[confusedgirl]

Hello, I am new to this forum and I think it’s great the advice that you offer.

I’ll start telling you my problem. I have a boyfriend, we’ve been dating for over a year now and I am in love with him. I really am. I mean I could do everything for him.. he is just such a great sweet guy… I could not explain my love with words. But the thing is our relationship hasn’t exactly been easy, we’ve had lots of problems and I know they’re all my fault. We start kind of badly, I didn’t treat him the way he deserved to be treated.. now that I think about it I was very mean to him.. but at the time I didn’t mean it nor realize it. I used to ignore him, and not treat him right.. I would talk about my friends all the time and didn’t pay him much attention.. When we went to public places such as the mall, I met with my friends and without realizing I left him alone.. I thought he wanted to be alone with his friends (he hadn’t told all of his friends we were dating), this is no excuse though.. but that didn’t mean I didn’t care about him, I loved him.. but I just assumed he knew it and it was okay for me to be like that.

Later on I realized he doubted my feelings, and I didn’t know what to do to prove him that I loved him. I did everything for him, I stopped talking to my friends, stopped going out, stoppped my entire social life because of him. And I am not complaining, I don’t care about it because I know that it’s for him. I just want to make him happy. I thought this was prove enough of my love, but everytime we fight he always brings back memories of all the bad things I did in the past… I’ve never cheated on him, I could never do something like that… but he’s really jealous all the time, when he calls I have to rush up and answer him quickly or he thinks I’m with someone else.. he says it’s my fault he thinks that way because I forgot to tell him that I went out with a guy I used to like.. (this was before I met him) he thinks I lied to him because I still lliked the guy, and that at that moment he lost all trust on me.

Despite all this, we’ve been able to work things out. However, there is one thing. I can’t remember important dates in our life, such as where we went for our first month together, I can’t remember the dates we had before our relationship became “official”, I can’t remember what we did for my birthday last year, or christmas.. I don’t know why, I just can’t. But he can, he remembers everything, and he says he remembers because all those things were special to him, and if I can’t remember then it didn’t matter to me, then I didn’t love him. But that’s not true, all those dates where very special to me.. I remember thinking it was the best birthday ever because I got to spend it by his side, but when I try to look back and remember it’s all blank. Even this year’s birthday is kind of fuzzy, I’m starting to forget it too! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I love him so much.. and there are so many useless memories I would give up just to remember the ones with him… but I can’t. We’ve had a lot of fights about this, and he’s so hurt when I don’t remember something… we’ve been about to break up several times, but he forgives me because he loves me so much… I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to hurt him anymore but I can’t remember.. He says that next time I forget something he’s going to break up with me for good because he can’t take it anymore… What can I do, I don’t want to lose him.. I just don’t know why I can’t remember..

Please, I’m so desperate.. please if anyone could help me please… this man is the love of my life, and I feel like I’ll die if he leaves me.. please help.

[Ask April Masini]

Try this.. buy a date book, cook a nice romantic dinner and (over candle light) tell him that you’re not going to allow your terrible memory to cause you to miss one more important date between you…. With your new calender in hand, say something like “Here’s how serious I am … I just bought a date book, would you please go through it with me so that we can note all of “our days” together? I don’t want to miss anything important, again. ”

I bet he’ll be touched.

And I’ll bet (if you check your date book daily) you won’t miss another important date either.

[confusedgirl]

Thank you so much for your advice April!

I actually kind of tried what you just told me, the last time we had a fight about it I promised myself I wouldn’t forget anything, and since then I’ve been writing down our special dates so every now and then I check it out and remember. I haven’t told him about it because if I do he’ll say that I still don’t care and that he means so little to me that I have to write down the things we do because I can’t remember them on my own… I just know he’s going to say it, that’s just the type of guy he is. Another thing is, he wants me to remember the things I’ve already forgotten, but… is it even possible? Now when we talk and I get the feeling he’s about to say something about the past I get like this huge pressure and change the subject quickly.

