[Ihope]

I have been sick with cold for the last few days. My boyfriend called me on the phone and I told him that I feel pretty bad. He asked if I need anything. I told him no and he said okay. He called me the next day and I told him that I did not sleep well at nigh because of my cold but I feel a little better today. He responded that he is glad to hear that I am better…

I so much hoped that my boyfriend would stop at my place (he lives 10 minutes away) and bring me some juice or sweets or something like this just make me feel better. Nothing happened… It’ Saturday evening and you can imagine how I feel.

What puzzles me is that for those few months that we have been boyfriend and girlfriend he always showed sings of concern for me in everyday life but I never was sick before. And all I got from him now is his question if I needed anything. But he knows me that I barely ask for anything.

Did he expect from me to actually tell him that I want him to bring me some sweets or fruits (he knows what sweets and fruits I like the most)? I think it is so natural to do such things without asking another person if he/she needs anything… maybe there is something I do not understand because I am a foreigner? I am over thirty and my boyfriend even older. How do I need to react to the situation? Please help me to understand….

[Ask April Masini]

This is a very common problem about communicating. Your boyfriend asked if you needed anything, and you told him no. He can’t read your mind, so when he heard no, he believed you. But he’s a nice guy, so he called you again the next day to ask how you were doing, and you told him better, with some sleep problems, but basically fine. You still didn’t tell him you wanted anything from him.

I think your boyfriend did everything right. You are the one who needs to learn to express yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable at first, so that you can let him know what you really want. It’s unfair for you to be upset with him if you don’t communicate what he’s supposed to do.

If you’re still not feeling well the next time he calls — or if you catch another cold or flu at another time — tell him, “I’m feeling better (or rotten — whatever the case is), but I’d love it if you could bring me some soup or oranges. If it’s not too much trouble, that would really make me feel a lot better.”

I know you want him to automatically be super considerate, but this is who he is, and the fact that he called you twice is pretty good. If you want him to do better, you’re going to have to train him a little — and at the same time, train yourself to communicate with him in a way you haven’t before.

It sounds like he’s a nice guy, and that he may actually welcome a little direction from you. My guess is he has no idea, whatsoever, that you want him to bring you fruit. If and when he does do it, make sure you lavish praise on him, so he learns that this is how you want to be treated when you’re sick.

And by the way — this has nothing to do with age or nationality. Lots of men of all ages don’t naturally nurture the same way women do, so if you want some oranges or some soup or some tissues, be more specific with him.

Oh, and feel better!! 🙂

[Ihope]

Thank you April.

Now it does look like my boyfriend had good intentions. You are right, I expected from him to automatically be super considerate but he is not because he is who he is. I guess I do need to learn certain things about communication… Thanks again for your advice.

[Ask April Masini]

It’s easy to mis-read people — [i]especially[/i] when you’re feeling under the weather. This is a very common problem. You’ll do fine.

Feel better!

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