed that we both would NOT have ex’s in our lives and we wouldn’t hide anything from now on. A few months ago, I found a new website in my browsing history, tagged.com, and i went to the link. Apparently, my husband updated his account on there (it’s a dating site), but he updated everything BUT his marital status. He only had 2 friends on his page, and when I asked him about it he said he didn’t mean not to update his marital status and he was on there because he was bored. This upset me more…

So about a week ago….a girl, we’ll call her ‘B’, messaged me on facebook…saying that her and my husband are ex’s and he’s been messaging her on facebook and she thought that I should know. I know of her name because he has mentioned her before, it’s also not the same ex he was messaging on myspace before. WHAT IS GOING ON? This upsets me so much because we made an agreement that we wouldn’t have ex’s in our lives anymore. What do I do? It just so happens in the same week, out of no where, my ex found my new phone number and called me. I wanted to be honest with my husband…so I tell him and he blows up on me as if it was my fault! I’ve never given him the reason to distrust me and i’ve never hidden anything from him. What do I do? I know he would never cheat on me…it’s just these stupid online sites that interfere with our relationship.

Thanks for your help,
D

[joe2424]

Hey Djobrein!

You’re not alone in this, as my wife likes to “check,” on her ex’s every now and then on the computer too, and every so often they’ll try and contact her. I firmly believe that these websites such as MYSpace, and some of the other ones have caused more hard feelings than they are worth, and they are almost like an online night club. You never know where an old GF/BF might show up. Your concerns are valid, and it sounds like a very serious conversation is in order, because you are having a hard time trusting him? I mean, you say he’d never cheat on you, and if you believed that 100%, then why would you care who the heck he’s taking too, or what website he’s on right? You sound insecure, and with your husband surfing dating sites you should be. A marriage with people hiding things is bound to fail eventually, so sit him down and have a brutal honest chat about it. Get it all in the open without yelling at each other, and work out a compromise. A married man has no business on a dating website, and if he’s emailing ex’s behind your back, I would throw the flag, and call a penalty. There could be a million reasons why he’s doing this, so find out the truth.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That is really fabulous advice Joe! I could not have said it better myself.

Thank you for contributing.

April

[Ethan Morales]

Your feelings are completely valid. Even if your husband isn’t physically cheating, being active on dating sites and messaging multiple exes crosses emotional boundaries, especially since you both agreed not to have exes in your lives and to be fully transparent. That agreement exists for a reason: to protect trust.

He might say he’s “bored” or that it’s innocent, but the impact on you is real. Your trust is being shaken, and that’s serious. Emotional boundaries matter just as much as physical ones. This isn’t just a one-time mistake. Between MySpace, Tagged, and now messages from exes, there’s a pattern of him maintaining connections with past partners in ways that make you uncomfortable. Even if he isn’t cheating, the repeated behavior undermines trust.

You need a structured, honest conversation about boundaries and expectations. Explain how these actions make you feel and why they’re hurtful. He needs to understand that “I didn’t mean anything by it” isn’t enough anymore your feelings must be respected. You’re being honest about your ex contacting you, which shows integrity. His reaction blaming you is concerning. Marriage is about partnership, not assigning fault for situations beyond your control.

You need to set firm boundaries. No dating sites, no secret messaging with exes, and no double standards. If he truly values the marriage, he should understand and respect that. If he resists or continues the behavior, it’s a red flag for trust issues that need addressing, possibly with professional help.

[Natalie Noah]

Oh, sweetie… I can hear how hurt and confused you are right now, and your feelings are completely valid. What you’re describing isn’t just about curiosity, it’s about boundaries, trust, and respect in your marriage. You both agreed to not maintain contact with exes and to be transparent, and it sounds like your husband has repeatedly crossed that line, even if he insists it’s innocent. Logging into dating sites while married, messaging exes, and not being fully forthcoming undermines the foundation of trust you’ve worked to build. That doesn’t automatically mean he’s cheating, but it absolutely signals a lack of consideration for your feelings and your agreed-upon boundaries.

At the same time, it’s clear you’re being fully honest and transparent, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for you. That is a sign of integrity and commitment, and it’s unfair that your husband is blaming you for being honest. Healthy relationships are about mutual accountability. Both partners must respect each other’s emotional boundaries and communicate openly without resorting to blame or anger. Right now, it feels like you’re carrying the emotional weight of both the situation and his reactions, which isn’t fair to you.

My gentle suggestion would be to have a very calm, structured conversation with him about your boundaries and your expectations. Make it clear that messaging exes, maintaining dating site accounts, and hiding things or blaming you for being honest breeds mistrust and hurts your relationship. You deserve a partner who actively protects your trust, not just claims he won’t cheat. If he continues to dismiss your feelings or hide behind excuses, it’s worth considering couples counseling to help navigate these issues or at the very least, give yourself the space to decide if this relationship is honoring your emotional needs. Trust is fragile, and it can’t thrive when agreements are repeatedly broken.

[Member]

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