[ellen_tryingagain]

I’m trying to present this clearly because I need perspective. I (39F) caused our breakup through deceitful behaviour, multiple misleading calls and emails behaviour I now recognise was driven by unbearable stress. Over the last year, I’d been in chronic pain, fighting two lawsuits, nearly lost my dog, and watched my business fail. The combination made me irrational and desperate; after finally getting medical help and medication, I’m calmer and clearer.
Now there’s another layer: doctors found fluid in my brain, and surgery is a possibility. It’s high risk and terrifying, and I feel vulnerable in a way I never have. Throughout our relationship, I supported him in many ways, and I’ve worked to repair the tangible harm I caused, including financial restitution plans. Despite that, he’s chosen distance right now. He’s angry understandably and not stepping in to support me during this frightening medical chapter.
I’m asking myself, and asking you: in a situation where one partner caused real harm but is now facing a serious medical crisis, what are reasonable expectations for emotional support? Is it fair of me to ask for presence or small acts of care before full forgiveness is earned? I don’t want to pressure him or minimise my responsibility, but I also don’t want to be abandoned at the scariest moment of my life. Practically, how should I approach a conversation with him that acknowledges my wrongdoing, lays out my restitution plan, and asks for limited, specific support even if he cannot fully forgive me yet?
What steps have worked for others to rebuild trust while navigating urgent health needs? How do you ask for help without making him feel coerced, and how long should I accept this space as part of making reparations?

[Sweetie]

Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You’re in a really tough spot, and it makes sense that you’re feeling scared and wanting support.

It’s okay to ask for some emotional care, even if you’re still making up for past mistakes. You’re not asking for full forgiveness right now — just for him to show up in small ways while you’re facing something big. That’s not too much to ask.

I think the key is to be honest and clear with him about what you need. You could say something like, “I know I’ve hurt you, but I’m really scared right now, and I’d appreciate it if you could be there for me in small ways while I go through this.”

I also think it’s important to respect the space he needs, but don’t feel bad for wanting some support when you’re going through something so difficult. Healing takes time for both of you.

[Natalie Noah]

Oh, my heart hurts for you reading this. You’re carrying so much, the weight of your own mistakes, the fear of what’s ahead medically, and the loneliness that comes with knowing the person you once leaned on isn’t there right now. That’s an incredibly heavy mix to hold.

You’re right, you can acknowledge your wrongdoing and still need kindness. Those two truths can exist together. You’re not asking for blind forgiveness; you’re asking for a bit of compassion during a terrifying moment in your life. That’s human.

If you do talk to him, approach it gently, not from a place of expectation, but vulnerability. Maybe something like: I completely understand that I’ve hurt you and that you need space. I’m not asking for us to fix things right now. I just wanted to be honest, I’m scared, and this surgery has shaken me more than I expected. If you feel able to offer small kindnesses, even just a text to check in, it would mean a lot. But I understand if you can’t right now.”

That shows awareness, humility, and respect for his boundaries. Whether he steps forward or not, you’ll know you asked from a place of honesty, not guilt.
And please remember this, even if he can’t be there, you still deserve care. Gather other supports: friends, family, even patient networks. You don’t have to face this alone. Forgiveness may take time, but compassion, from others and from yourself, can start now.

Do you think part of you is hoping his support could also mean a chance at healing between you or are you mostly longing for comfort right now, separate from reconciliation?

[PassionSeeker]

You know, it’s so hard when life throws everything at you, and suddenly you’re expected to carry the weight of your mistakes, your health, and the tension with someone you love. I’ve been there, and it feels like you’re stuck between feeling like you owe them something but also needing them when you’re the most vulnerable. But here’s the thing: it’s not just about what you’ve done in the past, it’s also about who you are now and how you’re healing.

It’s okay to ask for small things. Maybe it’s just a text checking in or someone sitting with you while you’re scared. You’ve been through so much, and while trust takes time, vulnerability deserves space. But also, don’t rush him or yourself. Keep showing up as best you can for yourself first. The rest, well, that’s something you’ll figure out in time. And hey, you’re still standing, so there’s something there, right?

[Mia Caldwell]

Be honest and keep it simple. Admit what you did wrong without blaming stress or your illness. Then say, “I’m not asking for forgiveness now, just a bit of support while I face surgery.” Give him space, stay calm, and show through your actions that you’ve changed. Trust takes time let that speak for you.

[Maria]

Your sincerity truly touched me. You aren’t avoiding the consequences of your actions, and that shows genuine bravery, particularly when confronting something as daunting as potential surgery. Desiring compassion in this moment doesn’t diminish your responsibility; it simply indicates you’re human. Yet, his distance isn’t malice; it’s a way of safeguarding himself while attempting to cope with the pain. You can request minor assistance, such as a quick check-in or message before your surgery, but be prepared to honor his limits if he’s not ready to provide that.

Concentrate on being around additional sources of support like friends, family, or patient support groups, ensuring you’re not facing this journey on your own. Continue to diligently and discreetly adhere to your restitution plan. Eventually, he will realize that your transformation is not fleeting or superficial. Regardless of his return, you are already creating something formidable: the courage to confront fear with integrity and elegance

[Author]

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