[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I split up for awhile…over 6 weeks….and are now back together and working on repairing our relationship. For the most part, we are doing great. My problem now is trust…I don’t trust him, and there really isn’t any reason for it. (Trust issues had nothing to do with the initial split) While we were split, but before he moved out, I did catch him talking and texting with an old girlfriend. That is the first and only time in our relationship that anything like that ever happened…and we had already decided to split up at that point. While he was gone, I am almost positive they didn’t talk (I read a facebook message she sent him asking why he hadn’t called her or been in touch) and I have found no evidence that he has had any contact with any other women either. He’s loving and kind and seems committed to me and our relationship. And yet…something still bothers me, something spurs me to continue to check up on him and snoop. And now he’s working out of town, he’s gone Monday til Friday of every week, and he’s on this project with another woman/girl. She’s only about 24, he’s 37. I am 47. I know they are buddies and hang out together on the job and after work. I have no reason to believe he’s interested in her. I even asked him if he’d date her if he were single and he said no, she has way too much baggage. But still it’s making me crazy. I try very hard not to let on to him that I am feeling so insecure, but I need to know how to STOP feeling this way. It’s not his fault, nothing he is doing wrong, except I know how single women can be, and I also know how things can “blossom” between two people when they are thrown together and spend alot of time together. What can I do? By the way, my ex-husband had an affair, and that is why we divorced, so maybe I’m damaged from that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your history of divorce as a result of your ex-husband’s affair during your marriage, definitely scarred you, as it would anyone. It’s normal to wonder if the same patterns will repeat in your future relationships. However, it doesn’t appear that your boyfriend has given you any reason to think he has cheated on you. Even the texts to the old girlfriend happened AFTER you’d decided to break up, so that doesn’t count. He hasn’t cheated on you.

What may be bothering you a lot is what bothers most people who suffered a break up and then a reunion after some time: there’s a wonder if the other person slept with anyone during the break up time. And frankly, it’s not fair to ask or to blame him if he did. You were together during that break up, and you both had every right to date other people. But I think that the possibility that he dated someone else, coupled with your history, may be haunting you now.

Because of that scenario, his spending time with a female colleague on an out of town business trip is tweaking your anxiety, and to top it off, she’s 20 years younger than you are — most women would be wondering what you are, no matter how fabulous they looked. The age difference when it comes to women, matters to them. Fact.

Hopefully, your boyfriend’s business situation isn’t permanent and will end soon so you can spend more time with him. In the meantime, my suggestion is to insert your positive and most loving and sexy self into his life whenever possible. Calls, letters, little gifts, and maybe even, if you can, go up to visit him, wherever he is.

Ultimately, you have to understand that men cheat because they decide to, and it can happen whether they have an extra five minutes to do it on a break from a television program, or five days out of town with a younger work colleague. And if they’re not going to cheat, well, then it’s just going to happen. So, I know this is hard for you, but you have to stay busy, positive and work on yourself while he’s out of town, and keep the good energy flowing towards him in your communication with him, and your visits and gifts. Make the most of what you have, and don’t dwell on a problem that doesn’t exist. You’ll get through this. 🙂

[Anonymous]

AWESOME answer…you made some great points. Appreciate knowing that what I’m feeling isn’t so unusual, and the tips to help overcome my obsession. Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

One of the biggest mistakes women do to turn men off is “leading him to think you are insecure”. NO MAN is truly interested in a woman whose insecure or have trust issues. Men cheating isn’t as simple as a decision…the woman could actually push their man into another woman’s arms by doing and saying all the wrong things…Build up your self confidence. In as far as age…Men may find younger women physically attractive but their emotional being has nothing to do with the age of that woman. As the previous person replied do things you enjoy doing…. you as a woman does suppose to work in keeping her relationship healthy (as well as the guy)..All you have is your best and thats what you give and if at the end of the day that doesnt work, you don’t have to live with the question “Was It Me?”….I am only 23 years old and probably give better advice than I live by but I come from a family of nine brothers and a 4 year relationship myself…For me, Giving advice to others help build confidence within myself:)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I was able to help 😀 and you got an awesome point of view from a male reader, Guest, as well.

[Member]

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