I forgot to say, the reason he gets hurt and angry is because he doesn’t think I can’t remember because I have bad memory, he says he also has a bad memory but he can still remember those moments because there are some things you just can’t forget. I believe that too, which is why I can’t explain why I can’t remember…

Right now I feel like there’s a bomb about to explote and can’t do anything to stop it. I feel I screw up and I’ll never find another man like him. I mean I think he’s the one (we’ve even talked about getting married in the future) when we’re together it’s just so wonderful… But I’m so confused, I get all kinds of thoughts… like I’m hurting him and I’m just being selfish for not letting him go.. also if I do let him go I won’t be able to take it.. the truth is I don’t want to let him go, it’s just our relationship has a lot of issues… he used to hit me, not hard though.. just slaps on the face and small punches on the stomach and face.. he stopped when he almost made me serious damage, since then when he gets angry he just yells at me or grabs me by the neck, which compared to what he used to do is nothing. I know he’s doing his best to control himself because he loves me, but sometimes I get this thoguht ‘the man that loves you shouldn’t hit you’ then again relationships aren’t perfect, right? If he can forgive me for hurting him so much emotionally, then I can forgive him for hurting me phisically (which I believe hurts way less, an injury done to the skin can easily heal, but one done to the heart will stay there forever) He’s also extremely jealous, he won’t let me talk to other guys at college (and I know this sounds ridiculous and I’m letting him control me… but I’d rather stop talking to the entire world than to lose him… is this so wrong?) Anyway, all this things make me wonder if I’m doing the right thing.. when I think about it my mind tells me that the logic thing to do is to end things now, but my heart tells me exactly the opposite. I just don’t want to lose the love of my life, I don’t want to make a mistake and end up regretting it my entire life. I seriously don’t know what to do…

[Ask April Masini]

How are things going?

[Ethan Morales]

Your issue isn’t about memory it’s about meaning. Your boyfriend is equating remembering dates with valuing the relationship. To him, remembering is love. To you, love is felt and expressed in other ways being present, caring, giving up your time, showing affection. Neither is wrong, but you’re speaking different love languages.

What April’s suggestion does beautifully is bridge that gap. By making a small ritual the date book, the dinner, the candlelight you’re showing him effort, not excuses. It’s not about “I forget,” it’s “I care enough to find a way.” That gesture reframes the issue from you don’t remember to you’re actively trying to remember because he matters.

Also, don’t let his jealousy or emotional control grow unchecked. Forgetfulness doesn’t equal disloyalty and a partner who loves you should not use guilt or threats to test your devotion.

So yes do what April says. Make that dinner. Hand him the date book. But remember: this isn’t just about remembering dates; it’s about teaching each other what love looks like to both of you, and meeting somewhere in the middle.

[PassionSeeker]

Reading what you wrote I just want to reach through the screen and tell you this plainly: you are not the problem here. You are describing an abusive relationship. It doesn’t matter that he’s “trying to control himself” or that he says he loves you. Grabbing your neck, hitting, yelling, isolating you from friends, and making you feel guilty for forgetting things those are all forms of control and abuse. Love does not look like fear.

You’ve been made to believe that your forgetfulness or behavior caused this, but that’s not true. You’re allowed to have bad memory. You’re allowed to have friends. You’re allowed to feel safe. And you deserve a relationship where you’re not walking on eggshells or afraid of making someone angry. You can build a life where love feels kind, not painful.

[Marcus king]

Here’s the thing you’re carrying guilt for something that isn’t actually a crime. Forgetting details doesn’t mean you don’t love him; it means you’re human. Real love isn’t measured by how many dates you remember it’s shown through consistency, care, and honesty.

But your boyfriend’s behavior the jealousy, control, emotional punishment that’s not love, that’s insecurity disguised as devotion. You’ve already sacrificed too much trying to prove yourself. Love shouldn’t feel like an exam you keep failing.

If you really want this to work, tell him calmly: “I know my memory isn’t perfect, but my heart for you is real. I can’t keep being punished for something I can’t control. If you love me, trust that.”

If he can’t accept that? Then it’s not about forgetting it’s about him needing control more than he wants peace. And you deserve peace.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… you’re out here begging for forgiveness like forgetting dates is a crime 😩 he’s keeping score while you’re killing yourself to prove devotion, and that’s not cute, that’s control. memory doesn’t equal love, you stopped living your life to fix his insecurities and now you’re disappearing inside his guilt trip. wake up, sweetheart! he’s not protecting the relationship, he’s punishing you for being human. stop apologizing for not being perfect. love isn’t supposed to feel like detention. 🙄💔💅🏼

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